vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 1: welcome back to the hellmouth
1/8/20
by: Hillary Sussman
Welcome back to the hellmouth. The holidays are over, which means it’s time for MY favorite holiday: the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. America’s favorite workplace comedy has returned for its 8th season and despite my promise to leave toxic relationships in 2019, I’m back for more. The show has gone down in quality since it’s season 2 climax, but with fresh meat SURvers, the break-up of the witches of WeHo and Lisa finally acknowledging that almost none of the cast works at SUR anymore, I’m ready to be reeled back in .
The episode opens with Lisa in her trademark pale pink, pussy bow groaning, “I don’t know where to start.” We see a flash of seizure-inducing montages featuring Jax vs. Tom Sandoval, Kristen vs. Everyone and Raquel vs. a functioning frontal lobe. I spy two new cast members right off the bat, Ariana crying in a fedora and, perhaps what will be the pinnacle moment of this season: Brittany resting her veil clad forehead on a pizza box.
The opening credits reveal three newbies: Dayna (Stassi 2.0), Max (my new boyfriend) and Brett (a Youtuber who was scouted and cast to be on this show. Fight me). The cast has grown from the original 7 to a small army, standing guard of their executive producers, Queen Lisa and Prince Harrison atop the Iron Throne. Shout out to Diana, the SUR manager Kristen told to “suck a dick”, a.k.a the only Vanderpump cast member I’ve ever met.
Act I, Scene I: Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz ride their motorbike with attached side car (respectively) down Santa Monica Boulevard and park in front of TomTom Bar. The producers have done an excellent job making caricatures out of them and after 8 seasons, they play the parts well. Dumb and Dumber. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Tom and Tom. We’re introduced to fresh meat # 1, the TomTom general manager, Max. And I’m in love. Sure, he is guaranteed to be an atrocious person by agreeing to be on this show, but damn, those eyes. He’s giving me Max Minghella vibes. I digress. We next meet fresh meat # 2, the host of Tom Tom, Dayna. Dayna is wearing lingerie as a top and no one is questioning it. She is meant to be Stassi 2.0, with a“guy’s girl” edge. Yes, she DID watch the “big game”, she LOVES chicken wings and she DEVOURS Barstool Sports. She has recently been poached by Lisa to be SUR’s latest SURver. Dayna exemplifies how these newbies will be seamlessly integrated into the show by revealing our first piece of draaaaaaama!
Dayna slept with Max last night. She giggles with random TomTom server # 1 and random TomTom server # 2 as she confesses her crime of passion. They’re both Latin(x) so they don’t get chyrons, let alone names. This is a show of white in a sea of white. Remember what they did to Faith? Exactly.
We speed through West Hollywood and arrive at the eye of the storm: SUR Restaurant & Lounge. Raquel checks her new SUR uniform and lipstick in the mirror. Her eyes are emptier than Randall Emmett’s bank account. Scheana ( a.k.a Scha Scha Schu Schu) is “training” a hot new SURver, fresh meat # 3: Brett. Brett looks like he stayed up all night railing eight ball after eight ball. “Perfect,” Scheana thinks, “Just my type.” Scheana drags Brett to the bar where Jason Michael Couchi (a.k.a Jax Taylor) is pretending to make drinks. Jax asks if they’re dating to which Scha Schu replies, “Ummm no!! We just met!” Cut to Brett’s talking head admitting that they have hooked up and that no, Scheana is NOT a good kisser. Well, that’s a record. It only took 2.5 minutes to hate Brett. Men are trash enough, but commenting on a woman’s intimacy skills (yes, kissing is intimacy) is never okay. Also may it be noted he’s wearing multiple silver necklaces. BYE, BRETT.
We’re reminded of Scheana’s season 7 rendez-vous with bar-back, Adam, which ended in her adopting him a baby penguin. She then reveals that she’s also recently ended things with TomTom GM, Max a.k.a Max Minghella. And by “ending things” I mean he ghosted her after she bought him an Apple Watch. Scheana. GIRL. No.
