vanderpump rules
vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 10: sham weddings and a funeral
We begin at The Kentucky Castle. In lieu of a rehearsal dinner, Brittany has taken it upon herself to plan a murder mystery dinner and Stassi is climaxing. Having read MANY Yelp reviews for The Kentucky Castle (WHAT? I’M QUARANTINED), apparently the murder mystery dinner leaves something to be desired. I was anxiously awaiting another backdoor pilot to shed some light into the lives of these Versailles, Kentucky community theatre actors. Community theatre is truly the genesis of all bitchy drama. Lala solves the murder and Stassi is internally raging. No worries. She’ll take it out on Kristen in about 2 vodka sodas. Lala’s hair is giving me full 90s rom com vibes and I’m NOT here for it. Brittany’s 2 year old niece steals Stassi’s purse and it’s the last straw (in addition to being trapped in a kitschy hotel room that smells like dog shit). She needs to emotionally explode on someone, but who? Lala and Katie bring up Kristen’s amorphous relationship with Carter and the decision is made. Kristen stumbles over and squats down only to be berated with questions about her non-relationship. She attempts to make a run for it but when Stassi calls her fake, she has no choice but to defend her honor. Stassi, Lala and Katie are like fucked up Greek chorus, echoing negs and emotionally robbing anyone who attempts to thrive. Kristen claims Carter isn’t her BF but he’s her BFF and thus, he deserves to be at the wedding. I really hope Kristen got them matching BFF bracelets from Claire’s to wear along with her fake engagement ring. Kristen claims Stassi is too far u p her own ass to understand that she’s hurting. Where’s the lie? Kristen has given up any hope of Katie being empathetic, but she’s still convinced Stassi may have a morsel of sympathy for her. Brittany comes over to break up the fight and shouts, “LET’S GO TO BELLE’S!” I don’t know what “Belle’s” is but surely it can’t be as interesting as dissecting the demise of this threesome’s 10 year long friendship.
Over at SUR, Trash Brett is walking around being trash. After last week’s episode, he’s become more worthless than the hand soap in the SUR unisex bathroom. Adriana (Max’s ex) claims she’s SO busy she “can’t even”, but not so busy that she can’t spare a moment to gossip. She pulls Dayna aside to show her Max’s latest side chick’s Instagram and she’s wearing THE TOMTOM PRIDE SHIRT (apparently a priceless commodity). Dayna is convinced this means they’re sleeping together and that Max has been cheating on her. I’m not saying Max isn’t a piece of shit, but why are you trusting this girl who straight up told you she has a vendetta against Max? Dayna immediately shuts down and calls Max a fuq boi. BYE MAX!
Back in Lexington, KY, we get a montage of everyone partying in some shitty dive bar. Stassi’s mom is there too, because she wouldn’t miss any opportunity to drink and/or watch her daughter cry, Brittany hates that Jax couldn’t make it tonight. He has decided to stay in to “make his father proud” by not getting hammered. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, JAX?! What is with this virtue signaling you attempt every season? Do you really think the viewers are dumb enough to buy this shit? There’s clearly an ulterior motive. My guess is he stayed in to jack off to the Kentucky Castle ghosts. Back at Belle’s, Lala and Brittany have a contractual scene where they claim they miss Lisa and don’t even know HOW the wedding will go on without her. I’m convinced they’re reading cue cards. In one of Kristen’s best psychotic breaks to date, she confronts Beau. Remember how Kristen loses it every time they go on vacation?
This is one of those times. It must be the break in her daily routine that throws her off the edge, but this entire convo was just… cringe. Beau used to be Kristen’s friend before he started dating Stassi and now she feels abandoned by him in her time of deep, emotional need. Beau is like, “Look, that’s my girlfriend. I have to put her first.” And for once is completely valid! Kristen is crying at this point. She feels it’s her and Carter against the world (toxic) and she just wants her friends to show some empathy. Have you met this group, Kristen? They’re either sociopaths, narcissists or medicated. They do not have the capacity to empathize with you. You chose the wrong inner circle.
The next day, we get some royalty-free Britney Spears inspired bop before heading into The Castle to see a close-up of Jax’s feet. Absolutely not. A small gay man enters carrying an urn* (*a tree stump with a metal covering) with Jax’s dad’s ashes inside. I can’t tell if Jax has mastered the spectrum of human emotions or if he genuinely is touched, but either way, it’s a doozy. Mostly because of the hideous urn. We get a hangover montage of the entire cast and I can smell Tom Schwartz’s farts and Katie’s breath. Apparently, Schwartz got so drunk last night, that he pissed all over the toilet seat. I’m just shocked that’s not a regular activity for Schwartz. Sighhh, I wish I was rooming with Scheana and Kristen. I wanna wear one piece bathing suits and drink mimosa’s while Scheana does my eyebrows! Lala joins them to return the non-white dress she borrowed and asks if Kristen if she’s good. Meanwhile, Beau tells Stassi about his convo with Kristen and she’s pissed Kristen can’t accept their relationship. It’s fair. I mean Stassi SHOULD be the most important girl in Beau’s life, but definitely not the most important thing. Beau doesn’t need to drop all of his friends just because he has a meal ticket* (*girlfriend). Stassi announces that after the wedding, she and Kristen are DONE. DUN DUN DUN.
Jax enters Schwartz and Katie’s hotel room to ask Schwartz to come out and play, only to discover that Katie Maloney is pooping. One of ten of the deadliest natural disasters of 2019. Just as Jax and Schwartz are sneaking out, Katie Alex Mack’s her way under the bathroom door and goes full Babadook stance. It’s haunting and currently in top running to be my 2020 Halloween costume.
Jax and Schwartz go to Stassi’s room to gather Beau, and it’s here we discover that Schwartz and Katie are not legally married. That’s what happens when you put Schwartz in charge of a marriage license. Is that secretly why Jax wants him as Best Man? To upend the wedding and give him a tiny sliver of a path out of this marriage? Time for a… Pool Party Montage!! Peter laying by the pool is a mood. Stassi and Katie talk about her marriage license (or lack thereof) and Katie is surprisingly chill about it. I guess she’s had 2 years to rage out. It’s gotta settle eventually. Lala, Scheana and Ariana discuss James’ attempt at sobriety and willingness to attend an Al-Anon meeting. They’re proud of him and Lala wants to reach out and offer her support. Tonight there will be aFan Meet and Greet at a speakeasy in Lexington. A MEET AND GREET THE WEEKEND OF YOUR WEDDING? I can’t decide whether to be disgusted or impressed. Make that money, Britt. Stassi watches Kristen cozying up to her mother and she’s grossed out. Having a tumultuous relationship with a family member and then having a friend you’re fighting with try to charm them is actually infuriating.
Over at Blonde Dayna’s apartment, she confronts Max about his side chick. Her name’s Olivia and she’s a tiny little thing. Either Max is a really bad liar or he’s on the spectrum. He can’t make eye contact and immediately raises his voice when questioned if he’s cheating on Dayna. Honey, if you wanna be a fuq boi, you’re gonna have to do better than that. Dayna promptly ends their relationship and before Max can tweet the n-word, she gives him back his Corona infected necklace and kicks him out. FINALLY. Now if we could just get Brett and Max on the sidewalk in front of SUR for a public flogging that would be AMAZING.
Back in Kentucky, the gang arrives on a party bus for their Fan Meet and Greet. Randall has finally arrived looking extra thumb-y, as has the QUEEN herself. Lisa Vanderpump. She surprised them all (as I knew she would. This show loves foreshadowing) and revealed herself in the middle of the dance floor wearing a gigantic pink fedora to keep a 3 foot radius between her and the peons. Her mother’s funeral has been delayed and Jax is sooo deep in a k-hole that he can’t tell if he’s tripping. It’s Lexington Gay Pride, which is super ironic considering that Jax and Brittany were about to let a HOMOPHOBIC priest marry them on Pride Weekend (and by ironic I mean sickening). Jax tells Lisa his mom still isn’t invited to the wedding because she’s dead to him and Lisa is like, “Cool, my mom’s actually dead so can we nix the mother talk?”. The rest of the cast is blackout. Schwartz is slurring, Sherri’s make-up is sweating off and Brittany can’t stop screaming that she’s “GETTING MARRIED, Y’ALL!” Stassi breaks the news to Lisa that Schwartz and Katie aren’t legally married and she’s disappointed but not surprised. Also, Stassi is wearing WHITE! What gives?! Does a Meet and Greet not count as a “wedding activity”? This is treason and she should pay the penalty.
Back in L.A., James arrives at TomTom and orders a Coco-Cola because he’s sober and a bit performative. Him and Max, who I’m convinced are JUST now meeting, talk about how the rest of the cast is out of town, They can’t believe Jax is finally getting married. Lol, Max, Jax has no idea who you are (even if you did film a scene together.) Max let’s James in on his and Dayna’s recent break-up and attempts to blame Danica for everything. These two WOULD get along. They both have irrational anger toward women that they wanna hate fuck. Max claims he wants to “86 Dayna” and his restaurant pun burns need to be taken off the menu. James talks about his sobriety and says he’ll do anything to keep Raquel, even if it means driving to downtown L.A., sitting in an old musty church and drinking bad coffee.
Back in Kentucky, Jax and Brittany are laying on a dog piss soaked duvet and neither one makes any attempt to change the sheets. Is this some sort of insight into their daily lives? How do they not have the Corona Virus? We have two more gendered events tonight: A onesie twerk fest for the girls and a binge drinking fugue state for the boys. Jax is a full brown out BEFORE he leaves to join the guys. Brittany told the girls to bring a onesie representing “something that lives in a castle” so Jax’s sister chose a giraffe. Those in-laws are gonna get along so well. The boys are all gathered when Beau arrives dressed in chain mail. His Failed Actor energy is in full force. Who are these nameless groomsmen? Florida coke dealers? They reminisce about Jax’s sheet wall. Blah, Blah, Blah. No one can believe he’s getting married. As the messiness continues, Kristen has gone to the Mariposa dark side and while her brain’s asleep, her boobs will play. Her right breast keeps falling out of her onesie and Stassi and Ariana cry-laugh at this new development. Jax’s blackout has gone from “laying in bed with dog pee” drunk to” eating plain tortillas” drunk. He’s shit faced and Sandoval has to delicately balance the art of begging him to stop drinking while still enabling him enough that he doesn’t lose his Best man position (again). Brittany ends the night with Katie in bed, because she knows she won’t mind the dog piss. The episode ends with a look inside Jax’s mind at a Birth of a Nation filtered montage of his and Britt’s relationship.
Next week: Lance Bass, Raquel wearing a giant bow and Dayna looking exhausted.
This wedding better feature an NSYNC performance.
xoxo
vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 9: how to lose a gal in 10 emotionally abusive texts
The episode opens with Katie, Schwartz, Beau and Stassi entering an incredibly sterile coffee shop deep in the valley. Stassi is wearing a wedding dress as a turtleneck and calling it “fashion”, but it can’t hide her apathy for the entire scene. For the first time in many moons, Stassi doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday. She just wants to make Game of Thrones references until the Corona Virus takes us all. Ariana offered her another joint birthday party, but Stassi isn’t interested. Perhaps it’s because every year Stassi leaves her birthday party in tears? Is she maturing? Or is she just trying to change to fit the mold of “Beau’s ideal girlfriend”? She could’ve just worn a bowtie and called it a day. The waitress brings out a single cupcake with a candle in it for the four of them to split and it is perhaps the saddest birthday celebration we’ve seen on this show. And yes, I’m saying that after seeing Stassi cry with a gunshot wound on her forehead.
Been there. Tonight is Ariana’s birthday party and the gang muses about how Jax and Brittany’s attendance will go down after the animosity between them and Sandoval. All four are certain Jax will regret not inviting Tom Sandoval to the wedding. Ummmmm I would hope, above all, Jax is gonna regret not inviting his MOTHER to the wedding, but c’est la vie. Beau steals Stassi’s birthday wish (Likely for more “bowtie play” in the bedroom). Stassi claims she doesn’t want ANY attention and it’s super off brand for her. Is Stassi gonna be one of those women who hates birthdays because it means they’re getting older? Hon, it’s better than the alternative.
We head to Villa Rosa where Nathalie has brought Lisa some sympathy flowers to guilt her into attending the wedding. How dare she attend her MOTHER’S FUNERAL and leave Nathalie stranded in a Kentucky castle on the side of the freeway? They speak French and Nathalie subtly trolls Lisa by presenting her a framed photo of Lisa(’s first face) and her mother. Lisa shares a deep and intimate fact about her mother… that she knew how to solve a Rubik’s Cube. Which I’m sure is the only fact Lisa knows about her mother seeing as this is the first we’re hearing about how “close” they were, We got a lot of mommy issues on this show.
Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Danica, Dayna and Raquel are folding napkins* (stapling Laura Leigh’s head shots to her resumes). Raquel dared to go out last weekend and accidentally got blackout drunk. This resulted in her waking up to hundreds of texts from James berating her and calling her a “whore”. All this coming from the man who has been openly cheating on her since the dawn of their relationship. James is entertaining but I forget how volatile and problematic he can be. Okay, the entire cast, really. Producers force Raquel to read all the texts out loud and she adds some new words to her vocabulary. After saying “whore” and “slut” approximately 42 times, she says she’s gonna throw up. That’s what happens when you make just one member of this cast face reality. Their bodies go into full shut down mode and start rejecting everything.
