vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 5: a coven divided
The episode opens with the continuation of the Miami fight. Stassi and Katie scream at Kristen in the middle of a 4 star restaurant for “lying” to them about her relationship with Carter. Kristen has had it and brings up how she was there for them when both Schwartzy and Patrick cheated on them a.k.a. ANTM’s Laura James’ only true claim to fame.
Katie has HAD it with being humiliated on television season after season. Just kidding! She lacks the self-awareness. If she had one ounce of it she would’ve broken up with Schwartz after he dumped a drink on her head in Mexico in Season 2. Katie screeches and screams and blames Kristen for bringing up an emotional trauma that she’s worked hard to compartmentalize and never think of again. Stassi has a different approach. She makes Kristen question her abilities as a friend, essentially releasing a sleeper agent of psychological torment to store itself inside Kristen’s frontal lobe and detonate at the exact right moment. Brittany begs and pleads for them to stop fighting at HER bachelorette party because she wants just one storyline that revolves around her and doesn’t include Jax sticking his tongue down another woman’s throat. Kristen apologizes for the poor timing. She never wants to make Brittany, her one true love, upset. Brittany is like, “Let’s go to the strip club and help underprivileged girls pay for their nursing degrees.” Kristen, being the only cast member to go through therapy and not film it, realizes her mistake and politely asks Katie if they can continue the conversation at a later time. Katie can’t handle logic and the veins in her forehead bulge as she squawks, “SHUT UP! DON’T TALK TO ME.”
We cut back to the hotel where all the Bachelors have to decided to be ~quirky~ af. For Schwartz’s bachelor party in Season 5, they dressed as drag queens and Jax refuses to be one-upped. He demands they dress as old men. Sandoval continues to pledge his loyalty as best man (love that Schwartz has done jack shit and still holds a title) and hires local Miami movie quality make-up artists to glue prosthetics onto their faces. WHERE IS PETER BTW?!?! Each guy has developed an alternate persona for the night, but none of them are Yiddish so I DON’T CARE. This is wonderful exposure therapy for Jax since his greatest fear is growing old and losing his looks. The guys plan to show up at the strip club and hit on the Bachelorettes to see if anyone recognizes them. Before leaving the make-up artists warn the boys not to take off any make-up themselves and, regardless of how late they get back, to PLEASE call them to take it off. FORESHADOWING.
In contractual SUR scene #1, Lisa tells assistant manager Danica that she’s receiving a Hollywood Legacy Award (vague) and that it’s a HUGE DEAL. She also states Danica will be the only manager working SUR during Pride, as Peter will be in the parade. I would rather see a goat cheese ball than Peter on the SUR Pride Parade float tbh. Danica just graduated from college 30 seconds ago, but insists she will have everything under control and that Lisa has no cause for concern. Lol. Danica, Lisa is only at ease when she’s received an insurance payout for setting one of her restaurants on fire.
Back in Miami, the bachelorettes arrive at E11even, a strip club with a floor so sticky, you can’t stand in the same place for longer than a minute without getting stuck, and we get a CLUBBING MONTAGE!
Brittany is wearing a butterfly, cow print, two piece dress she saw in an Instagram targeted ad because it heard she was from Kentucky, y’all. Ariana is making it rain instead of using her money to furnish her new home. The boys arrive and enter Da Clerrrrb. Jax is wheeling an oxygen tank filled with nitrous oxide. Katie spots the boys from a mile away and immediately identifies them. Ariana is appalled, but mostly turned on. Her and Sandy are def sleeping together tonight. Katie takes this opportunity to tell Schwartz that Kristen is CUT. Who do you think you are? The director from A Chorus Line? Andy Cohen FaceTiming Vicki Gunvalson? You do not have the authority to CUT anyone, Katie Maloney! She further states that Schwartz isn’t allowed to be friends with Sandoval and/or Ariana anymore because they’re trying to blame him for the Book Signing Fight. Katie, GO HOME. First of all, your timing is horrible. Second, the Toms’ friendship will always be more important than your relationship and your multiple attempts to destroy that is pathetic. And third, we know you’re jealous of Ariana because you think Schwartz is in love with her. Divorce him and go to therapy and you’ll be much happier, boo. She insists Sandy thinks he’s above Schwartz. The psychological abuse/manipulation is REAL.
