vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 8: a homophobic priest walks into the valley
I apologize for the delay in recaps. I was getting my knee sliced and diced and my tibia, femur and patella shaved down. Yes, I was still watching and yes, I was just as horrified as you were watching Kristen Doute try to hit a baseball. Though I’ll admit, I regret denying you my Vanderpump Rules takes on a full dose of oxy, you’ll have to make do with a codeine infused recap. Most of this weeks’ episode is dealing with the fallout of last weeks’ explosive fight after Sandoval dared to question Jax and Brittany about the length of time it took for them to fire their homophobic pastor. It seems CONVENIENT that it took Lisa (their executive producer) questioning it for them to formally fire him. They could not make the decision of their own volition. And you better believe if this wasn’t being filmed, that pastor would’ve married them, been invited to the reception and probably bought multiple shares in Meemaw’s Beer Cheese stocks.
The episode opens with Stassi arriving at the Bubbas’ Valley Home (sounds way less chic than Villa Rosa). We learn Tom Schwartz has a pet lizard named “Daug”. That’s like naming your dog “Cat Stevens”. This kind of irony is considered groundbreaking if you’re in middle school and it’s 2004, but these days it’s a sad attempt at making yourself seem more interesting. Sorry, there’s gonna be a lot of tangents. Stassi makes one of MANY unwarranted Game of Thrones references. If i could pick 5 items to sum up who Stassi is at her core they’d be: a bottle of ranch, a tangled Khaleessi wig from Spirit Halloween, spray tan stained bed sheets, a white faux fur rug from Home Goods and an ice pick covered in Laura Leigh’s blood. Katie, Tom and Stassi make fun of Sandoval for always having to prove how “woke” he is. Normally, I’d agree. White men doing this insincerely is EXHAUSTING. But the fact is, the spectrum from “wokeness” to ignorance for this cast is maybe an inch wide. Tom isn’t making radical statements. He’s calling Jax and Brittany out for refusing to fire a confirmed homophobic pastor. They didn’t fire him because of their morals, they fired him because of public backlash. Sandy just wants them to admit it. But after 8 seasons, Jax’s self-awareness is hiding with Scheana’s somewhere in Guillermo’s offshore accounts, so the odds of him EVER admitting to doing ANYTHING wrong are zero. Stassi, Katie and Tom agree that they feel bad for Brittany, but I don’t. Britt has made her bed and she can lie in it (along with her 6 figure Bravo salary). I’m sure she sleeps fine.
We head down the street to Britt and Jax’s home, where they’re going over the wedding seating chart with her mom, Sherri. I’m proud of Sherri for retiring her white, cum-like lip gloss she donned seasons 4-6. It was time. They don’t know where to seat Tom Sandoval, and in fact, are considering booting him from the wedding party AND the invite list altogether. At Ariana and Tom’s house, tensions are still high. Ariana identifies as bisexual and feels personally attacked by the words of the homophobic pastor. When Brittany ordered Jax to, “kick Tom’s ass”, Ariana saw her for who Brittany truly is and it irked her. Jumping from a civilized conversation to aggravated assault, especially against the love of her life, doesn’t especially make her wanna patch things up with Brittany or even send a “you good?” text. But Ariana and Tom are forgetting the rules of marriage on this show. When you get married and you’re a Vanderpump Rules cast member, you can do no wrong for 2 seasons: your engagement season and your wedding season. Didn’t they watch Seasons 4 and 5? Katie was a swamp dwelling fire breathing sadist and nobody did shit about it. Brittany cannot be taken to task until next season and the rest of the cast members will see to it. Then, it finally happens. Randall “I’m Sorry, Fofty” Emmet makes his Bravo debut!!!
