vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 10: sham weddings and a funeral
We begin at The Kentucky Castle. In lieu of a rehearsal dinner, Brittany has taken it upon herself to plan a murder mystery dinner and Stassi is climaxing. Having read MANY Yelp reviews for The Kentucky Castle (WHAT? I’M QUARANTINED), apparently the murder mystery dinner leaves something to be desired. I was anxiously awaiting another backdoor pilot to shed some light into the lives of these Versailles, Kentucky community theatre actors. Community theatre is truly the genesis of all bitchy drama. Lala solves the murder and Stassi is internally raging. No worries. She’ll take it out on Kristen in about 2 vodka sodas. Lala’s hair is giving me full 90s rom com vibes and I’m NOT here for it. Brittany’s 2 year old niece steals Stassi’s purse and it’s the last straw (in addition to being trapped in a kitschy hotel room that smells like dog shit). She needs to emotionally explode on someone, but who? Lala and Katie bring up Kristen’s amorphous relationship with Carter and the decision is made. Kristen stumbles over and squats down only to be berated with questions about her non-relationship. She attempts to make a run for it but when Stassi calls her fake, she has no choice but to defend her honor. Stassi, Lala and Katie are like fucked up Greek chorus, echoing negs and emotionally robbing anyone who attempts to thrive. Kristen claims Carter isn’t her BF but he’s her BFF and thus, he deserves to be at the wedding. I really hope Kristen got them matching BFF bracelets from Claire’s to wear along with her fake engagement ring. Kristen claims Stassi is too far u p her own ass to understand that she’s hurting. Where’s the lie? Kristen has given up any hope of Katie being empathetic, but she’s still convinced Stassi may have a morsel of sympathy for her. Brittany comes over to break up the fight and shouts, “LET’S GO TO BELLE’S!” I don’t know what “Belle’s” is but surely it can’t be as interesting as dissecting the demise of this threesome’s 10 year long friendship.
Over at SUR, Trash Brett is walking around being trash. After last week’s episode, he’s become more worthless than the hand soap in the SUR unisex bathroom. Adriana (Max’s ex) claims she’s SO busy she “can’t even”, but not so busy that she can’t spare a moment to gossip. She pulls Dayna aside to show her Max’s latest side chick’s Instagram and she’s wearing THE TOMTOM PRIDE SHIRT (apparently a priceless commodity). Dayna is convinced this means they’re sleeping together and that Max has been cheating on her. I’m not saying Max isn’t a piece of shit, but why are you trusting this girl who straight up told you she has a vendetta against Max? Dayna immediately shuts down and calls Max a fuq boi. BYE MAX!
Back in Lexington, KY, we get a montage of everyone partying in some shitty dive bar. Stassi’s mom is there too, because she wouldn’t miss any opportunity to drink and/or watch her daughter cry, Brittany hates that Jax couldn’t make it tonight. He has decided to stay in to “make his father proud” by not getting hammered. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, JAX?! What is with this virtue signaling you attempt every season? Do you really think the viewers are dumb enough to buy this shit? There’s clearly an ulterior motive. My guess is he stayed in to jack off to the Kentucky Castle ghosts. Back at Belle’s, Lala and Brittany have a contractual scene where they claim they miss Lisa and don’t even know HOW the wedding will go on without her. I’m convinced they’re reading cue cards. In one of Kristen’s best psychotic breaks to date, she confronts Beau. Remember how Kristen loses it every time they go on vacation?
This is one of those times. It must be the break in her daily routine that throws her off the edge, but this entire convo was just… cringe. Beau used to be Kristen’s friend before he started dating Stassi and now she feels abandoned by him in her time of deep, emotional need. Beau is like, “Look, that’s my girlfriend. I have to put her first.” And for once is completely valid! Kristen is crying at this point. She feels it’s her and Carter against the world (toxic) and she just wants her friends to show some empathy. Have you met this group, Kristen? They’re either sociopaths, narcissists or medicated. They do not have the capacity to empathize with you. You chose the wrong inner circle.
The next day, we get some royalty-free Britney Spears inspired bop before heading into The Castle to see a close-up of Jax’s feet. Absolutely not. A small gay man enters carrying an urn* (*a tree stump with a metal covering) with Jax’s dad’s ashes inside. I can’t tell if Jax has mastered the spectrum of human emotions or if he genuinely is touched, but either way, it’s a doozy. Mostly because of the hideous urn. We get a hangover montage of the entire cast and I can smell Tom Schwartz’s farts and Katie’s breath. Apparently, Schwartz got so drunk last night, that he pissed all over the toilet seat. I’m just shocked that’s not a regular activity for Schwartz. Sighhh, I wish I was rooming with Scheana and Kristen. I wanna wear one piece bathing suits and drink mimosa’s while Scheana does my eyebrows! Lala joins them to return the non-white dress she borrowed and asks if Kristen if she’s good. Meanwhile, Beau tells Stassi about his convo with Kristen and she’s pissed Kristen can’t accept their relationship. It’s fair. I mean Stassi SHOULD be the most important girl in Beau’s life, but definitely not the most important thing. Beau doesn’t need to drop all of his friends just because he has a meal ticket* (*girlfriend). Stassi announces that after the wedding, she and Kristen are DONE. DUN DUN DUN.