Over at TomTom, we get a Vanderpump Vodka plug and another harbinger from Lisa that Pride will be a shit show. Max (Racist #1), will be the only TomTom manager on call. Lisa’s toes are tingling at the thought of a new rivalry between employees and she plants the seeds. She tells Max that Danica will be the only SUR manager working that day since she insisted she could handle it. Max is doubtful and voices his concerns. But most importantly, we learn James will be DJing at TomTom for Pride!
Max is willing to take ANY AND ALL blame should anything happen with James. MORE FORESHADOWING. Lisa says James is not allowed to drink one sip of alcohol. She knows Max has underestimated his’ temper and cannot WAIT for shit to hit the fan.
In our contractual SUR scene #2, Danica and Dayna chat in the garden about Max. Danica is “concerned” about their relationship because Max previously dated her friend Adriana, who happens to be working tonight, and treated her like garbage. He allegedly ghosted Adriana after sleeping with her best friend on her 30th Birthday. GOOD LAWD. Dayna is like, “Cool. I can handle myself and if anyone’s gonna be treated like garbage it’s gonna be Max.”
Dayna knows this whole convo is BS and Danica is absolutely NOT looking out for her. Dayna gives her permission to say “I told you so.” Danica begrudgingly agrees and heads to the kitchen to deliver some crispy chicken.
Back in Miami, it’s 4 a.m. Everyone is blackout drunk and nothing hurts. It’s revealed that all the Bachelors are wearing old man underwear, a.k.a. tightie whities. As predicted, Scheana and Peter fight over the bathroom mirror. Kristen spills the tea to Jax about Katie being a monster earlier in the night and Jax, who is fully in the middle of a coke binge, tells her not to worry about it. God their friendship has come so far. Ariana warns Sandy about her fight with Katie, as she knows it’s likely gotten back to Schwartz by now. She wants it squashed! She says their issues have nothing to do with Stassi OR her horrible book. It’s about the Toms and their communication problems. The Toms get together to talk things out and Sandy does everything humanly possible to get out of apologizing. The editors gift us with a glorious montage of Sandy throughout the years saying “Sorry, but…” Is this the new, “But um”? The Toms eventually hug it out after a brief screaming match and agree Schwartz is too passive while Sandy is too hung up on the minor details. Ariana gets in on the hug action and I’m into it. When will this threesome happen? The fans are basically begging for it.
The next morning we get a hangover montage so authentic that just watching it will generate eye crust and a sinus headache. Kristen ambles mindlessly around her hotel room as she cracks open a White Claw.
Schwartz dons another nightgown and Jax literally takes a look at himself in the mirror (because there’s a mirror on the ceiling over the bed. LOL). The boys are still in their old man make-up. Beau is stuck with an Old Western sheriff mustache because he forgot his beard trimmer at home and Stassi refuses to sleep with him for the rest of the trip. Brittany texts the make-up artists to COME QUICK, because she can’t stand looking into the face of the future she’s agreed to be a part of. Katie tells Schwartz she’s “taking a break” from Kristen, because this show only talks in Friends euphemisms. Kristen knows after last night that Katie has disowned her, but she’s hoping Stassi will be more reasonable. Yeah. That sounds like Stassi.
The guys, still in make-up, convene in Ariana and Sandy’s room and Ariana wakes up to 4 geezers standing around her bed. It’s VERY Rosemary’s Baby. The Bachelors tear off their wigs, against direct orders from the make-up artists, and, like a psychopath on PCP, Jax uses a butter knife to rip open his (fake) skin. The make-up artists arrive at the hotel room and, from their faces, I’d guess they were witnessing the aftermath of a mass serial killing spree. I love when normal humans are forced to interact with this cast. Most of the girls (and Peter) head to the beach and we get the gift of Lala’s butt. Katie wants to gossip about her fight with Kristen but Brittany is over this weekend not being about her and Jax. She claims she’s done with this drama (pronounced like Dramamine). The rest of the boys plus Kristen and Scheana are at the poolside cabana. Kristen and Scheana dissect last night’s fight. Kristen claims she would take a bullet for Katie and doesn’t feel it would be reciprocated. Lala tells Katie that the way she spoke to Kristen was abysmal and if she can talk to her that way, their friendship is v v toxic. Have you seen this show, Lauren? Stassi is more patient than Katie and doesn’t love that they’re talking shit about their close friend. Scheana tells Kristen she thinks her and Katie have outgrown each other. YES. Protect Scheana at all costs. For every ten Kinkos poster montages from Scheana, we also get one truly insightful nugget of knowledge that she’s garnered from being bullied on this show for eight seasons straight.