At Ariana and Tom’s house, he’s doting on her like he’s a live-in butler and she’s an aging socialite (Okay Michael and Patricia from Southern Charmed). Honestly, it’s probably the healthiest relationship on the show, but that’s not saying much. Ariana applies foundation over her spray-tan while Tom gives her a heavy pour of white wine. She finally got a full night’s sleep and her depression has downgraded from Zendaya in Euphoria to Effy in Skins. She’s not necessarily excited for her birthday party, but she’s glad to have a reason to get out of the house. Ariana claims she needs to learn how to “surf her lows better”. Babe, it’s called Lexapro. Ariana doesn’t want to go to Jax and Brittany’s wedding without Tom, which is totally valid. Their entire friend group is NOT a safe space. The cast can’t comprehend why Ariana is actually discussing her unhappiness instead of drinking/snorting it away. She declares she can’t make a decision because the anxiety of it all is too much. Yeah, being trapped in the south with Brittany and Jax vs. less camera time/money is a real Catch-22.
They head to The Naughty Pig, a definite producer choice, for the birthday festivities. The black and white checkered floor is giving me serious RHONJ season 1 reunion flashbacks. Brittany makes Kristen take a shot of vodka which really says everything we need to know about those two. Brittany is forever stuck at 16 years old and will never progress further mentally or emotionally. Taking shots is still COOL and EDGY to her. Kristen will do anything to prove she can hang because of her underlying insecurity and fear of being alone. At this point, I realize Charli Without an E is MVP of the new cast members. Solely because she divulges that she’s planning on returning her top and the tag is still attached. Everyone who’s ANYONE is in attendance at this birthday: new cast members, OGs, even DJ James Kennedy, who Kristen spies and immediately scuttles away from. In what I can only describe as a Grease inspired “Summer Loving” homage, Danica, Raquel and a nameless blonde ask Charli to “Tell them more” about her date with Brett. Charli continues to prove why she holds the crown as Queen of the Newbies by basically shitting on Brett and divulging he talked about his ex (YouTuber Carli Bybel) the entire time. But, honestly, what did she expect? Dating a YouTube-lebrity is probably the most interesting thing about Brett, who has an entirely different take on how the date went. In Brett’s “reality” Charli was acting like a child and HE has chosen to reject HER. Okay, Brett.
Meanwhile, Lala tells all the girls about her conversation with Ariana, but her empathy has waned since their conversation. She seems more annoyed now that Ariana chose to hide her lack of serotonin from them than concerned about her well-being. She’s basically weaponizing Ariana’s mental illness to prove her loyalty to the Witches of WeHo. It’s pathetic considering the fact Ariana has supported Lala from the very beginning. This group really cannot handle people in their feelings. Sure, if you’ve been cheated on and wanna get rage blackout, go right ahead, but any other emotion on the spectrum is off the table. No growth allowed! No therapy! No SSRIs! Because god forbid you work on yourself and see how toxic this friend group really is. Brittany knows Jax will regret if Tom isn’t at the wedding. Again, Jax will regret TOM SANDOVAL not being at the wedding over his own MOTHER. Ariana and Sandy arrive and we get a BIRTHDAY PARTY MONTAGE!
Jax has now decided he’s annoyed that Tom Sandoval texted him. Last week he was begging for a morsel of text and after receiving a David Foster Wallace novel, he’s decided it was too impersonal. Classic coke rage Jax. Somehow he gets surrounded by all the women and the flashing strobe lights reveal his dilated pupils and sweat drenched face. And AWAY. WE. GO. Stassi urges Jax to reconsider Tom Sandoval’s disinvite to the wedding. She claims they’ve both messed up in the past. Cut to a montage of Jax admitting he fucked Tom’s girlfriend and Tom punching him for fucking his girlfriend. Not necessarily separate but equal acts of wrong doing, but sure, editors. Brittany, Jax, Ariana and Tom Sandoval all sit down to discuss the wedding. Britt’s anxiety level is through the roof. I wonder how her ulcer is doing after those vodka shots. Brittany tells Tom she loves him and that one fight won’t change that. This causes Tom to break down, it doesn’t take much these days, and Jax is ready for another line of coke. He knows the quickest way to get outta there is to just agree to squash everything. He accepts Tom’s apology and reinstates him as Best Man (again). They all take tequila shots to cement Tom’s new-ish position and Brittany’s ulcer explodes. Tom Schwartz stops hyperventilating into a paper bag and turns off the playlist of Best Man YouTube tutorials. Jax reveals in his confessional that he doesn’t actually forgive Sandy. His goal was to end the conversation so he could snort some more ketamine before his nasal canals collapsed (again).
Blackout drunk Kristen slithers over to Katie and offers her a shot, but Katie isn’t into it. Kristen plays a pathetic hand of cards and attempts to guilt Katie for not reaching out in awhile. If you’re begging Katie Maloney to be your friend, things have really gone from bad to worse. Katie asks if Carter’s going to the wedding and Kristen is like, “Of Course!” Kristen is SUCH boyfriend girl. I, too, have a friend like this. They subconsciously believe the idea of not being in a relationship somehow decreases their worth, so they jump from relationship to relationship in order to feel validated. It definitely explains why Kristen dated the troll from Big Fish in Season 4. Katie is VERY over Carter and, for once, is in the right. Sure, her and Stassi are bad friends for being unsupportive during this messy break-up, but Blackout Kristen is no different from a sleep paralysis demon and Katie is justified in trying to slay it. Across the room, Raquel makes sure James isn’t drinking and alludes to the texts he sent the other night. If she has to endure an emotionally abusive relationship, the least it can do is serve as a storyline. James is over the party since he’s not allowed to drink. Imagine being surrounded by these people sober? I’d also be OUTTA there. Raquel begs him to stay so she can continue to shame him on camera for his off camera behavior. James tries to blame Raquel for his actions (a BIG ol’ cheater move). I’ve never cheated on a significant other, but it’s common knowledge that those that do are more prone to paranoia in the relationship. Ex: Every relationship Jax has ever been in.
Speaking of the devil, Jax and Brittany get back to their house and start drunk baby-talking to the dogs. It would be a relatable scene if they also weren’t calling LANCE BASS to confirm he is officiating their wedding. You know, after they fired their homophobic pastor. Talk about over-correcting! I wonder what they/Lisa have on Lance to convince him to set foot in Kentucky and marry two people he has clearly never spoken more than 5 words to. Jax tells Lance he wants him to wear a multi-colored robe and Lance mistakes it for a Jesus Christ Superstar reference. I’m FURIOUS!!!!
AT SUR, Raquel is taking goat cheese ball orders and questioning every decision in her life that led her to working here. Ariana pulls her into the Back Alley of SUR to talk about James’ texts. Ariana attempts a Good Will Hunting impression, “It’s not your fault!” But instead of breaking down, Raquel just stares at her blankly. Her program settings have not been updated to feel that emotion. Ariana reminds us she was in a verbally abusive relationship and doesn’t want Raquel to stay with James a second longer if he’s gonna talk to her that way, Raquel realizes the seriousness of the situation and agrees to right this situation for fear of losing her meal ticket.
In perhaps the best scene of the entire episode, we head back inside SUR, where Scheana saunters over to Brett. She asks about his date with Charli, but all i care about is how her famous enchiladas turned out! Brett is like, “Yeah you were right. Charli IS a club rat.” But before Scheana can give an “I told you so”, Charli pops up out of nowhere. She is straight up single white female-ing Scheana and I love it. They’re both wearing knee high boots, skirts and her signature long claws. Charli reveals to Scheana all the shit Brett talked about her on their date, IN FRONT OF BRETT. He just stares slack-jawed at the balls on this chick. And so do I! A woman has never successfully stood up to a man on this show (unless you’re Lisa). Charli doesn’t want a tiny dicked scrub to get in the middle of their friendship and Scheana clearly doesn’t know what to say. She’s always been a guy’s girl and now that Charli wants to team up, she has to rely on her improv skills from the Azusa Academy of Acting Tips and Tricks. Brett attempts to blindside Charli and tells her Scheana doesn’t like her OR trust her and this queen’s response is, “Well, she told you that in confidence and it’s shitty of you to betray Scheana’s trust.” I never thought I’d say this… but give me more Charli. Brett throws a tantrum that the scene isn’t going as planned and Charli tells him to, “WRITE. IT. IN. HIS. DIARY.”, Brett storms off to go kick a puppy. ALL HAIL QUEEN CHARLI.
Time for another AIRPLANE MONTAGE. The gang lands at Blue Grass Airport which seems sketchy af. But the plane didn’t crash so, hooray! We head to The Kentucky Castle in Versailles, Kentucky. And I’m truly shocked Peter made the invite list. Is he even on this show anymore? For his sake, I hope he owns some stock in SUR because this measly camera time cannot be paying the bills. The rooms are very Medieval Times a.k.a. Kentucky’s idea of the Renaissance. The rooms consist of a four poster bed and a four seater high top inside the bathroom. Kristen looks at the window and we see a breathtaking view of: zero landscaping, an acre of bare lawn and a busy freeway. Stunning. I’m shocked more of the cast isn’t complaining. it really proves that you can do NO WRONG your wedding season. Brittany better be pregnant by next year or she’s gonna get her comeuppance. Brittany and Jax’s dog shits in Stassi’s room and Stassi is like, “It’s fine! I’m fine! Everything’s FINE!” as her eyes bleed. This wedding will be her own personal episode of Survivor. The bridesmaids don their blue bathrobes and take some tequila shooters. They know that being sober for the next 48 hours is NOT an option. Lala tries to wear white to the rehearsal ceremony and the rest of the bridesmaids throw rocks at her and yell “SHAME” until she changes. In a twist of events, we find out Daug the lizard is DEAD. It’s extremely upsetting and unnecessary. Why did you introduce him as a character for ONE episode, Bravo editors?? WHY??? Knowing there is a lizard corpse in Katie and Tom Schwartz’s backyard is both horrifying, yet makes all the sense in the world. Brittany shouts from the balcony that she’s “GETTING MARRIED, Y’ALL” and it makes me yearn for the days when she was on the brim.
At TomTom, we get a quick, obligatory scene where it’s Max’s turn to guilt Lisa for not going to the wedding so she can attend her MOTHER’S FUNERAl. Lemme guess… Lisa is gonna surprise everyone and show up to the wedding at the very last minute?!?!?! This show loves to foreshadow. And prove that guilting people ultimately will manipulate them into doing what you want.
We head to the Wedding Rehearsal and Katie’s outfit has offended me to my core. Purple, pink, and red ruching? Just kill me. Speaking of scary clothing choices, Mitchell the Wedding Planner is sporting some VERY aggressive pants. Sandy brings a cooler of booze to prove his Best Man value while Schwartz continues to be useless. Then, we get a fake commercial edit for Tom Sandoval’s Best Man Business. I hate when the cast tries to be funny and self-aware. I want to see MAYHEM, not a digital short. Mitchell assigns everyone their aisle walking partners and at this point I had to lay down, because I found out one of Brittany’s friends is named “Jolly”. Okay, I’m back. Sandoval is standing right behind Jax at the wedding alter and Jax puts his Bride-zilla face on. This will never do. He complains to Brittany that Schwartz is his BEST FRIEND and he should be the one closest to him. Katie, eager to cause disappointment, breaks the news to Sandy that he’ll be walking with her and standing behind Schwartz. Sandy is disappointed but unsurprised.
At James and Raquel’s apartment, they’re making chicken tacos and James bruises some avocados by juggling them. Raquel wants to discuss the texts one last time, but James doesn’t understand why they have to keep talking about it after he’s already apologized. It’s called a pattern of abuse, James! Raquel claims he doesn’t wanna talk about it because he’s embarrassed and he should be. I’m here for the women holding the men accountable this season. A BIG left turn for gender roles on this show.
James storms out of the apartment and Raquel goes into shut down mode, like when you leave the TV on for too long with no one in the room. Luckily, James returns just in time before he has to boot her back up. Raquel starts crying and makes James promise to go to one Al-Anon meeting with her. Raquel being an ugly crier is a true gift from the universe. I could watch it all day. James calls her “Bubba” while he comforts her and it warms my heart picturing how upset Katie is that he stole her pet name.
Next week: Jax gets rage blackout, Stassi’s jealous of Kristen and Max cheats on Dayna.
Get ready for a Kentucky Fried Wedding!
xoxo
vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 8: a homophobic priest walks into the valley
I apologize for the delay in recaps. I was getting my knee sliced and diced and my tibia, femur and patella shaved down. Yes, I was still watching and yes, I was just as horrified as you were watching Kristen Doute try to hit a baseball. Though I’ll admit, I regret denying you my Vanderpump Rules takes on a full dose of oxy, you’ll have to make do with a codeine infused recap. Most of this weeks’ episode is dealing with the fallout of last weeks’ explosive fight after Sandoval dared to question Jax and Brittany about the length of time it took for them to fire their homophobic pastor. It seems CONVENIENT that it took Lisa (their executive producer) questioning it for them to formally fire him. They could not make the decision of their own volition. And you better believe if this wasn’t being filmed, that pastor would’ve married them, been invited to the reception and probably bought multiple shares in Meemaw’s Beer Cheese stocks.