Jax enters Schwartz and Katie’s hotel room to ask Schwartz to come out and play, only to discover that Katie Maloney is pooping. One of ten of the deadliest natural disasters of 2019. Just as Jax and Schwartz are sneaking out, Katie Alex Mack’s her way under the bathroom door and goes full Babadook stance. It’s haunting and currently in top running to be my 2020 Halloween costume.
Jax and Schwartz go to Stassi’s room to gather Beau, and it’s here we discover that Schwartz and Katie are not legally married. That’s what happens when you put Schwartz in charge of a marriage license. Is that secretly why Jax wants him as Best Man? To upend the wedding and give him a tiny sliver of a path out of this marriage? Time for a… Pool Party Montage!! Peter laying by the pool is a mood. Stassi and Katie talk about her marriage license (or lack thereof) and Katie is surprisingly chill about it. I guess she’s had 2 years to rage out. It’s gotta settle eventually. Lala, Scheana and Ariana discuss James’ attempt at sobriety and willingness to attend an Al-Anon meeting. They’re proud of him and Lala wants to reach out and offer her support. Tonight there will be aFan Meet and Greet at a speakeasy in Lexington. A MEET AND GREET THE WEEKEND OF YOUR WEDDING? I can’t decide whether to be disgusted or impressed. Make that money, Britt. Stassi watches Kristen cozying up to her mother and she’s grossed out. Having a tumultuous relationship with a family member and then having a friend you’re fighting with try to charm them is actually infuriating.
Over at Blonde Dayna’s apartment, she confronts Max about his side chick. Her name’s Olivia and she’s a tiny little thing. Either Max is a really bad liar or he’s on the spectrum. He can’t make eye contact and immediately raises his voice when questioned if he’s cheating on Dayna. Honey, if you wanna be a fuq boi, you’re gonna have to do better than that. Dayna promptly ends their relationship and before Max can tweet the n-word, she gives him back his Corona infected necklace and kicks him out. FINALLY. Now if we could just get Brett and Max on the sidewalk in front of SUR for a public flogging that would be AMAZING.
Back in Kentucky, the gang arrives on a party bus for their Fan Meet and Greet. Randall has finally arrived looking extra thumb-y, as has the QUEEN herself. Lisa Vanderpump. She surprised them all (as I knew she would. This show loves foreshadowing) and revealed herself in the middle of the dance floor wearing a gigantic pink fedora to keep a 3 foot radius between her and the peons. Her mother’s funeral has been delayed and Jax is sooo deep in a k-hole that he can’t tell if he’s tripping. It’s Lexington Gay Pride, which is super ironic considering that Jax and Brittany were about to let a HOMOPHOBIC priest marry them on Pride Weekend (and by ironic I mean sickening). Jax tells Lisa his mom still isn’t invited to the wedding because she’s dead to him and Lisa is like, “Cool, my mom’s actually dead so can we nix the mother talk?”. The rest of the cast is blackout. Schwartz is slurring, Sherri’s make-up is sweating off and Brittany can’t stop screaming that she’s “GETTING MARRIED, Y’ALL!” Stassi breaks the news to Lisa that Schwartz and Katie aren’t legally married and she’s disappointed but not surprised. Also, Stassi is wearing WHITE! What gives?! Does a Meet and Greet not count as a “wedding activity”? This is treason and she should pay the penalty.
Back in L.A., James arrives at TomTom and orders a Coco-Cola because he’s sober and a bit performative. Him and Max, who I’m convinced are JUST now meeting, talk about how the rest of the cast is out of town, They can’t believe Jax is finally getting married. Lol, Max, Jax has no idea who you are (even if you did film a scene together.) Max let’s James in on his and Dayna’s recent break-up and attempts to blame Danica for everything. These two WOULD get along. They both have irrational anger toward women that they wanna hate fuck. Max claims he wants to “86 Dayna” and his restaurant pun burns need to be taken off the menu. James talks about his sobriety and says he’ll do anything to keep Raquel, even if it means driving to downtown L.A., sitting in an old musty church and drinking bad coffee.
Back in Kentucky, Jax and Brittany are laying on a dog piss soaked duvet and neither one makes any attempt to change the sheets. Is this some sort of insight into their daily lives? How do they not have the Corona Virus? We have two more gendered events tonight: A onesie twerk fest for the girls and a binge drinking fugue state for the boys. Jax is a full brown out BEFORE he leaves to join the guys. Brittany told the girls to bring a onesie representing “something that lives in a castle” so Jax’s sister chose a giraffe. Those in-laws are gonna get along so well. The boys are all gathered when Beau arrives dressed in chain mail. His Failed Actor energy is in full force. Who are these nameless groomsmen? Florida coke dealers? They reminisce about Jax’s sheet wall. Blah, Blah, Blah. No one can believe he’s getting married. As the messiness continues, Kristen has gone to the Mariposa dark side and while her brain’s asleep, her boobs will play. Her right breast keeps falling out of her onesie and Stassi and Ariana cry-laugh at this new development. Jax’s blackout has gone from “laying in bed with dog pee” drunk to” eating plain tortillas” drunk. He’s shit faced and Sandoval has to delicately balance the art of begging him to stop drinking while still enabling him enough that he doesn’t lose his Best man position (again). Brittany ends the night with Katie in bed, because she knows she won’t mind the dog piss. The episode ends with a look inside Jax’s mind at a Birth of a Nation filtered montage of his and Britt’s relationship.
Next week: Lance Bass, Raquel wearing a giant bow and Dayna looking exhausted.
This wedding better feature an NSYNC performance.
xoxo