Back in West Hollywood, we head to Dayna’s apartment, which is so vacant, if it wasn’t for her pet cat, I’d guess she was squatting there. Max has come over to quiz her on the SUR menu which I remind our readers includes A WARM POTATO SALAD. Love that this show is refusing to acknowledge the famous food poisoning incident of 2019. Dayna shares Danica’s concerns with him. Max claims it’s all lies and that Adriana was just a booty call to him. It meant NOTHING, and apparently she knew that, so he doesn’t feel bad about ghosting her. That’s because he’s a sociopath. I bet he wouldn’t feel bad about hitting a puppy with his car. He certainly doesn’t feel bad about getting a high fade and buttoning his shirt all the way to the top like it’s 2013. Dayna chooses to believe Max over Danica because she’s a guy’s girl. Max has her in an “us against the world” type of destructive mindset and convinces her everyone just wants them to break-up. At the end of the day, I think Dayna can take care of herself and is probably pretty smart compared to the rest of the cast. However, hooking up with Max makes her look like a big old DING DONG DUNCE.
In Miami, everyone is getting ready for their night out. We get another bathroom mirror fight from Scheana and Peter and Schwartz is petitioning for no more strip clubs as he tosses his old man underwear right in Katie’s face. Classic Bubba move!
Contractual SUR scene #3 opens with a goat cheese ball close-up over a bed of julienned carrots. Raquel is back after her annual tune-up and she delivers espresso martinis after pronouncing them the wrong way. Danica and Dayna chat near the host stand. Dayna tells her she has confronted Max about the Adriana issue and they’re all good. Danica is pissed her attempts to break them up didn’t work and heads back to the drawing board.
In Miami, we’re at Hyde for one last night of debauchery. Stassi is wearing a white button down as a dress because she thinks she’s Rachel Zoe. Brittany is sad Kristen and Katie are still fighting. She understands Kristen and Carter because she and Jax have had their own tumultuous relationship. She claims people look up to her and Jax as a couple.
Then, in what I can only imagine was thought up through an acid flashback fever dream curated by Shia LaBeouf, the VIP hosts bring out two GIGANTIC cut out heads of Jax and Brittany. I am never sleeping again.
Back at SUR, Lisa arrives with dogs & co. for her post award celebratory dinner. She was awarded for her “efforts” in the LGBTQIA community. What efforts? REMEMBER WHAT SHE DID TO BILLIE LEE??? She sits down in Dayna’s section and is ready to quiz her on the menu. I can only describe the SUR menu as “old British lady” chic. There’s an entire section dedicated to “fine tea”. One of the appetizers is “tuna couscous” and you can order a side of BOTH sweet peas AND snap peas. Why…? Regardless, Dayna nails it and Lisa is impressed. She’s found a new youthful soul to torment, she’s won an award, and a Pomeranian is sitting in her lap. Life is good! We find out Brett is working security for Pride next week and Ken negs and body shames him at the same time. Ken is a savage! Max arrives at SUR to pick Dayna up and him and Raquel celebrate The Return of DJ James Kennedy.
Back in Miami, Kristen and Stassi sit down to chat. Kristen gives her signature blackout drunk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Stassi is frustrated with her for lying about Carter but Kristen says her break-up doesn’t have to work for Stassi. That’s not her job as a friend. Stassi says she doesn’t like Carter but she loves Kristen and will be there for her regardless of who she’s dating and nothing will ever change that. It is surprisingly sweet and sincere and completely out of character for Stassi. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Brittany screams “This the best bachelorette party EVER!!” and jumps in a pool fully clothed with a bunch of no names from her bridal party.
Next week we’ll see: PRIDE PARADE, James’ sobriety being tested and Scheana getting an asthma attack!
Are you ready to get problematic with pronouns? I know Lisa is!