vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 2: hell hath no fury like a scheana scorned
1/15/20
by: Hillary Sussman
I’d like to take a moment of silence to dissect the season 8 opening credits. Since 2012 B.B.C. (Before Brittany Cartwright) , the credits have begun with one Katie Maloney’s backside. This year, since essentially NO ONE “works” at SUR, Jax is the only original cast member allowed behind the bar. Stassi, Beau and Britt are forced to spill their drinks on the other side of the velvet rope. Of course, Beau is wearing a “Beau Tie”... Tragic. Dayna has been forced into a silk pocket square handkerchief (or as Lisa calls it “a dress”), Tom Schwartz looks like a young boy about to be Bar Mitzvah-ed, Katie is giving ultimate cleavage and Max is eye-fucking everyone within his peripherals. Ariana pours smoke into glasses, the only calories she doesn’t feel guilty about consuming, and Tom Sandoval, James and Brett are all straddling the lie between rape eyes and dead eyes. Did they superimpose Scheana’s face à la Margot Robbie in I, Tonya or is her botox playing tricks on me? I swear it is frozen in time. Literally. Either way, they did Scheana dirty. Lala blows roses which I’m sure is one of MANY references we’ll get to her blowing things. Doute actually looks hot. Probably the best she’s ever looked in the opening credits. Honestly, she deserves it. For someone who’s done the most self-work and reflection out of the entire cast, Kristen still cannot seem to let go of her toxic friendships (i.e. Katie and Stassi). Meanwhile, Lisa opted out of her signature pink attire in exchange for an LBD beneath a Barnum and Bailey’s inspired glitter CAPE. Moving on.
The episode begins, as always, with some royalty free diddy. Brittany is getting ready for her Boudoir Shoot, a.k.a. her engagement gift to Jax. Can we agree that an engagement gift is not a thing? It’s really her, “thanks for being my meal ticket to my 15 minutes of fame” gift. Even though Brittany does not know how to pronounce boudoir, Stassi and Lala still show up to support her. I forgot how gorgeous Brittany is. Her insane eyebrow arch Botox and boob job are such a distraction from her natural bone structure. Britt hops in a bubble bath in the hopes that these photos will deter Jax from cheating on her for at least their first year of marriage. We’ll see. Brittany is also sporting a tramp stamp of a gigantic cross because she is an oxymoron personified. Stassi says Katie texted her about the Kristen drama from the housewarming party. Katie WOULD interrupt a funeral to try to talk shit about a mutual friend. How Maloney of her. Stassi is pissed drama occurred without her starting it, but she’s down to hop on the “berating Kristen’s life choices” bandwagon. Apparently, Brittany and Jax’s wedding is a month away and Britany doesn’t want any drama (wink, wink, have you seen this show?) happening to distract from her happy day. She lays down the Kentucky law and says if Kristen and Carter are not in an actual relationship then Carter is NOT invited to the bachelor/ette party in Miami.
I love everyone’s open disdain for Carter. He brings NOTHING to the table besides a horrible beard. Speaking of, can we start the rumor that Carter wears a beard weave? He’s giving me Denzel circa ANTM cycle 21 vibes. The scene ends with Lala announcing her and James are friends again and that they’re off to drop some siq beatz in The Studio.
At Villa Rosa, we see a picture that will forever be burned into my memory: Lisa in full Spandex being “trained” by the new SURver, Brett. How he is both a server and her personal trainer are beyond me. They talk about Scheana and Brett admits that he foolishly slept with her and now she won’t leave him alone. Brett’s cheekiness will be rewarded. Lisa loves to hear bout her SURvers’ sex lives and that isn’t sarcasm. Can Lisa please go back to RHOBH so we don’t have to endure these meaningless scenes? Brett wants to be JUST FRIENDS with Scheana and promises Lisa he won’t “shag” her again. Lisa says, “Oh you’ll shag her. Your job… and your life depend on it.”
At Sexy Unique Restaurant & Lounge, Jax is pouring drinks as Peter stalks his latest prey, the latest SURVER, Charli Without an E. Scheana enters with her signature greeting she stole from Daniel Johnston (RIP), “Hi, How Are You?” and is informed she’ll be training Charli, Dayna and Brett. Dayna is dating Scheana’s ex, Max, and no one is as even tempered and understanding as Scheana. What could go wrong? Peter asks Charli if she has a boyfriend and she’s visibly uncomfortable. How did this show make it out of the “Me Too” era unscathed? Scheana pulls a Stassi season 1 and tells Dayna to polish every glass on the patio until they shine like the top of the Chrysler Building. Scheana is clearly only looking out for the brunette new hires. Dayna confronts Scheana and basically asks if they’re good? Scheana overcompensates by saying she DOES NOT CARE that Dayna and Max are dating and that Max is her GOOD FRIEND and that everything is FINE. Nothing is ever fine in Scheana-Land. Poor Dayna. They end it with Scheana insisting, “You do you. You do him. And dust the shelves while you’re at it.”