The episode opens with Stassi arriving at the Bubbas’ Valley Home (sounds way less chic than Villa Rosa). We learn Tom Schwartz has a pet lizard named “Daug”. That’s like naming your dog “Cat Stevens”. This kind of irony is considered groundbreaking if you’re in middle school and it’s 2004, but these days it’s a sad attempt at making yourself seem more interesting. Sorry, there’s gonna be a lot of tangents. Stassi makes one of MANY unwarranted Game of Thrones references. If i could pick 5 items to sum up who Stassi is at her core they’d be: a bottle of ranch, a tangled Khaleessi wig from Spirit Halloween, spray tan stained bed sheets, a white faux fur rug from Home Goods and an ice pick covered in Laura Leigh’s blood. Katie, Tom and Stassi make fun of Sandoval for always having to prove how “woke” he is. Normally, I’d agree. White men doing this insincerely is EXHAUSTING. But the fact is, the spectrum from “wokeness” to ignorance for this cast is maybe an inch wide. Tom isn’t making radical statements. He’s calling Jax and Brittany out for refusing to fire a confirmed homophobic pastor. They didn’t fire him because of their morals, they fired him because of public backlash. Sandy just wants them to admit it. But after 8 seasons, Jax’s self-awareness is hiding with Scheana’s somewhere in Guillermo’s offshore accounts, so the odds of him EVER admitting to doing ANYTHING wrong are zero. Stassi, Katie and Tom agree that they feel bad for Brittany, but I don’t. Britt has made her bed and she can lie in it (along with her 6 figure Bravo salary). I’m sure she sleeps fine.
We head down the street to Britt and Jax’s home, where they’re going over the wedding seating chart with her mom, Sherri. I’m proud of Sherri for retiring her white, cum-like lip gloss she donned seasons 4-6. It was time. They don’t know where to seat Tom Sandoval, and in fact, are considering booting him from the wedding party AND the invite list altogether. At Ariana and Tom’s house, tensions are still high. Ariana identifies as bisexual and feels personally attacked by the words of the homophobic pastor. When Brittany ordered Jax to, “kick Tom’s ass”, Ariana saw her for who Brittany truly is and it irked her. Jumping from a civilized conversation to aggravated assault, especially against the love of her life, doesn’t especially make her wanna patch things up with Brittany or even send a “you good?” text. But Ariana and Tom are forgetting the rules of marriage on this show. When you get married and you’re a Vanderpump Rules cast member, you can do no wrong for 2 seasons: your engagement season and your wedding season. Didn’t they watch Seasons 4 and 5? Katie was a swamp dwelling fire breathing sadist and nobody did shit about it. Brittany cannot be taken to task until next season and the rest of the cast members will see to it. Then, it finally happens. Randall “I’m Sorry, Fofty” Emmet makes his Bravo debut!!!
So much to unpack. We get an MTV Cribs montage of his Hollywood Hills home. At first glance, I thought Lala was his punk teenage son. But then I noticed she was wearing a shirt with her own face on it. She fixes the pool chair cushions and we learn her and Randall are engaged! Wow I wonder who gets to be Bridal Queen Bee next season… a fight to the death between Lala and Stassi is JUST what the doctor ordered. In the most unsurprising news ever, we learn Randall and Jax are BEST FRIENDS. Misery loves company. And the epitome of a human toe should get along well with the personification of steroid cream. Also, Jax is 40. He is closer in age to Rand than he is to anyone in the cast. Who else is he gonna compare assisted living facilities with? They dish about The Sandy vs. Jax and Brittany Fight and can’t wait to gossip about it on their double date tonight.
At Villa Rosa, Brett has just arrived to train* Lisa (*shoot an overly produced scene in her kitchen). She hurt her ankle, but in true Lisa fashion refuses to wear a heel below 3 inches. Brett loves to tell his boss about his sex life. It must be one of his kinks because this is like the fifth time. He confides in Lisa that he plans to ask out Charli Without an E, who is basically Scheana 8 years ago. Lisa begs him to date outside her business, but if you rewind it at x2 speed and listen to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon in reverse, you can actually see her winking as she forces Brett to sign a blood oath stating he’ll only date co-workers for the rest of his natural born life. Lisa warns Brett that Scheana will be jealous once she hears about Charli, but Brett thinks she’ll understand. Lol. Has he seen this show?
Over at TomTom, Katie and Tom Schwartz grill Max about his new “relationship” with Dayna. Max argues that being exclusive doesn’t necessarily mean they’re in a relationship because he doesn’t know what words mean. Meanwhile, Dayna is over at SUR bragging to Raquel about her vagina’s newfound monogamy. God, I hope Dayna dumped him after the Racist Tweet Scandal of 2020. At SUR, Ariana and Tom Sandoval are bartending when Jax arrives in a cold sweat. He just snorted 3 lines of ketamine in the unisex bathroom where he railed Laura Leigh (OMG 2 L.L. references already, this codeine really has me on one) and he’s ready to fight! He asks Tom if he can stop pretending to work for a minute so they can go talk.
Enter: The Back Alley of SUR Restaurant. We see some gorgeous status placement when Sandy allows Jax to take the one and only chair. Jax wants Tom to apologize but he is incapable of doing it without bringing up the past. Then, Tom alludes to Jax having bad credit, which makes all the sense in the world. How else could he afford that GNC membership in the early seasons. Jax is convinced Tom and Ariana are trying to make him look bad and sabotage his wedding because he is in a deep k-hole of paranoia. Tom feels like he hasn’t been allowed to bring up anything uncomfortable with Jax for over a year because of the wedding and his father’s death. He’s tired of being a yes man. Jax responds to logic by firing Sandy from Best Man, and as if that isn’t enough, he disinvites him from the wedding. Ouch. We transition with a SUR montage: Charlie Without an E is wasted talking to customers. Raquel has been tricked by Lisa into waitressing full time and making below minimum wage. Brett pulls Charli aside and asks her out. Charli isn’t really into it but loves the idea of more screen time, so she agrees. In her confessional, she brags about meeting a millionaire at an Emmy party, which I’m convinced was really her trapped in a Buca di Beppo bathroom stall after taking too much acid.
Over at another nameless L.A. restaurant that agreed to let them film, Randall, Lala, Jax and Brittany are going on a double date. All four down tequila shots right away because they have absolutely nothing in common. Jax announces that Tom Sandoval is no longer welcome at his wedding and goes on a ten minute coke-fueled rant saying if Tom wants to investigate something so bad, why doesn’t he investigate Ariana’s sexuality. Jax is so deeply repressed. Brittany understands how insane Jax looks so she backtracks and says she didn’t mind Tom asking the question, just that it was the wrong place and wrong time. Brittany, not taking Jax’s side on day four of a coke binge is the WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME. Jax immediately snaps, turns on Brittany and throws in her face all the things he’s done for her. Randall sees Jax just needs another bump so they head to the little boys’ room together. Lala, who hasn’t said two words yet, has come up with a thesis for why Ariana and Tom acted the way they did: They don’t want to see others do well. She claims it can be traced all the way back to STASSI’S BOOK SIGNING EVENT. Wow, I thought that dispute was dead and buried. Lala calls Ariana a wet blanket and says she wouldn’t want her in her wedding. Which seems like a HUGE left turn because they’ve always been friends. Hi, Lala, who stuck by you seasons 4-6 when the Witches of WeHo were against you? Lala continues to talk shit about Ariana, not realizing that maybe her unhappiness and inability to be happy for others is directly linked to her mental health. This is not a good friend. But name one non-toxic friendship on this show. i’LL WAIT.
Jax decides he wants Randall in Tom’s place in the wedding because he flies him on private jets and provides him with free stimulants. He gets down on one knee and Randall is so touched, a lone tear falls atop his TWO orders of fried chicken sandwiches, hold the bread.
Over at TomTom, Ariana tells Katie that Sandy has been uninvited from the wedding, and in a complete turn of events, she’s on Ariana and Tom’s side. Katie thinks it’s ridiculous and that Jax has taken it too far. To be honest, Jax and Katie have never really gotten along. Mutual enemies create friendships. Sandoval breaks the news to Schwartz that he’s been uninvited from the wedding and they sob in each others arms in a pantry closet. I swear they would’ve made out were it not for the entire film crew. Beau, who is an Animorph of a bowtie, has magically appeared and presses Ariana about whether she will still attend the wedding. Ariana isn’t sure, she has to speak to Britt about it. Schwartz is in denial and thinks if Sandy apologizes, they cans till turn things around. Schwartz promises to make a case for Sandy tomorrow.
We get a rare “Driving Around” scene where Scheana is heading back to L.A. from Azusa. I wish I could hang with Scheana in Azusa. We’d get matching dolphin tattoos on our ankles to commemorate her move to Marina. She calls Brett to see if he’s free to make enchiladas with her, an honor! Brett turns her down and reveals he has a date with Charli Without an E. Scheana’s world crumbles and I’m actually shocked she didn’t get into an accident right then and there. Brett should’ve had her pull over before breaking the news. Not only was Scheana being passed over, but she was being passed over for a YOUNGER WOMAN. As someone who started getting preventative Botox at 25 years old, this cannot bode well for Scheana. She catapults into a monologue about how she doesn’t see them together and Charli is just looking for a good time, nothing serious, and that she’s nothing but a CLUB RAT (my new favorite term, after Kelly Dodd’s use of “dweeb”).
She further goes on to call Brett out for saying he wasn’t attracted to Charli, because you KNOW Scheana already asked about her in fit of insecurity. Scheana claims she’s only worried about him because she’s his friend, which we know ended amazing for her and Adam last season.
At Jax and Brittany’s, the groomsmen have arrived for a tux fitting and Ariana has arrived to finally talk to Brittany face to face. Ariana tells Brittany she’s pissed that she kept ordering Jax to beat up Sandy. Brittany is like, yeah my bad, but we didn’t like what he was insinuating. She claims she didn’t see all the homophobic shit the pastor had said before they decided to fire him. Ariana thinks she worked hard to maintain her ignorance, which is a READ. Ariana doesn’t know if she can go to this wedding without Tom, which makes perfect sense after hearing about where she is mentally. She needs a support system and none of these bitches are going to provide it. Brittany cries and says she’ll need a decision soon because she’s not just a guest, she’s a BRIDESMAID.
Brett and Charli get their own worthless scene that I will not be spending my precious time on. Highlights: We learn Charli has only just tried avocado, Brett is from New Jersey, they drink $16 smoothies and Brett uses the word “genuinity”. NUFF SAID. Also, Brett plants the seeds in Charli’s mind that Scheana is mad they’re on a date. Can these woman band together to destroy Brett? We’ll see.
At Villa Rosa, Jax and Brittany have been summoned by Lisa. She can’t come to the wedding because she has her mother’s funeral in London. It’s a v tragic scene and I won’t make fun of it. You can tell Lisa is not up for filming and as soon as she’s done breaking the news, retreats upstairs to the master leaving Jax and Brittany alone in her giant mansion. Rosia must have had to escort them out because you know those two would claim squatters rights.
At TomTom, Max and Dayna try to make plans to hang out, but Max is busy with work. Woh-woh, who cares? Not me. Dayna is like “Prioritize me or lose me.” I pray for the latter. The Toms discuss Lisa’s recent loss and Schwartz breaks it to Sandy that Jax has replaced him with Randall. Sandy is pissed. He’s sick of walking on eggshells around Jax and doesn’t feel he can say anything. Ariana, Lala and Stassi are seated in the front of TomTom discussing Tom’s dis-invitation. Stassi thinks Tom should be at the wedding and that he and Ariana need to “roll over” and apologize. Ariana isn’t sure why she should compromise her morals for an event she really doesn’t give a fuck about. Lala calls Ariana out for being Miss Mopey Pants and Ariana agrees. She tells them how depressed she is and that, yeah, she doesn’t enjoy most things these days. She also reveals that she’s considered taking her own life multiple times. Stassi and Lala have both been there. They’re empathetic and want her to share her feelings with them more often so they can understand where she’s coming from, but it’s hard when Ariana doesn’t feel safe with her friend group. She admits to being Debbie Downer but says she can’t help it because it’s literally a chemical imbalance in her brain. Will someone please show Ariana PsychologyToday.com so she can get a referral for a psychiatrist? Ariana admits she feels too unstable to attend the wedding without Tom and Stassi is surprisingly understanding.
Ariana finds Sandoval and immediately breaks down, not because of Lala and Stassi, because they were actually chill about it, but because she’s in a spiral of hopelessness and doesn’t know how to get out. She wants to run away and leave her life behind (won’t help, SSRIs will) and Tom stares at her helpless. He’s seen her in this state before, but claims it happens too rarely for them to have developed a plan of action. Tom reveals he sent Jax a 5 paragraph essay apologizing and wishing him well and Ariana is mad he bent the knee. She doesn’t want to repair friendships with these toxic people. Self-care! The episode ends with her crying on Tom’s shoulder and i’m in my feelings. Big mental health moment for reality television and I’m here for it!