Drink every time there’s an establishing exterior shot. We cut back to TomTom, where Dayna confronts Max in the basement. Remember back in Season 6 when Lisa decided put the servants quarters downstairs to make everyone’s lives just a little bit harder? Dayna wants to keep seeing Max. She insists there is no longer a conflict of interest due to her recent “promotion” to SURver, but Max remains hesitant. I don’t care about this B-Plot. Where is my Doute Duchess?
Back at SUR, Jax is dragging Sandoval for being a bad friend because he hasn’t returned his calls or texts. Jax is probably lying, but for some reason I believe him? Jax is full Bridezilla for his wedding and decides to demote Sandoval from best man to guest, due to his failure to attend a pre-bachelor party, which is most certainly NOT a thing. Choosing to have only Schwartz as your best man is like asking a toddler to help you move. Good luck!
Back at TomTom, we’re introduced to a 4th new character, The Back Alley of TomTom. Tom Schwartz and Tom Sandoval discuss Jax’s pre-bachelor party and him essentially firing Tom from best man. Inside, Stassi and Beau have arrived for dinner at TomTom, definitely by choice and not because they received a call sheet from production. Beau is the human embodiment of a bowtie, and that’s not just because he wore a wooden bowtie in his confessional last season. Stassi is a officially a New York Times best-selling author for her book, Next Level Basic. I will never read this book, but I’m genuinely happy for Stassi. She’s gonna be just fine when this show ends which is more than I can say for a lot of the cast. Stassi and Lisa talk about Stassi’s recently dead grandma. Lisa and Stassi are tight now. Mostly brought together by their hatred of Kristen. Now, that’s friendship. Apparently Kirsten and Carter are “broken up”, but they still live together… and talk everyday… and sleep together. Huh. Sounds ideal tbh. Stassi is convinced Kristen is lying about the break-up and if there’s one thing she HATES, it’s a liar. Re: Season 2.
We head to Stassi’s apartment where we watch her and Beau pack for her grandma’s funeral. Stassi is bummed to be missing Katie and Tom’s housewarming party. Which begs the question: WHO THROWS A PARTY DURING THEIR BEST FRIEND’S GRANDMA’S FUNERAL? Katie Maloney. That’s who. Stassi then pretends to be ~quirky~ for 5 minutes straight. She tells Beau she wants a haunted house theme for her funeral. Stassi, to quote Dwight Schrute, “If you’re dead, Beau has been dead for weeks.”
The entire main cast has bought houses in the Valley, like a fucked up version of Cougartown where they all live on the same cul-de-sac. Honestly, would watch. We see a suburban dystopian shot of Jax mowing the lawn and Brittany stuffing outdoor patio cushions into pillow cases. House by house, the rest of the cast is revealed true to character: Ariana unpacks as Tom Sandoval break dances and Katie hammers nails into the wall while Tom Schwartz whines about his sex life. Sandoval is mad Jax keeps one-upping him about their homes, Schwartz is terrified to be the only best man, and Katie ignores his worries in lieu of talking shit about Kristen and Carter, essentially regurgitating what Stassi has told us.
We head to Villa Rosa, where Lala has just arrived. I can’t help but notice how much her new face resembles Ambyr Childers… just an observation, Rand!
Her and Lisa sit down to discuss how Lala can still be relevant on the show without working at SUR. It’s decided that, as punishment for quitting, she will pick up dog shit at Vanderpump Dogs. And she’ll do it with a smile on her face. Lala is 7 months sober meaning that she has ZERO excuse for the outfit she chooses to wear to Tom and Katie’s housewarming party. But we’ll get there. Can we please put Lala on RHOBH now? As part of her sobriety program, she’s reached out to James to make amends, which I’m happy to hear. There is a serious lack of James in this episode.
Finally, we head to Kristen’s apartment. She has a Friends homage photo frame around her peep hole which is truly one of the darkest things I’ve ever seen. Stassi comes over and basically tells her to stop lying about being broken up with Carter when she’s not. Kristen cries because Carter’s moving out and soon they will actually be broken up for good. As everyone knows, Stassi gains strength from the tears of both her enemies and friends, so she decides to forgive Kristen. They hug and agree to be friends again a.k.a. judge people and get lunch.