Lala is at The Studio with her little brother, Easton. As if I didn’t already know they were from Utah, now they throw the name EASTON at us? That’s the Mykenna of boy names. If you don’t understand this reference, please read Amanda’s Bachelor recap. Easton looks like he’s spent the past 4 years living in a basement apartment in Salt Lake City and he feels VERY comfortable rocking a half sleeve tattoo. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Kennedy is in the building. FINALLY.
Lala plays him one of her songs* (*an Alvin and the Chipmunks auto-tune track) and James vows to impress the only black person we will see this season (PREDICTION #1) by jamming along, because he GETS music, man. They kick everyone out of The Studio to have a heart to heart about their friendship. Lala tells James he fucked up and he asks for one example. The editors are jacking off at this point because they get to present us with a to-die-for montage of James body shaming Katie, slut shaming Lala and calling Brittany a hillbilly. I cackled at that one because WHERE’S THE LIE? Brittany is and will always be an Instagram ho. She fucked her way onto this show and should be praised for it, but lest we not forget who she is at her core. Lala and James decide to “squash” it and unblock each other on Instagram. That is the purest form of friendship to these people.
We get a cross-cut of Dayna and Max on a date while Ariana, Scheana and fresh meat #7,869, Danica, go out to lunch. Danica is the assistant manager at SUR and has recently been suspended for PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING her boyfriend during a shift after he suggested they try a threesome. The blind eye these women turn to abuse when it’s a female perpetrator is SO PROBLEMATIC. I mean, the emotional abuse they let Schwartz endure from Katie is bad enough, but now it’s getting physical? If it’s not Stassi slapping Kristen for sleeping with Jax, then, to quote Valerie Cherish, “I don’t wanna see that!”
Scheana unveils her plans to make Dayna’s life a living hell for sleeping with Max. All the girls agree that Max sucks and Danica reveals he’s been telling the girls he sleeps with that he owns part of TomTom. Ariana is NOT having it and is about to go absolutely awwwwffff to Sandoval the minute she returns to their unfurnished home. Dayna and Max are at a very empty restaurant called The Henry. She asks why, if he and Scheana are cool, does she insist on torturing Dayna Miss Hannigan style? Max says they only dated for a month and the reason he ended up dumping her was because she told him she went off birth control and planned to freeze her eggs. JESUS CHRIST, SCHEANA. I respect her transparency, but someone needs to take away her social media and botox for a month until she remembers how humans interact in the real world. Also can we take a moment to ruminate on the fact that Scheana bought him an Apple Watch after ONE MONTH of dating? Can somebody please date Scheana for at least a year, so I can live vicariously through that relationship lifestyle porn?
Max tells Dayna that Katie and Lala really like her and they’re all coming to see her comedy show. If somebody told me Katie Maloney “really liked me” I’d cut and dye my hair in a gas station bathroom and start a new life in Tijuana. Are they trying to make Dayna an amalgamation of all the women on this show? Is this a Frankenstein’s monster scenario? Raquel was malfunctioning so they built another robot and gave her Stassi’s looks, Ariana’s wit, Kristen’s horniness, Lala’s ‘tude and Katie’s style (because let’s face it, Dayna’s not killing it in the fashion department.) It’s revealed Dayna’s mom died her senior year of high school and Max thinks this equals depth. God, Max is one of those guys that says, “You’re not like other girls”, isn’t he? We cut back to lunch and Ariana admits she’s bored af and wants to return to bartending at SUR. But is she willing to bend the knee to Queen Lisa?
Stassi brings Beau his lunch and makes one of her contractual ranch jokes. Lala arrives at Vanderpump Dogs with Lisa and we get a PUPPY MONTAGE. YAY PUPPIES!
Meanwhile, Katie, Brittany, Scheana, Kristen and Ariana have gone to buy tacky wedding dresses for Brittany and Jax’s bachelor/ette party. We head back to Vanderpump Dogs where Lisa is LIVING for the Kristen drama. Lala tells her that all their friends are wrapped up in Kristen’s dysfunctional relationship and every time they complain about it, she calls them bad friends. Sounds pretty toxic. Lisa calls Kristen desperate and says she’s incapable of having a healthy relationship. Lisa is a savage. Kristen and Katie make-up at the dress shop and Brittany puts her cowboy boot clad foot down, declaring that Carter is NOT allowed to come to Miami!