Next week: Brittany’s on the brim, we arrive at Versailles (not that one) and Raquel gets a backbone! Can’t wait! There was a serious lack of Doute in this week’s episode and I hope it gets rectified.
Until then.
xoxox
vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 5: a coven divided
The episode opens with the continuation of the Miami fight. Stassi and Katie scream at Kristen in the middle of a 4 star restaurant for “lying” to them about her relationship with Carter. Kristen has had it and brings up how she was there for them when both Schwartzy and Patrick cheated on them a.k.a. ANTM’s Laura James’ only true claim to fame.
Katie has HAD it with being humiliated on television season after season. Just kidding! She lacks the self-awareness. If she had one ounce of it she would’ve broken up with Schwartz after he dumped a drink on her head in Mexico in Season 2. Katie screeches and screams and blames Kristen for bringing up an emotional trauma that she’s worked hard to compartmentalize and never think of again. Stassi has a different approach. She makes Kristen question her abilities as a friend, essentially releasing a sleeper agent of psychological torment to store itself inside Kristen’s frontal lobe and detonate at the exact right moment. Brittany begs and pleads for them to stop fighting at HER bachelorette party because she wants just one storyline that revolves around her and doesn’t include Jax sticking his tongue down another woman’s throat. Kristen apologizes for the poor timing. She never wants to make Brittany, her one true love, upset. Brittany is like, “Let’s go to the strip club and help underprivileged girls pay for their nursing degrees.” Kristen, being the only cast member to go through therapy and not film it, realizes her mistake and politely asks Katie if they can continue the conversation at a later time. Katie can’t handle logic and the veins in her forehead bulge as she squawks, “SHUT UP! DON’T TALK TO ME.”
We cut back to the hotel where all the Bachelors have to decided to be ~quirky~ af. For Schwartz’s bachelor party in Season 5, they dressed as drag queens and Jax refuses to be one-upped. He demands they dress as old men. Sandoval continues to pledge his loyalty as best man (love that Schwartz has done jack shit and still holds a title) and hires local Miami movie quality make-up artists to glue prosthetics onto their faces. WHERE IS PETER BTW?!?! Each guy has developed an alternate persona for the night, but none of them are Yiddish so I DON’T CARE. This is wonderful exposure therapy for Jax since his greatest fear is growing old and losing his looks. The guys plan to show up at the strip club and hit on the Bachelorettes to see if anyone recognizes them. Before leaving the make-up artists warn the boys not to take off any make-up themselves and, regardless of how late they get back, to PLEASE call them to take it off. FORESHADOWING.
In contractual SUR scene #1, Lisa tells assistant manager Danica that she’s receiving a Hollywood Legacy Award (vague) and that it’s a HUGE DEAL. She also states Danica will be the only manager working SUR during Pride, as Peter will be in the parade. I would rather see a goat cheese ball than Peter on the SUR Pride Parade float tbh. Danica just graduated from college 30 seconds ago, but insists she will have everything under control and that Lisa has no cause for concern. Lol. Danica, Lisa is only at ease when she’s received an insurance payout for setting one of her restaurants on fire.
Back in Miami, the bachelorettes arrive at E11even, a strip club with a floor so sticky, you can’t stand in the same place for longer than a minute without getting stuck, and we get a CLUBBING MONTAGE!
Brittany is wearing a butterfly, cow print, two piece dress she saw in an Instagram targeted ad because it heard she was from Kentucky, y’all. Ariana is making it rain instead of using her money to furnish her new home. The boys arrive and enter Da Clerrrrb. Jax is wheeling an oxygen tank filled with nitrous oxide. Katie spots the boys from a mile away and immediately identifies them. Ariana is appalled, but mostly turned on. Her and Sandy are def sleeping together tonight. Katie takes this opportunity to tell Schwartz that Kristen is CUT. Who do you think you are? The director from A Chorus Line? Andy Cohen FaceTiming Vicki Gunvalson? You do not have the authority to CUT anyone, Katie Maloney! She further states that Schwartz isn’t allowed to be friends with Sandoval and/or Ariana anymore because they’re trying to blame him for the Book Signing Fight. Katie, GO HOME. First of all, your timing is horrible. Second, the Toms’ friendship will always be more important than your relationship and your multiple attempts to destroy that is pathetic. And third, we know you’re jealous of Ariana because you think Schwartz is in love with her. Divorce him and go to therapy and you’ll be much happier, boo. She insists Sandy thinks he’s above Schwartz. The psychological abuse/manipulation is REAL.
Over at TomTom, we get a Vanderpump Vodka plug and another harbinger from Lisa that Pride will be a shit show. Max (Racist #1), will be the only TomTom manager on call. Lisa’s toes are tingling at the thought of a new rivalry between employees and she plants the seeds. She tells Max that Danica will be the only SUR manager working that day since she insisted she could handle it. Max is doubtful and voices his concerns. But most importantly, we learn James will be DJing at TomTom for Pride!
Max is willing to take ANY AND ALL blame should anything happen with James. MORE FORESHADOWING. Lisa says James is not allowed to drink one sip of alcohol. She knows Max has underestimated his’ temper and cannot WAIT for shit to hit the fan.
In our contractual SUR scene #2, Danica and Dayna chat in the garden about Max. Danica is “concerned” about their relationship because Max previously dated her friend Adriana, who happens to be working tonight, and treated her like garbage. He allegedly ghosted Adriana after sleeping with her best friend on her 30th Birthday. GOOD LAWD. Dayna is like, “Cool. I can handle myself and if anyone’s gonna be treated like garbage it’s gonna be Max.”
Dayna knows this whole convo is BS and Danica is absolutely NOT looking out for her. Dayna gives her permission to say “I told you so.” Danica begrudgingly agrees and heads to the kitchen to deliver some crispy chicken.
Back in Miami, it’s 4 a.m. Everyone is blackout drunk and nothing hurts. It’s revealed that all the Bachelors are wearing old man underwear, a.k.a. tightie whities. As predicted, Scheana and Peter fight over the bathroom mirror. Kristen spills the tea to Jax about Katie being a monster earlier in the night and Jax, who is fully in the middle of a coke binge, tells her not to worry about it. God their friendship has come so far. Ariana warns Sandy about her fight with Katie, as she knows it’s likely gotten back to Schwartz by now. She wants it squashed! She says their issues have nothing to do with Stassi OR her horrible book. It’s about the Toms and their communication problems. The Toms get together to talk things out and Sandy does everything humanly possible to get out of apologizing. The editors gift us with a glorious montage of Sandy throughout the years saying “Sorry, but…” Is this the new, “But um”? The Toms eventually hug it out after a brief screaming match and agree Schwartz is too passive while Sandy is too hung up on the minor details. Ariana gets in on the hug action and I’m into it. When will this threesome happen? The fans are basically begging for it.
The next morning we get a hangover montage so authentic that just watching it will generate eye crust and a sinus headache. Kristen ambles mindlessly around her hotel room as she cracks open a White Claw.
Schwartz dons another nightgown and Jax literally takes a look at himself in the mirror (because there’s a mirror on the ceiling over the bed. LOL). The boys are still in their old man make-up. Beau is stuck with an Old Western sheriff mustache because he forgot his beard trimmer at home and Stassi refuses to sleep with him for the rest of the trip. Brittany texts the make-up artists to COME QUICK, because she can’t stand looking into the face of the future she’s agreed to be a part of. Katie tells Schwartz she’s “taking a break” from Kristen, because this show only talks in Friends euphemisms. Kristen knows after last night that Katie has disowned her, but she’s hoping Stassi will be more reasonable. Yeah. That sounds like Stassi.
The guys, still in make-up, convene in Ariana and Sandy’s room and Ariana wakes up to 4 geezers standing around her bed. It’s VERY Rosemary’s Baby. The Bachelors tear off their wigs, against direct orders from the make-up artists, and, like a psychopath on PCP, Jax uses a butter knife to rip open his (fake) skin. The make-up artists arrive at the hotel room and, from their faces, I’d guess they were witnessing the aftermath of a mass serial killing spree. I love when normal humans are forced to interact with this cast. Most of the girls (and Peter) head to the beach and we get the gift of Lala’s butt. Katie wants to gossip about her fight with Kristen but Brittany is over this weekend not being about her and Jax. She claims she’s done with this drama (pronounced like Dramamine). The rest of the boys plus Kristen and Scheana are at the poolside cabana. Kristen and Scheana dissect last night’s fight. Kristen claims she would take a bullet for Katie and doesn’t feel it would be reciprocated. Lala tells Katie that the way she spoke to Kristen was abysmal and if she can talk to her that way, their friendship is v v toxic. Have you seen this show, Lauren? Stassi is more patient than Katie and doesn’t love that they’re talking shit about their close friend. Scheana tells Kristen she thinks her and Katie have outgrown each other. YES. Protect Scheana at all costs. For every ten Kinkos poster montages from Scheana, we also get one truly insightful nugget of knowledge that she’s garnered from being bullied on this show for eight seasons straight.
Back in West Hollywood, we head to Dayna’s apartment, which is so vacant, if it wasn’t for her pet cat, I’d guess she was squatting there. Max has come over to quiz her on the SUR menu which I remind our readers includes A WARM POTATO SALAD. Love that this show is refusing to acknowledge the famous food poisoning incident of 2019. Dayna shares Danica’s concerns with him. Max claims it’s all lies and that Adriana was just a booty call to him. It meant NOTHING, and apparently she knew that, so he doesn’t feel bad about ghosting her. That’s because he’s a sociopath. I bet he wouldn’t feel bad about hitting a puppy with his car. He certainly doesn’t feel bad about getting a high fade and buttoning his shirt all the way to the top like it’s 2013. Dayna chooses to believe Max over Danica because she’s a guy’s girl. Max has her in an “us against the world” type of destructive mindset and convinces her everyone just wants them to break-up. At the end of the day, I think Dayna can take care of herself and is probably pretty smart compared to the rest of the cast. However, hooking up with Max makes her look like a big old DING DONG DUNCE.
In Miami, everyone is getting ready for their night out. We get another bathroom mirror fight from Scheana and Peter and Schwartz is petitioning for no more strip clubs as he tosses his old man underwear right in Katie’s face. Classic Bubba move!
Contractual SUR scene #3 opens with a goat cheese ball close-up over a bed of julienned carrots. Raquel is back after her annual tune-up and she delivers espresso martinis after pronouncing them the wrong way. Danica and Dayna chat near the host stand. Dayna tells her she has confronted Max about the Adriana issue and they’re all good. Danica is pissed her attempts to break them up didn’t work and heads back to the drawing board.
In Miami, we’re at Hyde for one last night of debauchery. Stassi is wearing a white button down as a dress because she thinks she’s Rachel Zoe. Brittany is sad Kristen and Katie are still fighting. She understands Kristen and Carter because she and Jax have had their own tumultuous relationship. She claims people look up to her and Jax as a couple.
Then, in what I can only imagine was thought up through an acid flashback fever dream curated by Shia LaBeouf, the VIP hosts bring out two GIGANTIC cut out heads of Jax and Brittany. I am never sleeping again.
Back at SUR, Lisa arrives with dogs & co. for her post award celebratory dinner. She was awarded for her “efforts” in the LGBTQIA community. What efforts? REMEMBER WHAT SHE DID TO BILLIE LEE??? She sits down in Dayna’s section and is ready to quiz her on the menu. I can only describe the SUR menu as “old British lady” chic. There’s an entire section dedicated to “fine tea”. One of the appetizers is “tuna couscous” and you can order a side of BOTH sweet peas AND snap peas. Why…? Regardless, Dayna nails it and Lisa is impressed. She’s found a new youthful soul to torment, she’s won an award, and a Pomeranian is sitting in her lap. Life is good! We find out Brett is working security for Pride next week and Ken negs and body shames him at the same time. Ken is a savage! Max arrives at SUR to pick Dayna up and him and Raquel celebrate The Return of DJ James Kennedy.
Back in Miami, Kristen and Stassi sit down to chat. Kristen gives her signature blackout drunk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Stassi is frustrated with her for lying about Carter but Kristen says her break-up doesn’t have to work for Stassi. That’s not her job as a friend. Stassi says she doesn’t like Carter but she loves Kristen and will be there for her regardless of who she’s dating and nothing will ever change that. It is surprisingly sweet and sincere and completely out of character for Stassi. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Brittany screams “This the best bachelorette party EVER!!” and jumps in a pool fully clothed with a bunch of no names from her bridal party.
Next week we’ll see: PRIDE PARADE, James’ sobriety being tested and Scheana getting an asthma attack!
Are you ready to get problematic with pronouns? I know Lisa is!
vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 4: kristen’s ko-dependency
1/30/20
by: Hillary Sussman
I’d like to begin by apologizing for denying you my full take on everyone’s interview lewks, which give us further proof that money can’t buy taste. Brittany is wearing an animal print night gown. Lala is giving me eighties mom realness à la Shelley Long in Troop Beverly Hills. Katie’s make-up and hair look like she just stumbled out of Studio 54 at 6 a.m. after railing an eight ball and is on her way to a discotheque with Mikhail Baryshnikov. That’s all.