Attending a party at Katie and Tom’s apartment should be the next Ari Aster film. There are so many horror movie elements at play: Tom Schwartz in a night gown, willingly drinking Jägermeister, sweating cheddar cheese on a “charcuterie platter” and super soakers filled with tequila.
Lala shows up wearing bike shorts and a fake lip ring. That’s all I have to say about that. Dayna is pulled aside by Peter a.k.a Pirate Pete, who has gotten SWOL since last season. It’s revealed that Dayna was one of the skanks (Stassi’s word, not mine) whom the boys met at Sky Lounge and brought back to their hotel party. Dayna allegedly made out with Peter in the hotel bathroom. What is it with this show and hooking up in bathrooms? It’s happened at least 4 times off the top of my head. Dayna is giving me Kristen Cavallari vibes. I hope she ruins these men.
Scheana Scha Scha Schu Schu arrives with Brett and is the embodiment of cringe. Dayna is visibly jealous of Sche Schu’s chemistry with Max. Kristen tells Jax she’s officially single as Carter arrives with a house plant. Brett and Max commiserate over having both slept with Scheana and earning her unwanted affection. Unfortunately for them, one Katie Maloney is eavesdropping. She can’t resist causing Scheana to cry within minutes of arriving to a party, so she decides to spill the beans. Scheana confronts Max. She is NOT boy crazy! She claims HE pursued HER and Max apologizes and hugs her. Damn, Max is a fuq boi. Through tears, Scheana insists she’s NOT crazy. But unfortunately for her, we have hours of footage that disproves that theory.
Lala and Katie dish about Kristen and Carter’s relationship, or lack there of, and Katie, the ultimate manipulator, convinces Lala to confront Carter about it. Lala doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but Her Man a.k.a. Randall Emmett, so she agrees. Max asks out Dayna, but she’s terrified of getting on Sche Schu’s bad side. Max insists they haven’t hooked up in a long time and he and Scheana are strictly platonic. Dayna knows he’s likely lying to get in her pants, but like a good cast member of Vanderpump Rules, she ignores the red flags.
As ordered, Lala confronts Carter about his intentions with Kristen. She is not a fan of anyone having a sugar daddy or mama,unless it’s her. At least Lala contributes SOMETHING to her relationship. The only thing Carter contributes are pube-like beard hairs all over the bathroom sink. Jax and Sandoval have a heart to heart in the jacuzzi. Jax is wearing a shirt that says “Michigan 1837” which is both the state and the year in which he was born. Tom asks Jax to stop one-upping him by negging his new house and his relationship and Jax asks him to return his texts, which it turns out Tom had been doing been all along! Classic, lying, sociopathic, Jax. You got me! Sandovoal is re-promoted to best man status… for now.
Lala decides Carter is too dumb to have a conversation with and decides to go straight to the source: Kristen. Kristen is pissed Lala has inserted herself into their relationship yet again and Lala is annoyed Kristen keeps calling it “a relationship”. She asks Kristen to complaining about Carter if she’s not gonna do anything about it. Yeah… I’m with Lala’s on this one. Constantly being asked for advice that isn’t going to be taken is frustrating. Lala tells Kristen her “relationship” isn’t working and Kristen accuses her of pulling “the Katie and Stassi card”. Yikes. I’d be PISSED if someone compared me to Katie Maloney. Lala loses it, rightly so, and everyone reacts in character: Brittany plays peace maker, Katie attacks Kristen while saying, “No one’s attacking you, Kristen!”, Schwartz hides from Katie by the pool and Ariana drinks alone in the corner because she doesn’t give a FUCK. The fight ends with Kristen storming out.
Le Fin.
Coming up this season on Vanderpump Rules: We finally see “Money by Monday” Randall Emmett Films, the Toms wear old man make-up, Stassi talks in Gen Z phrases and Sandoval gets arrested. God it’s good to have these narcissists back in my life. See you next week.