We head to TomTom where Schwartz and Sandoval razz Max for claiming to own part of the TomTom Empire. I KNEW Ariana wouldn’t stand for that. Not after the bullshit Lisa put the three of them through. Max explains that he called it MY bar meaning he managed it, but not that he owned it. Damn, Danica is really reaching. Max reveals he used to have a serious girlfriend but his relationship collapsed like a supernova star once he began working at TomTom. Pretty sure a floundering personal life is a requirement to work at one of the Vanderpump establishments. All the boys agree to go to Dayna’s comedy show, but not before a light “women aren’t funny” neg! Hahahah, this show would’ve been Jerry Louis’ Bible.
Enter: Kyle Chan jewelry designer, the Neil Lane of Vanderpump Rules, who will be making Brittany and Jax’s wedding rings. They show up to try on Brittany’s gigantic rock and Jax complains about their wedding budget, comparing Brittany to Princess Meghan Markle. This is clearly before Meghan and Harry’s Instagram post about becoming “financially independent” from the royal crown. Jax and Brittany talk smack about Kristen and Carter for the thousandth time. They both agree that Beardy will NOT be welcome in Miami for the bachelor/ette party.
Back at SUR, it’s training day # 2 for Dayna and Charli Without an E. Nobody knows where Brett is at this point. Probably railing an eight ball with my favorite character of the whole series, The Back Alley of SUR Restaurant. Scheana quizzes Dayna on the specials but jokes on her because when has the Chilean sea bass ever NOT been a special at SUR? Dayna calls Scheana out for giving her a hard time and Scheana straight up admits that they don’t vibe and she’s not a fan. Scheana really needs to take it easy on the fillers. I can’t tell if she’s mad or manic. Lol, who am I kidding? She’s always manic. At the back bar, Sandoval is pouring drinks just as Ariana arrives. She tells him she’s prepared to bow down to Lisa in order to get her bartending position back. Lisa and Ariana haven’t talked since Ariana publicly called her out for her shady business dealings with Schwartz and Sandoval surrounding TomTom. At least she didn’t call her out for insurance fraud! Yeah, I said it! Brett pulls Scheana into the kitchen to break-up with her and not even her botox can’t conceal the hurt behind her eyes. I’m so glad she has a hot Australian boyfriend now because otherwise I would’ve needed someone to perform a wellness check on her.
Lisa pretends to know how to use an iPhone while Ariana sits down next to her. She asks for her job back, but that will never do. Lisa isn’t going to just GIVE someone their job back. Especially after being publicly humiliated. Rules are rules, and this is Vanderpump Rules. If, and only if, she can crush Ariana mentally, spiritually and emotionally will she consider allowing her to bartend at SUR. After a slight berating from Lisa, Ariana admits she’s in the middle of a depressive episode and has been since moving into her and Sandoval’s new place. As an outspoken advocate for SSRIS, Ariana, gurl, please see a psychiatrist! Or at least DM Goddess Stephanie Hollman. Lisa agrees to think about it and hugs* Ariana (*drains her life force. Remember, Giggy?).
We’ll call this scene, “A Comedy of Terrors”. The bar for comedy has been set excruciatingly low on this show. Remember Tom reading poetry from his middle school diary? Or Kristen showing an audience photos of Jax’s penis? Dayna is doing stand-up at The Federal and Ariana, Sandoval, Schwartz, Max and Lala have all come to support her. Katie didn’t make it because she’s a Maloney. Maloneys never learned how to laugh. During her set, Dayna reveals that her day job is in healthcare sales which is all the evidence I need that SUR is basically a stepping stone for her comedy career. 4th wall meet hammer, because you just got shattered.
Kristen’s apartment is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. And it’s not just because Katie Maloney is standing in the middle of it unapologetically wearing navy and black together. Jax arrives to tell Kristen that her loser boyfriend is NOT invited to Miami. Kristen is in the middle of packing and has to be out of her apartment in two days and she does NOT have time for one of Jax’s ‘roid rages. She decides it’s best to just agree with everything he says. Jax is in awe that Kristen pays for everything and says Carter should get a job! Uber is hiring! Can you imagine the horror and panic of finding out Carter was your Uber driver? He’d be listening to Linkin Park from start to finish. Plus, he’d have those mini water bottles that you’re afraid to try because the seal has already been broken on all of them. Carter arrives at the apartment and Jax feigns his best impersonation of empathy when telling him he’s not invited to Miami. Carter takes it pretty well. He tries to prolong the conversation with Jax but Jax is ready to GTFO before they ask him to help move her flatscreen. The episode ends with Carter hugging and kissing Kristen* (*emotionally manipulating her so he can move into her house and not become an Uber driver).
Coming up next week: Multiple steel cage death matches featuring: Scheana vs. Dayna, Sandoval vs. Stassi and Lisa vs. Millennial Slang. God help us all.