The episode opens with it’s classic royalty-free bubble gum pop. Jax is wearing a Friday the 13th Jason mask and watering the garden and it’s truly the most relaxed I’ve ever seen him. Brittany giggles at her ~*quirky*~* beau, not realizing her life is in danger. It’s time for a…. Packing montage!
Scheana’s apartment is an extension of her personality. Her Kinko’s made 36x24 wedding posters have been replaced by her own merch! Namely, a print of her signature Almost Famous tattoo. She giggles that her bikini bottoms might be too small because of her FAT ASS. If Scheana has a fat ass, my ass needs its own governing body. Everyone is excited to get out of town and head to MIAMI!!! We see a photo of Sandoval and Jax(’s first face) and are reminded their friendship began in Miami when they were just wee, young models. Will creepy John make an appearance like last time they visited Miami? I can’’t wait for the day he profits off all Jax’s dirty little secrets.
Stassi and Beau are proud of Kristen for FINALLY ending things with Carter. She’s gonna be a Destiny’s Child Independent Woman. It must be noted that Stassi has a froshhhh spray tan for Miami and is definitely feeling herself. It’s Move In day for Kristen and we get a shot of her carrying, not one, but two guitars over the threshold of her new abode, because in case you forgot, she’s a rocker girl. Ariana comes over to help her unpack. Can we have a moment of silence for Ariana’s butt in those leggings? It’s incredible. Ariana spies a box in Kristen’s house labeled, “Carter” and her face is the epitome of an ellipses. Kristen explains he accidentally had it sent there and, yes, they are still sleeping together but it’s DEFINITELY over. Ariana and Kristen fight over who was in the right last episode at Stassi’s Book Signing. Ariana is obviously on Sandoval’s side because he’s her soulmate and Kristen is on Stassi’s side because she has Stockholm Syndrome.
We head to TomTom where Max (who, due to a recent uncovering of horrifying tweets, will henceforth be known as Racist #1) is in the process of ordering his minions around, when a fire breaks out! Ironically, it’s at a non-working fireplace decorated with ill placed candles. I sat at that VERY fireplace when I went to TomTom. The two people of color save the day and are rewarded with chyrons. We learn the woman is named Valissa and the man is JoJo. Lisa is pissed they ruined her attempt at another insurance fraud but cameras are on so she’s all smiles. She sits Racist #1 down to get to the bottom of the Stassi Book Signing Fight. He is tight-lipped and clearly doesn’t wanna throw his boss, Sandoval, under the boss. But he also doesn’t wanna throw his boss, Schwartz, under the bus. He’s at a standstill. Lisa decides to hold him hostage until she gets the whole story,
Airplane montage!
Brittany is wearing a Bride-To-Be sash and everyone is in coach. We land in Miami and Jax reminds us that this is where Jason Couchi had to die so that Jax Taylor could live. Did Jason kill a stripper named Jax and take on his identity? IT’S JUST A QUESTION. The bachelor/ettes head to the hotel and are greeted with margaritas. We find out Scheana is sharing a room with Peter and I can’t wait for them to fight over the bathroom mirror. Sandoval takes this opportunity to pull Stassi aside and offer her a napology. “I’m sorry for being a dick, but you deserved it”. I asked my friend if it was okay that I thought Sandoval looked super hot in the scene and the look on her face told me that I need to be 5150ed. Stassi agrees to follow protocol next time and keep Sandy in the loop, but she is still PISSED.
All the hotel rooms are gold accented french nouveau riche, but put it through a rose filter, and everyone asks if Stassi designed them. The bachelors are headed out for a Miami “rat pack themed night”, which means Tom Sandoval NEEDS to wear a fake moustache. The bachelorettes will be wearing their tacky wedding dresses. This group loves a theme. As do I. I was a theatre major, after all. We learn Sandoval rented a yacht* (*booze cruise boat) for tomorrow to prove to Jax he made the right choice re-enlisting him as best man. Stassi tells Beau about her hotel lobby conversation with Sandoval and Beau wants to defend Stassi’s honor, partly because he thinks she’s in the right but mostly because he’s terrified of her. Stassi says next time she’ll have her book signing at TGI Fridays because, “they have the good ranch anyways”. Stassi, girl, NO. On the “shitty chain restaurants” tier, TGI Fridays is the bottom of the barrel. Followed closely by Applebee’s, Then Chili’s. THEN Red Lobster. Have you learned nothing from your basic bitch persona? Stassi’s also mad at Ariana because when she was at the airport book store, likely Hudson News, she moved her book from the back of the store to the front for optimal exposure. Allegedly, Ariana was overheard telling Sandoval that she thought Stassi brought her own book to the store and that they didn’t have it in stock at all. More on that later.
Back at TomTom, Lisa calls Schwartz, Sandy and Stassi to get the entire Book Signing Fight story. Racist #1 is still there. He hasn’t been allowed to eat or drink in weeks, but he hasn’t broken yet. Consensus from Tom, Tom and Stassi is that Sandoval needs to be more professional and keep calm under pressure. In Miami, the bachelor/ettes are out on the town. The boys head to a strip club and order bottle service because this is Vanderpump Rules and everyone is garbage. Beau pretends to be uncomfortable getting a lap dance because he has Satan, a.k.a. Stassi, to answer to at the end of the night.
The girls go to Shhh Lounge in their tacky wedding dresses and, like a newborn deer, Kristen falls right away. Can I please get a gif of this? Ariana pulls Scheana aside to ask if she knows why everyone is treating her like Cady Heron at the beginning of Mean Girls and since it has nothing to do with Scheana, she hasn’t even noticed.
We head over to the strip club just in time to see Peter try to hide his erection while Jax tells a stripper he’s dead inside. Beau pulls Sandy aside to talk about… guess what? THE BOOK SIGNING FIGHT. This better not be the overarching conflict of the season because i’m already bored as fuck. It’s the RHOBH’s Puppygate all over again. Beau and Sandy cannot come to an agreement on who was in the right, but they wanna have a fun weekend and can put it aside… for now.
We get an obligatory SUR scene where Brett (Racist Tweeter #2) and Charli Without an E talk about being the new SURvers. Lisa asks Dayna how she’s transitioning in an attempt to get her to talk shit and it works! Dayna tells her that Scheana’s been a real bitch lately and Lisa is surprised to hear this considering how Scheana was treated by the Witches of WeHo when she first started at SUR.
Back in Miami, the Vanderpump Rules editors prove their love of cinema with an ‘in medias res’ tribute. Brittany is back at the hotel and wails loudly while all her bridesmaids sit silently in terror. Everyone is still wearing tacky wedding dresses. Turns out, after Shhh Lounge, the bachelorettes went to another club where they were greeted with VIP hosts holding a sign that said “Don’t Do It, Brittany”. At first, Brittany found the sign amusing, but after Kristen’s k-hole paranoia rubbed off on her, she decided it was meant to be offensive and make fun of her relationship. Brittany forced all the bachelorettes to leave the club and go back to the hotel where she could sob in private. She’s sick of everyone making fun of her relationship and feels this was a PERSONAL ATTACK. Ariana tells her that the club actually does this for all bachelorette parties as a joke and she’s not as special as she thinks, but Brittany doesn’t have the mental capacity to comprehend that. Lala and Kristen get into a fight because Lala is on the side of sanity and Kristen is still coming down from her club drug binge. Also, Kristen is secretly in love with Brittany. Remember where Brittany’s Kentucky Muffin nickname came from?
The girls all secretly think Brittany is overreacting but god forbid she demote them from bridesmaid, so they decide to enable her wild accusations and lack of evidence. Jax bursts the hotel room doors carrying two boxes of pizza. If Little Caesar’s was a Greek God… Brittany beams and tells Jax she got irrationally mad on his behalf tonight because their love language is toxic acts of service. The girls open Jax’s pizza boxes to discover 4 pieces of pizza and 2 chicken bones. Is Jax Tituba reincarnated? Was he performing a voodoo ritual to get out of marrying Brittany?
The next day everyone is hungover, but they have to get on a yacht* (*booze cruise). What a nightmare. Peter looks like he was rode hard and put away wet. We get a shady editor moment where all the boys claim the strip club was HORRIBLE and they were UNCOMFORTABLE the entire time followed by a flashback of Schwartz getting a lap dance and Jax motorboating a stripper he wants to leave Brittany for. They embark on their yacht journey and all the women are wearing “Bride Team” bathing suits and sunglasses that say #JaxGotItWright. I hate wedding hashtags almost as much as I hate destination weddings. Almost. Scheana complains to the other OGs about Dayna and essentially slut shames her for not wearing a bra. Lala is like, “Oh, so it’s me season 4?” And Scheana attempts to backtrack. It’s not Dayna’s lack of bra she’s mad it, it’s her lack of fake boobs. Close call, Scheana. You do not want to get on Lala’s bad side.
Jax gets marriage advice from his sister and launches into a monologue about how much he’s grown. Sure, Jan. Kristen asks Lala if she can steal her for a sec and apologizes for fighting with her last night. She says the booze (and ketamine) heightened her emotions and she promises to work on being a shit show. Kristen also admits to texting Carter last night and says she has to see him Saturday because that box we saw at her apartment labeled “Carter” is full of their sex toys! God, I do not want that visual. Lala asks if they’re still sleeping together and Kristen is like, “YUP!” Jax is grateful Sandy is proving his loyalty as Best Man by planning this booze cruise and appreciates the effort. They reminisce about being young models in this godforsaken town. Ariana finally asks Stassi what her damage is and Stassi is apparently taking out her anger from the Book Signing Fight on Ariana as well as Sandoval. You get some passive aggression and you get some passive aggression! Everyone gets passive aggression!
Ariana blames Schwartz for the everything and Stassi yells at her for throwing poor Schwartzy under the bus. Honestly, it’s not NOT Schwartz’s fault. He’s never been the brains of the operation and he’s known to crumble under pressure. Stassi is also mad at Ariana because Katie told her (OF COURSE Maloney is behind it) that she was saying the airport book store didn’t stock her book. Stassi claims Ariana is jealous of her success and doesn’t support other women!
Back at the hotel we have a Getting Ready Montage! The bachelorettes are going out to dinner and the bachelors have a surprise planned* (*Will it involve a theme???). Kristen stands outside the restaurant and calls Carter. He wants to come by her apartment and pick up some of his things. He calls her “babe” and I cringe. Inside the restaurant, Stassi tells Katie that Ariana is blaming Schwartz for everything regarding The Book Signing Fight and Katie’s eyes turn black as coal. She won’t even let Ariana finish asking if she wants to share her wagyu beef before she jumps on her for insulting Schwartz. Ariana says, “Well, Schwartz is the one who approved it…” but Katie doesn’t wanna hear it! They leave it at a miscommunication error, but Katie is still fuming. Who can she unleash all this misdirected anger on? Enter Kristen. Perfect. She asks Kristen where she was and she flinches like an abused housewife who didn’t hang the hand towels just so. Kristen admits Carter is swinging by her place to pick up his camera gear* (*sex toys) and Stassi and Katie attack her. How could she give him access to her sanctuary?!?!?! Stassi tells her they might as well get back together. Katie says she’s not allowed to cry to them about Carter anymore and it’s not fair to THEM. Kristen yells it isn’t about them and she’s doing the best she can. But Katie and Stassi tell her she’s too old to be acting this messy and it’s not cute anymore. They only are yelling at her because they love her. Kristen, who has actually been to therapy and knows how to express herself without screaming, says she does not want their kind of “love” and that she was there for Katie when Schwartz was cheating on her. Katie ERUPTS. She knows it’s true but doesn’t want her dirty laundry aired on television. Again. She says, “HOW DARE YOU?” and calls Kristen “miserable in her relationship”. Hello? Pot? Kettle? BLACK? God, this show loves hypocrisy. TO BE CONTINUED.
Next week: Old Man Prosthetics, The Possible Return of DJ James Kennedy and more club drugs!
L8r, Sk8rs.
vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 3: spider-sand
1/24/20
by: Hillary Sussman
The episode opens in the bleakest, most unwelcoming set we’ve seen thus far: Stassi Schroeder’s apartment. The ice blue and white aesthetic represents her frozen heart. Stassi’s brother, Nikolai, the most emotionally intelligent of the cast (which isn’t saying much), is visiting Stassi as is her mom, Dayna, to celebrate Stassi’s book launch. The last we saw of Dayna, she was throwing a fit in a restaurant (like me as a toddler, thought not nearly as adorable), demanding Stassi show her more affection. Dayna, you’re the mom. You don’t get to ask for more affection. She shows you what she’s been taught to show you. You created this monster, now deal with it. Dayna is an asbestos infested building about to collapse because she’s toxic af. Beau is cooking a “secret recipe” for the Schroeder family (my guess is boiled bowties). Nikolai performs emotional labor for all of them and daydreams about heading off to college in Berlin, wearing a beret and reciting Nietzsche to sex club door men. Stassi screams it’s time for Nikolai to spray dry shampoo in her hair and he snaps out of his fantasy. Nikolai and Dayna have read Stassi’s book, and claim they were both triggered by all the sex stuff. Do not make your little brother read about the time you lost your virginity. That’s traumatic. Beau announces he’s been invited to a BOY’S NIGHT because for the first time in his life, he has a group of male friends contractually obligated to film with him. Stassi is going to a walk through at TomTom for her book signing event tomorrow where I’m sure nothing will go wrong!
We head to SUR where Dayna #1 (SPELLED THE SAME AS STASSI’S MOM BTW) and Charli without an E fold napkins and discuss the 2020 presidential race. Just kidding! They discuss the inherent evilness of carbs. Charli says she doesn’t eat pasta because it makes you fat. Is she talking about PASTA or pasta? Because I’m pretty sure a certain kind of PASTA makes you skinny.
Dayna is like, “Who cares about carbs? Didn’t Scheana bully you into being bulimic when you applied for this position?” Assistant Manager of SUR, Danica, appears and asks the girls how they’re getting on. Danica calls Charli, “Scheana’s mini-me” and Charli is PLEASED. Charli hasn’t seen this show. She doesn’t understand that that means she’s going to get matching butterfly tattoos with her mom and unknowingly marry a pill addict. Poor Charli. Dayna is relieved to not be anyone’s mini-me, especially after Danica informs the girls why they are just now meeting her for the first time, i.e., her physical assault suspension. And in this moment I get full body chills because I’m looking at the Ghosts of Season 1 Past. Danica’s rage and readiness to fight are the perfect combination of Tequila Katie and Kristen. Charli’s vacuous eyes and aversion to food in lieu of looking good resembles Scheana and Dayna’s disgust at all of them is pure Stassi. We’ve gone full circle!
Scheana enters and loudly announces, specifically for Dayna’s ears, that she has business to discuss with Max. Dayna leaves since she knows they’re going to talk shit about her anyways and the girls make fun of the fact that Dayna doesn’t wear a bra. Ladies… that’s impressive. Being in your late twenties with tits that stay up on their own is a feat that should be celebrated. Those boobs should be met with applause every time they enter a room. These are also the same women who later in the episode gloat about not wearing underwear at work. I’m all for “free the nipple”, but let’s put a layer of clothing between your labia and my goat cheese balls, yeah? We briefly meet Danica’s (ex???) boyfriend, Brett #2, just long enough for Lisa to order him to stop asking for threesomes in her restaurant. There’s too many Bretts and Daynas on this show. I’m just gonna start giving them generic L.A. kid names. Like Forrest. Or Stella.
Scheana pulls Lisa aside to tattle on Max for calling her “boy crazy” and Lisa is like, “...And??” Scheana claims Max is the one crazy about HER and that he’s sent her pages of texts proclaiming his to love to her. Then Scheana has a full on mental spiral because she’s not actively sleeping with anyone and therefore is depleted of all self-worth. She weeps in Lisa’s arm. As always, Lisa bottles the tears for later. “For the Chilean Sea Bass,” she whispers.
We arrive at perhaps the saddest and most steroid fueled BOY’S NIGHT this side of Santa Monica Boulevard. Jax, Max (New Jax), Brett #1, Tom Sandoval and Beau all sit alone on a tiny bar patio, the L.A. heat beating down on their sunburnt, pre-aged foreheads and in the distance Peter paces around his apartment, wondering if everyone’s hanging out without him? The boys take this time together as an opportunity to rip on Scheana. Max claims she’s obsessed with him and Jax calls her a stage 5 clinger. Roll the footage of Jax season 2 trying to win Stassi back. Max gets a text that Scheana wants to have a chat with him and he tells her to come meet up. As they wait for Sche-Schu, the boys talk spooning. The skinny boys who have most def been to Warped Tour (Max and Sandoval) have a penchant for being the little spoon while Jax is appalled by this lack of masculinity.
As a 27-year-old woman who’s recently been asked to be big spoon, I’m not mad at it. I definitely prefer to be held, but it’s kinda nice holding a human while THEY feel subconscious about letting their stomachs go all the way out.
Sandoval complains about Stassi’s book signing tomorrow and says he knows NOTHING about it. He’s pissed Stassi went over his head because he’s reminded that despite having his name over the door, he only owns 2.5% of the restaurant. Lol. Stassi did nothing wrong here. She asked Lisa and Schwartz because she knew they’d say yes and because she knows Sandoval actively doesn’t like her. Sandoval states that her book signing will have 50-60 people and that he refuses to bartend NO MATTER WHAT. That is a prophecy if I’ve ever heard one. Stassi and Schwartz do a TomTom walkthrough to make sure everything is in order. Schwartz makes sure to state that they’re not charging Stassi for the space because she’s their friend. Which explains why Stassi asked Schwartz and not Sandoval.
Meanwhile, Scheana Schu Schu shows up to BOY’S NIGHT and tells everyone who’s not named Max to take a hike, but not before marking her territory by kissing Brett #1 on both cheeks. She confronts Max about calling her boy crazy and basically disrespecting her. She then goes on to DISMANTLE THE FUCK BOY PATRIARCHY by reading alllll the texts Max has ever sent her. Sweet sweet retribution. Scheana was right. Max WAS obsessed with her. That or he was obsessed with her being his meal ticket to get on this show. Either way. In the texts he calls Scheana a smoke show, which is VERY nineties sitcom of him. Is Max older than he claims? Can we start the rumor that Max is Jax from the future? Scheana calls Max a fuck boy for leading her on and regrets buying him the Apple Watch. Max is in damage control mode and just starts to spew out everything he knows Scheana wants to hear. He apologizes and admits to being a bad person. Scheana asks him to stop sleeping with his staff (SPECIFICALLY Dayna) and Max skirts around the issue by claiming that Dayna is NOT his girlfriend. Scheana seems content with that. For now.
We get a quick cut of Lisa reading Stassi’s book aloud which includes saying things like “FULL BUSH” and “VAGINA”with a British accent. How gauche! C’mon Lisa. You came of age in the 1970’s London club kid crowd. I’m willing to bet you’ve seen hundreds, if not thousands, of bushes.
She’s acting pretty demure for someone who call’s Brittany a pet name for a vagina a.k.a. her little “Kentucky muffin”. We get a short flashback to Brittany and Lisa having lunch where Lisa makes fun of how Brittany pronounces Versailles. Apparently there is a castle in Kentucky also called Versaille where Brittany and Jax plan to wed. Except, unlike the one in France, this one is filled with homophobic priests and KFC potato skins.
Beau enters Stassi’s apartment with her dogs and Stassi discloses that she woke up to a paragraph of rage texts from Tom Sandoval at 2 a.m. Oh, this group and rage texts. As someone who just got in a text fight with their best friend, let me just say CONTEXT CANNOT BE READ THROUH TEXT. Fight in person like adults! Sandoval claims he has JUST found out about Stassi’s book signing today. Mostly, Sandoval wants to make it clear that him and Schwartz will not bartend Stassi’s event for her no matter what. This is purely a status fight. Sandoval doesn’t want to serve princess Stassi and give her anymore ammunition to think she’s better than him. Apparently the staff that was supposed to work the event bailed at the last minute (sounds like TomTom) and Sandoval is blaming Stassi for giving Schwartz even an ounce of responsibility. Sandoval is right in a way. Stassi shouldn’t have gone over his head to Schwartz because Schwartz was bound to buckle under the pressure. Stassi’s confused about what she did wrong since Lisa and Schwartz both said it was alright. TBH she did nothing wrong. It’s just a shitty restaurant that shouldn’t be put in charge of milestone events in peoples’ lives.
My first time at TomTom, it took so long to get a drink, Scheana asked me if I wanted to freeze my eggs while I waited. Then, when I finally did get it, the bartender refused to give me the check or let me start a tab. It wasn’t in a “You’re hot, it’s on us” way either. It was in a, “I forgot you were even here, please leave” way. I could’ve begged and pleaded for a check but they weren’t budging…. and that’s the night I stole a free drink from TomTom! I digress. Stassi is suspicious that James influenced Sandoval since they were partying together during the period of time in which the texts were sent. She knows Sandoval has always hated her, but maybe James gave him the confidence to go the extra mile.
We next head to my favorite 40 minute drama series, “Scheana in Marina”!!
Scheana’s friend Janet has come over to hem her new SUR dress. Since Charli and Danica are still desperate for camera time, they don’t mind trekking all the way to the west side. We learn that Danica’s ex (Brett #2) gave a her an envelope of cash because he feels bad that he MADE her physically assault him causing her to miss work (be suspended). Jesus Christ. Someone download the Better Help app for Brett. Danica admits that this small act of kindness resulted in them sleeping together because on this show an ex-boyfriend is just someone you don’t bring home for the holidays. At some point Charli without an E talks into a banana and I missed why, but it seemed very on brand for her. Scheana tells the girls about her talk with Max. She hopes it will lead to him prioritizing her over Dayna. Oh Scheana, Scheana, Scheana.
Over at SUR, Nathalie (with an H because she’s French), goes over the employee handbook with Brett #1 and Dayna. What I would give to get my paws on that. And not just because it’s Villa Rosa pink. I bet it reads something like this: “Rule #1: Only sleep with your co-workers. Rule #2: Support Laura Leigh’s film career. Rule #3: Plant cocaine in Lisa Rinna’s carry-on bags.” These are Lisa Vanderpump’s minions after all. Dayna and Brett bond over the fact that they’re newbies. Brett tells Dayna he broke up with Scheana in the hopes of getting a little Rule #1 action with her, but Dayna declares he’s been friend-zoned. Yikes. This show never received the memo that there’s no such thing as the friend-zone. Vanderpump Rules continues to prove in new and creative ways that it’s stuck in a higher-dimensional space time continuum where it’s always 2003. Just look at the evidence: Fashion, lingo, ambition… Scheana is basically just a hot pink bejeweled Razr phone.
We head to TomTom, where Schwartz is doing a last minute walk through to make sure everything is looking tight for Stassi’s book signing. Schwartz is a little peeved that Sandoval blamed Stassi for the original bartenders falling through, but he pulled it together. That’s a big win for Schwartz. Stassi, Dayna #2, Nikolai and human Beau-tie, enter and begin to set-up. Stassi is like, “What’s up with your business partner?” And we find out Sandoval has been in the ER all night for… a spider bite! With great hair, comes great responsibility.
Everyone shows up to support Stassi. Notably, Schwartz turns down a shot from Jax which shows extraordinary growth. Or at least that he’s been to one AA meeting since last season. Stassi reads an excerpt from her book and negs Kristen for sleeping with Jax. You know she was only invited to humiliate her. Sandoval and Ariana finally arrive and they’re ready to start some shit! Sandoval has been bitten by a black widow and he’s out for blood. And you know Ariana just wants to watch the world burn. Sandoval is pissed they have bartenders working before the restaurant opens because it’s advertising their slave labor practices and these jokers cannot afford overtime. Katie smells conflict and suddenly appears, telling Tom his texts to Stassi were aggressive. Ariana thinks it’s BS that they didn’t have a proper staff the night before an event and that if Stassi had just gone through Sandy, this could’ve been avoided. Schwartz calls all of them an “echo chamber of negativity” which is absolutely gorgeous. Put that on my tombstone. Katie claims Sandoval can’t STAND Stassi getting attention and Sandoval’s like, “No hon, that’s your mom you’re thinking of”. He then yells that this is HIS restaurant not the Katie Maloney Bar & Grill. Can you imagine anything more depressing? All the servers would have her season 2 orange hair and the special would be a scooped out cantaloupe with cottage cheese.
Stassi FINALLY hears the yelling and comes to investigate. HOW DARE YOU RUIN HER EVENT?! We get shady cross-editing of Stassi season 1 vs. present day Stassi and besides getting a better handle on her Adderall addiction, things haven’t changed a bit! Everyone decides to just leave since nothing’s being resolved and no one wants to be a character in Stassi’s next book.
At SUR, Brett and Dayna are openly flirting in front of Scheana, causing her left eye to twitch and her right nostril to gush blood. Dayna asks to speak to Scheana and pulls her into The Back Alley of SUR Restaurant. She wants to make sure they’re cool and that Max and her can bang freely without worrying if Scheana is going to Midsommar them in their sleep. Scheana says it’s all good but they agree that as long as Max is involved there will be tension. Ugh, Max sucks. Can’t these ladies team up to defeat a common enemy? Call me in two episodes after Dayna’s been Maxed. (That’s Jaxed the sequel).
Speaking of, everyone is packing for Miami for the bachelor/ette party. Sandoval calls Ken and Lisa to tell them about Stassi’s disastrous event and KEN TODD IS PISSED. I love hearing him yell. It adds years to my life.
I’ll never forget when he yelled at James that he’d “knock him spark out.” Sigh. Lisa is angry that ANY yelling happened in front of PAYING customer but then remembers that they didn’t charge Stassi for the event. She decides she has more pressing issues to attend to and it can wait until next episode.
Schwartz heads over to Tom and Ariana’s house to talk about the book signing and brings a folding chair because they have no furniture. Both Tom and Ariana and Tom and Katie’s homes came furnished but since Tom and Ariana have personalities they decided to decorate themselves. Katie is a pre-furnished display at Home Goods posing as a human. Anyway, who needs furniture when you can shoot webs out of your wrists? Sandoval is mad that Stassi yelled at him, humiliating him at his own restaurant. Schwartz is mad Sandoval would refuse to serve Stassi in a pinch and Ariana is mad she doesn’t have a cocktail in her hands. The fight ends with Sandoval declaring that Stassi is BANNED from TomTom.
Coming up next week… topless Miami strippers, Brittany coming to terms with her decision to marry Jax and Stassi bullying Kristen until she kries. See you next week.
vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 2: hell hath no fury like a scheana scorned
1/15/20
by: Hillary Sussman
I’d like to take a moment of silence to dissect the season 8 opening credits. Since 2012 B.B.C. (Before Brittany Cartwright) , the credits have begun with one Katie Maloney’s backside. This year, since essentially NO ONE “works” at SUR, Jax is the only original cast member allowed behind the bar. Stassi, Beau and Britt are forced to spill their drinks on the other side of the velvet rope. Of course, Beau is wearing a “Beau Tie”... Tragic. Dayna has been forced into a silk pocket square handkerchief (or as Lisa calls it “a dress”), Tom Schwartz looks like a young boy about to be Bar Mitzvah-ed, Katie is giving ultimate cleavage and Max is eye-fucking everyone within his peripherals. Ariana pours smoke into glasses, the only calories she doesn’t feel guilty about consuming, and Tom Sandoval, James and Brett are all straddling the lie between rape eyes and dead eyes. Did they superimpose Scheana’s face à la Margot Robbie in I, Tonya or is her botox playing tricks on me? I swear it is frozen in time. Literally. Either way, they did Scheana dirty. Lala blows roses which I’m sure is one of MANY references we’ll get to her blowing things. Doute actually looks hot. Probably the best she’s ever looked in the opening credits. Honestly, she deserves it. For someone who’s done the most self-work and reflection out of the entire cast, Kristen still cannot seem to let go of her toxic friendships (i.e. Katie and Stassi). Meanwhile, Lisa opted out of her signature pink attire in exchange for an LBD beneath a Barnum and Bailey’s inspired glitter CAPE. Moving on.
The episode begins, as always, with some royalty free diddy. Brittany is getting ready for her Boudoir Shoot, a.k.a. her engagement gift to Jax. Can we agree that an engagement gift is not a thing? It’s really her, “thanks for being my meal ticket to my 15 minutes of fame” gift. Even though Brittany does not know how to pronounce boudoir, Stassi and Lala still show up to support her. I forgot how gorgeous Brittany is. Her insane eyebrow arch Botox and boob job are such a distraction from her natural bone structure. Britt hops in a bubble bath in the hopes that these photos will deter Jax from cheating on her for at least their first year of marriage. We’ll see. Brittany is also sporting a tramp stamp of a gigantic cross because she is an oxymoron personified. Stassi says Katie texted her about the Kristen drama from the housewarming party. Katie WOULD interrupt a funeral to try to talk shit about a mutual friend. How Maloney of her. Stassi is pissed drama occurred without her starting it, but she’s down to hop on the “berating Kristen’s life choices” bandwagon. Apparently, Brittany and Jax’s wedding is a month away and Britany doesn’t want any drama (wink, wink, have you seen this show?) happening to distract from her happy day. She lays down the Kentucky law and says if Kristen and Carter are not in an actual relationship then Carter is NOT invited to the bachelor/ette party in Miami.
I love everyone’s open disdain for Carter. He brings NOTHING to the table besides a horrible beard. Speaking of, can we start the rumor that Carter wears a beard weave? He’s giving me Denzel circa ANTM cycle 21 vibes. The scene ends with Lala announcing her and James are friends again and that they’re off to drop some siq beatz in The Studio.
At Villa Rosa, we see a picture that will forever be burned into my memory: Lisa in full Spandex being “trained” by the new SURver, Brett. How he is both a server and her personal trainer are beyond me. They talk about Scheana and Brett admits that he foolishly slept with her and now she won’t leave him alone. Brett’s cheekiness will be rewarded. Lisa loves to hear bout her SURvers’ sex lives and that isn’t sarcasm. Can Lisa please go back to RHOBH so we don’t have to endure these meaningless scenes? Brett wants to be JUST FRIENDS with Scheana and promises Lisa he won’t “shag” her again. Lisa says, “Oh you’ll shag her. Your job… and your life depend on it.”
At Sexy Unique Restaurant & Lounge, Jax is pouring drinks as Peter stalks his latest prey, the latest SURVER, Charli Without an E. Scheana enters with her signature greeting she stole from Daniel Johnston (RIP), “Hi, How Are You?” and is informed she’ll be training Charli, Dayna and Brett. Dayna is dating Scheana’s ex, Max, and no one is as even tempered and understanding as Scheana. What could go wrong? Peter asks Charli if she has a boyfriend and she’s visibly uncomfortable. How did this show make it out of the “Me Too” era unscathed? Scheana pulls a Stassi season 1 and tells Dayna to polish every glass on the patio until they shine like the top of the Chrysler Building. Scheana is clearly only looking out for the brunette new hires. Dayna confronts Scheana and basically asks if they’re good? Scheana overcompensates by saying she DOES NOT CARE that Dayna and Max are dating and that Max is her GOOD FRIEND and that everything is FINE. Nothing is ever fine in Scheana-Land. Poor Dayna. They end it with Scheana insisting, “You do you. You do him. And dust the shelves while you’re at it.”
Lala is at The Studio with her little brother, Easton. As if I didn’t already know they were from Utah, now they throw the name EASTON at us? That’s the Mykenna of boy names. If you don’t understand this reference, please read Amanda’s Bachelor recap. Easton looks like he’s spent the past 4 years living in a basement apartment in Salt Lake City and he feels VERY comfortable rocking a half sleeve tattoo. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Kennedy is in the building. FINALLY.
Lala plays him one of her songs* (*an Alvin and the Chipmunks auto-tune track) and James vows to impress the only black person we will see this season (PREDICTION #1) by jamming along, because he GETS music, man. They kick everyone out of The Studio to have a heart to heart about their friendship. Lala tells James he fucked up and he asks for one example. The editors are jacking off at this point because they get to present us with a to-die-for montage of James body shaming Katie, slut shaming Lala and calling Brittany a hillbilly. I cackled at that one because WHERE’S THE LIE? Brittany is and will always be an Instagram ho. She fucked her way onto this show and should be praised for it, but lest we not forget who she is at her core. Lala and James decide to “squash” it and unblock each other on Instagram. That is the purest form of friendship to these people.
We get a cross-cut of Dayna and Max on a date while Ariana, Scheana and fresh meat #7,869, Danica, go out to lunch. Danica is the assistant manager at SUR and has recently been suspended for PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING her boyfriend during a shift after he suggested they try a threesome. The blind eye these women turn to abuse when it’s a female perpetrator is SO PROBLEMATIC. I mean, the emotional abuse they let Schwartz endure from Katie is bad enough, but now it’s getting physical? If it’s not Stassi slapping Kristen for sleeping with Jax, then, to quote Valerie Cherish, “I don’t wanna see that!”
Scheana unveils her plans to make Dayna’s life a living hell for sleeping with Max. All the girls agree that Max sucks and Danica reveals he’s been telling the girls he sleeps with that he owns part of TomTom. Ariana is NOT having it and is about to go absolutely awwwwffff to Sandoval the minute she returns to their unfurnished home. Dayna and Max are at a very empty restaurant called The Henry. She asks why, if he and Scheana are cool, does she insist on torturing Dayna Miss Hannigan style? Max says they only dated for a month and the reason he ended up dumping her was because she told him she went off birth control and planned to freeze her eggs. JESUS CHRIST, SCHEANA. I respect her transparency, but someone needs to take away her social media and botox for a month until she remembers how humans interact in the real world. Also can we take a moment to ruminate on the fact that Scheana bought him an Apple Watch after ONE MONTH of dating? Can somebody please date Scheana for at least a year, so I can live vicariously through that relationship lifestyle porn?
Max tells Dayna that Katie and Lala really like her and they’re all coming to see her comedy show. If somebody told me Katie Maloney “really liked me” I’d cut and dye my hair in a gas station bathroom and start a new life in Tijuana. Are they trying to make Dayna an amalgamation of all the women on this show? Is this a Frankenstein’s monster scenario? Raquel was malfunctioning so they built another robot and gave her Stassi’s looks, Ariana’s wit, Kristen’s horniness, Lala’s ‘tude and Katie’s style (because let’s face it, Dayna’s not killing it in the fashion department.) It’s revealed Dayna’s mom died her senior year of high school and Max thinks this equals depth. God, Max is one of those guys that says, “You’re not like other girls”, isn’t he? We cut back to lunch and Ariana admits she’s bored af and wants to return to bartending at SUR. But is she willing to bend the knee to Queen Lisa?
Stassi brings Beau his lunch and makes one of her contractual ranch jokes. Lala arrives at Vanderpump Dogs with Lisa and we get a PUPPY MONTAGE. YAY PUPPIES!
Meanwhile, Katie, Brittany, Scheana, Kristen and Ariana have gone to buy tacky wedding dresses for Brittany and Jax’s bachelor/ette party. We head back to Vanderpump Dogs where Lisa is LIVING for the Kristen drama. Lala tells her that all their friends are wrapped up in Kristen’s dysfunctional relationship and every time they complain about it, she calls them bad friends. Sounds pretty toxic. Lisa calls Kristen desperate and says she’s incapable of having a healthy relationship. Lisa is a savage. Kristen and Katie make-up at the dress shop and Brittany puts her cowboy boot clad foot down, declaring that Carter is NOT allowed to come to Miami!
We head to TomTom where Schwartz and Sandoval razz Max for claiming to own part of the TomTom Empire. I KNEW Ariana wouldn’t stand for that. Not after the bullshit Lisa put the three of them through. Max explains that he called it MY bar meaning he managed it, but not that he owned it. Damn, Danica is really reaching. Max reveals he used to have a serious girlfriend but his relationship collapsed like a supernova star once he began working at TomTom. Pretty sure a floundering personal life is a requirement to work at one of the Vanderpump establishments. All the boys agree to go to Dayna’s comedy show, but not before a light “women aren’t funny” neg! Hahahah, this show would’ve been Jerry Louis’ Bible.
Enter: Kyle Chan jewelry designer, the Neil Lane of Vanderpump Rules, who will be making Brittany and Jax’s wedding rings. They show up to try on Brittany’s gigantic rock and Jax complains about their wedding budget, comparing Brittany to Princess Meghan Markle. This is clearly before Meghan and Harry’s Instagram post about becoming “financially independent” from the royal crown. Jax and Brittany talk smack about Kristen and Carter for the thousandth time. They both agree that Beardy will NOT be welcome in Miami for the bachelor/ette party.
Back at SUR, it’s training day # 2 for Dayna and Charli Without an E. Nobody knows where Brett is at this point. Probably railing an eight ball with my favorite character of the whole series, The Back Alley of SUR Restaurant. Scheana quizzes Dayna on the specials but jokes on her because when has the Chilean sea bass ever NOT been a special at SUR? Dayna calls Scheana out for giving her a hard time and Scheana straight up admits that they don’t vibe and she’s not a fan. Scheana really needs to take it easy on the fillers. I can’t tell if she’s mad or manic. Lol, who am I kidding? She’s always manic. At the back bar, Sandoval is pouring drinks just as Ariana arrives. She tells him she’s prepared to bow down to Lisa in order to get her bartending position back. Lisa and Ariana haven’t talked since Ariana publicly called her out for her shady business dealings with Schwartz and Sandoval surrounding TomTom. At least she didn’t call her out for insurance fraud! Yeah, I said it! Brett pulls Scheana into the kitchen to break-up with her and not even her botox can’t conceal the hurt behind her eyes. I’m so glad she has a hot Australian boyfriend now because otherwise I would’ve needed someone to perform a wellness check on her.
Lisa pretends to know how to use an iPhone while Ariana sits down next to her. She asks for her job back, but that will never do. Lisa isn’t going to just GIVE someone their job back. Especially after being publicly humiliated. Rules are rules, and this is Vanderpump Rules. If, and only if, she can crush Ariana mentally, spiritually and emotionally will she consider allowing her to bartend at SUR. After a slight berating from Lisa, Ariana admits she’s in the middle of a depressive episode and has been since moving into her and Sandoval’s new place. As an outspoken advocate for SSRIS, Ariana, gurl, please see a psychiatrist! Or at least DM Goddess Stephanie Hollman. Lisa agrees to think about it and hugs* Ariana (*drains her life force. Remember, Giggy?).
We’ll call this scene, “A Comedy of Terrors”. The bar for comedy has been set excruciatingly low on this show. Remember Tom reading poetry from his middle school diary? Or Kristen showing an audience photos of Jax’s penis? Dayna is doing stand-up at The Federal and Ariana, Sandoval, Schwartz, Max and Lala have all come to support her. Katie didn’t make it because she’s a Maloney. Maloneys never learned how to laugh. During her set, Dayna reveals that her day job is in healthcare sales which is all the evidence I need that SUR is basically a stepping stone for her comedy career. 4th wall meet hammer, because you just got shattered.
Kristen’s apartment is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. And it’s not just because Katie Maloney is standing in the middle of it unapologetically wearing navy and black together. Jax arrives to tell Kristen that her loser boyfriend is NOT invited to Miami. Kristen is in the middle of packing and has to be out of her apartment in two days and she does NOT have time for one of Jax’s ‘roid rages. She decides it’s best to just agree with everything he says. Jax is in awe that Kristen pays for everything and says Carter should get a job! Uber is hiring! Can you imagine the horror and panic of finding out Carter was your Uber driver? He’d be listening to Linkin Park from start to finish. Plus, he’d have those mini water bottles that you’re afraid to try because the seal has already been broken on all of them. Carter arrives at the apartment and Jax feigns his best impersonation of empathy when telling him he’s not invited to Miami. Carter takes it pretty well. He tries to prolong the conversation with Jax but Jax is ready to GTFO before they ask him to help move her flatscreen. The episode ends with Carter hugging and kissing Kristen* (*emotionally manipulating her so he can move into her house and not become an Uber driver).
Coming up next week: Multiple steel cage death matches featuring: Scheana vs. Dayna, Sandoval vs. Stassi and Lisa vs. Millennial Slang. God help us all.
vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 1: welcome back to the hellmouth
1/8/20
by: Hillary Sussman
Welcome back to the hellmouth. The holidays are over, which means it’s time for MY favorite holiday: the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. America’s favorite workplace comedy has returned for its 8th season and despite my promise to leave toxic relationships in 2019, I’m back for more. The show has gone down in quality since it’s season 2 climax, but with fresh meat SURvers, the break-up of the witches of WeHo and Lisa finally acknowledging that almost none of the cast works at SUR anymore, I’m ready to be reeled back in .
The episode opens with Lisa in her trademark pale pink, pussy bow groaning, “I don’t know where to start.” We see a flash of seizure-inducing montages featuring Jax vs. Tom Sandoval, Kristen vs. Everyone and Raquel vs. a functioning frontal lobe. I spy two new cast members right off the bat, Ariana crying in a fedora and, perhaps what will be the pinnacle moment of this season: Brittany resting her veil clad forehead on a pizza box.
The opening credits reveal three newbies: Dayna (Stassi 2.0), Max (my new boyfriend) and Brett (a Youtuber who was scouted and cast to be on this show. Fight me). The cast has grown from the original 7 to a small army, standing guard of their executive producers, Queen Lisa and Prince Harrison atop the Iron Throne. Shout out to Diana, the SUR manager Kristen told to “suck a dick”, a.k.a the only Vanderpump cast member I’ve ever met.
Act I, Scene I: Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz ride their motorbike with attached side car (respectively) down Santa Monica Boulevard and park in front of TomTom Bar. The producers have done an excellent job making caricatures out of them and after 8 seasons, they play the parts well. Dumb and Dumber. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Tom and Tom. We’re introduced to fresh meat # 1, the TomTom general manager, Max. And I’m in love. Sure, he is guaranteed to be an atrocious person by agreeing to be on this show, but damn, those eyes. He’s giving me Max Minghella vibes. I digress. We next meet fresh meat # 2, the host of Tom Tom, Dayna. Dayna is wearing lingerie as a top and no one is questioning it. She is meant to be Stassi 2.0, with a“guy’s girl” edge. Yes, she DID watch the “big game”, she LOVES chicken wings and she DEVOURS Barstool Sports. She has recently been poached by Lisa to be SUR’s latest SURver. Dayna exemplifies how these newbies will be seamlessly integrated into the show by revealing our first piece of draaaaaaama!
Dayna slept with Max last night. She giggles with random TomTom server # 1 and random TomTom server # 2 as she confesses her crime of passion. They’re both Latin(x) so they don’t get chyrons, let alone names. This is a show of white in a sea of white. Remember what they did to Faith? Exactly.
We speed through West Hollywood and arrive at the eye of the storm: SUR Restaurant & Lounge. Raquel checks her new SUR uniform and lipstick in the mirror. Her eyes are emptier than Randall Emmett’s bank account. Scheana ( a.k.a Scha Scha Schu Schu) is “training” a hot new SURver, fresh meat # 3: Brett. Brett looks like he stayed up all night railing eight ball after eight ball. “Perfect,” Scheana thinks, “Just my type.” Scheana drags Brett to the bar where Jason Michael Couchi (a.k.a Jax Taylor) is pretending to make drinks. Jax asks if they’re dating to which Scha Schu replies, “Ummm no!! We just met!” Cut to Brett’s talking head admitting that they have hooked up and that no, Scheana is NOT a good kisser. Well, that’s a record. It only took 2.5 minutes to hate Brett. Men are trash enough, but commenting on a woman’s intimacy skills (yes, kissing is intimacy) is never okay. Also may it be noted he’s wearing multiple silver necklaces. BYE, BRETT.
We’re reminded of Scheana’s season 7 rendez-vous with bar-back, Adam, which ended in her adopting him a baby penguin. She then reveals that she’s also recently ended things with TomTom GM, Max a.k.a Max Minghella. And by “ending things” I mean he ghosted her after she bought him an Apple Watch. Scheana. GIRL. No.
Drink every time there’s an establishing exterior shot. We cut back to TomTom, where Dayna confronts Max in the basement. Remember back in Season 6 when Lisa decided put the servants quarters downstairs to make everyone’s lives just a little bit harder? Dayna wants to keep seeing Max. She insists there is no longer a conflict of interest due to her recent “promotion” to SURver, but Max remains hesitant. I don’t care about this B-Plot. Where is my Doute Duchess?
Back at SUR, Jax is dragging Sandoval for being a bad friend because he hasn’t returned his calls or texts. Jax is probably lying, but for some reason I believe him? Jax is full Bridezilla for his wedding and decides to demote Sandoval from best man to guest, due to his failure to attend a pre-bachelor party, which is most certainly NOT a thing. Choosing to have only Schwartz as your best man is like asking a toddler to help you move. Good luck!
Back at TomTom, we’re introduced to a 4th new character, The Back Alley of TomTom. Tom Schwartz and Tom Sandoval discuss Jax’s pre-bachelor party and him essentially firing Tom from best man. Inside, Stassi and Beau have arrived for dinner at TomTom, definitely by choice and not because they received a call sheet from production. Beau is the human embodiment of a bowtie, and that’s not just because he wore a wooden bowtie in his confessional last season. Stassi is a officially a New York Times best-selling author for her book, Next Level Basic. I will never read this book, but I’m genuinely happy for Stassi. She’s gonna be just fine when this show ends which is more than I can say for a lot of the cast. Stassi and Lisa talk about Stassi’s recently dead grandma. Lisa and Stassi are tight now. Mostly brought together by their hatred of Kristen. Now, that’s friendship. Apparently Kirsten and Carter are “broken up”, but they still live together… and talk everyday… and sleep together. Huh. Sounds ideal tbh. Stassi is convinced Kristen is lying about the break-up and if there’s one thing she HATES, it’s a liar. Re: Season 2.
We head to Stassi’s apartment where we watch her and Beau pack for her grandma’s funeral. Stassi is bummed to be missing Katie and Tom’s housewarming party. Which begs the question: WHO THROWS A PARTY DURING THEIR BEST FRIEND’S GRANDMA’S FUNERAL? Katie Maloney. That’s who. Stassi then pretends to be ~quirky~ for 5 minutes straight. She tells Beau she wants a haunted house theme for her funeral. Stassi, to quote Dwight Schrute, “If you’re dead, Beau has been dead for weeks.”
The entire main cast has bought houses in the Valley, like a fucked up version of Cougartown where they all live on the same cul-de-sac. Honestly, would watch. We see a suburban dystopian shot of Jax mowing the lawn and Brittany stuffing outdoor patio cushions into pillow cases. House by house, the rest of the cast is revealed true to character: Ariana unpacks as Tom Sandoval break dances and Katie hammers nails into the wall while Tom Schwartz whines about his sex life. Sandoval is mad Jax keeps one-upping him about their homes, Schwartz is terrified to be the only best man, and Katie ignores his worries in lieu of talking shit about Kristen and Carter, essentially regurgitating what Stassi has told us.
We head to Villa Rosa, where Lala has just arrived. I can’t help but notice how much her new face resembles Ambyr Childers… just an observation, Rand!
Her and Lisa sit down to discuss how Lala can still be relevant on the show without working at SUR. It’s decided that, as punishment for quitting, she will pick up dog shit at Vanderpump Dogs. And she’ll do it with a smile on her face. Lala is 7 months sober meaning that she has ZERO excuse for the outfit she chooses to wear to Tom and Katie’s housewarming party. But we’ll get there. Can we please put Lala on RHOBH now? As part of her sobriety program, she’s reached out to James to make amends, which I’m happy to hear. There is a serious lack of James in this episode.
Finally, we head to Kristen’s apartment. She has a Friends homage photo frame around her peep hole which is truly one of the darkest things I’ve ever seen. Stassi comes over and basically tells her to stop lying about being broken up with Carter when she’s not. Kristen cries because Carter’s moving out and soon they will actually be broken up for good. As everyone knows, Stassi gains strength from the tears of both her enemies and friends, so she decides to forgive Kristen. They hug and agree to be friends again a.k.a. judge people and get lunch.
Attending a party at Katie and Tom’s apartment should be the next Ari Aster film. There are so many horror movie elements at play: Tom Schwartz in a night gown, willingly drinking Jägermeister, sweating cheddar cheese on a “charcuterie platter” and super soakers filled with tequila.
Lala shows up wearing bike shorts and a fake lip ring. That’s all I have to say about that. Dayna is pulled aside by Peter a.k.a Pirate Pete, who has gotten SWOL since last season. It’s revealed that Dayna was one of the skanks (Stassi’s word, not mine) whom the boys met at Sky Lounge and brought back to their hotel party. Dayna allegedly made out with Peter in the hotel bathroom. What is it with this show and hooking up in bathrooms? It’s happened at least 4 times off the top of my head. Dayna is giving me Kristen Cavallari vibes. I hope she ruins these men.
Scheana Scha Scha Schu Schu arrives with Brett and is the embodiment of cringe. Dayna is visibly jealous of Sche Schu’s chemistry with Max. Kristen tells Jax she’s officially single as Carter arrives with a house plant. Brett and Max commiserate over having both slept with Scheana and earning her unwanted affection. Unfortunately for them, one Katie Maloney is eavesdropping. She can’t resist causing Scheana to cry within minutes of arriving to a party, so she decides to spill the beans. Scheana confronts Max. She is NOT boy crazy! She claims HE pursued HER and Max apologizes and hugs her. Damn, Max is a fuq boi. Through tears, Scheana insists she’s NOT crazy. But unfortunately for her, we have hours of footage that disproves that theory.
Lala and Katie dish about Kristen and Carter’s relationship, or lack there of, and Katie, the ultimate manipulator, convinces Lala to confront Carter about it. Lala doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but Her Man a.k.a. Randall Emmett, so she agrees. Max asks out Dayna, but she’s terrified of getting on Sche Schu’s bad side. Max insists they haven’t hooked up in a long time and he and Scheana are strictly platonic. Dayna knows he’s likely lying to get in her pants, but like a good cast member of Vanderpump Rules, she ignores the red flags.
As ordered, Lala confronts Carter about his intentions with Kristen. She is not a fan of anyone having a sugar daddy or mama,unless it’s her. At least Lala contributes SOMETHING to her relationship. The only thing Carter contributes are pube-like beard hairs all over the bathroom sink. Jax and Sandoval have a heart to heart in the jacuzzi. Jax is wearing a shirt that says “Michigan 1837” which is both the state and the year in which he was born. Tom asks Jax to stop one-upping him by negging his new house and his relationship and Jax asks him to return his texts, which it turns out Tom had been doing been all along! Classic, lying, sociopathic, Jax. You got me! Sandovoal is re-promoted to best man status… for now.
Lala decides Carter is too dumb to have a conversation with and decides to go straight to the source: Kristen. Kristen is pissed Lala has inserted herself into their relationship yet again and Lala is annoyed Kristen keeps calling it “a relationship”. She asks Kristen to complaining about Carter if she’s not gonna do anything about it. Yeah… I’m with Lala’s on this one. Constantly being asked for advice that isn’t going to be taken is frustrating. Lala tells Kristen her “relationship” isn’t working and Kristen accuses her of pulling “the Katie and Stassi card”. Yikes. I’d be PISSED if someone compared me to Katie Maloney. Lala loses it, rightly so, and everyone reacts in character: Brittany plays peace maker, Katie attacks Kristen while saying, “No one’s attacking you, Kristen!”, Schwartz hides from Katie by the pool and Ariana drinks alone in the corner because she doesn’t give a FUCK. The fight ends with Kristen storming out.
Le Fin.
Coming up this season on Vanderpump Rules: We finally see “Money by Monday” Randall Emmett Films, the Toms wear old man make-up, Stassi talks in Gen Z phrases and Sandoval gets arrested. God it’s good to have these narcissists back in my life. See you next week.