So much to unpack. We get an MTV Cribs montage of his Hollywood Hills home. At first glance, I thought Lala was his punk teenage son. But then I noticed she was wearing a shirt with her own face on it. She fixes the pool chair cushions and we learn her and Randall are engaged! Wow I wonder who gets to be Bridal Queen Bee next season… a fight to the death between Lala and Stassi is JUST what the doctor ordered. In the most unsurprising news ever, we learn Randall and Jax are BEST FRIENDS. Misery loves company. And the epitome of a human toe should get along well with the personification of steroid cream. Also, Jax is 40. He is closer in age to Rand than he is to anyone in the cast. Who else is he gonna compare assisted living facilities with? They dish about The Sandy vs. Jax and Brittany Fight and can’t wait to gossip about it on their double date tonight.
At Villa Rosa, Brett has just arrived to train* Lisa (*shoot an overly produced scene in her kitchen). She hurt her ankle, but in true Lisa fashion refuses to wear a heel below 3 inches. Brett loves to tell his boss about his sex life. It must be one of his kinks because this is like the fifth time. He confides in Lisa that he plans to ask out Charli Without an E, who is basically Scheana 8 years ago. Lisa begs him to date outside her business, but if you rewind it at x2 speed and listen to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon in reverse, you can actually see her winking as she forces Brett to sign a blood oath stating he’ll only date co-workers for the rest of his natural born life. Lisa warns Brett that Scheana will be jealous once she hears about Charli, but Brett thinks she’ll understand. Lol. Has he seen this show?
Over at TomTom, Katie and Tom Schwartz grill Max about his new “relationship” with Dayna. Max argues that being exclusive doesn’t necessarily mean they’re in a relationship because he doesn’t know what words mean. Meanwhile, Dayna is over at SUR bragging to Raquel about her vagina’s newfound monogamy. God, I hope Dayna dumped him after the Racist Tweet Scandal of 2020. At SUR, Ariana and Tom Sandoval are bartending when Jax arrives in a cold sweat. He just snorted 3 lines of ketamine in the unisex bathroom where he railed Laura Leigh (OMG 2 L.L. references already, this codeine really has me on one) and he’s ready to fight! He asks Tom if he can stop pretending to work for a minute so they can go talk.
Enter: The Back Alley of SUR Restaurant. We see some gorgeous status placement when Sandy allows Jax to take the one and only chair. Jax wants Tom to apologize but he is incapable of doing it without bringing up the past. Then, Tom alludes to Jax having bad credit, which makes all the sense in the world. How else could he afford that GNC membership in the early seasons. Jax is convinced Tom and Ariana are trying to make him look bad and sabotage his wedding because he is in a deep k-hole of paranoia. Tom feels like he hasn’t been allowed to bring up anything uncomfortable with Jax for over a year because of the wedding and his father’s death. He’s tired of being a yes man. Jax responds to logic by firing Sandy from Best Man, and as if that isn’t enough, he disinvites him from the wedding. Ouch. We transition with a SUR montage: Charlie Without an E is wasted talking to customers. Raquel has been tricked by Lisa into waitressing full time and making below minimum wage. Brett pulls Charli aside and asks her out. Charli isn’t really into it but loves the idea of more screen time, so she agrees. In her confessional, she brags about meeting a millionaire at an Emmy party, which I’m convinced was really her trapped in a Buca di Beppo bathroom stall after taking too much acid.
Over at another nameless L.A. restaurant that agreed to let them film, Randall, Lala, Jax and Brittany are going on a double date. All four down tequila shots right away because they have absolutely nothing in common. Jax announces that Tom Sandoval is no longer welcome at his wedding and goes on a ten minute coke-fueled rant saying if Tom wants to investigate something so bad, why doesn’t he investigate Ariana’s sexuality. Jax is so deeply repressed. Brittany understands how insane Jax looks so she backtracks and says she didn’t mind Tom asking the question, just that it was the wrong place and wrong time. Brittany, not taking Jax’s side on day four of a coke binge is the WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME. Jax immediately snaps, turns on Brittany and throws in her face all the things he’s done for her. Randall sees Jax just needs another bump so they head to the little boys’ room together. Lala, who hasn’t said two words yet, has come up with a thesis for why Ariana and Tom acted the way they did: They don’t want to see others do well. She claims it can be traced all the way back to STASSI’S BOOK SIGNING EVENT. Wow, I thought that dispute was dead and buried. Lala calls Ariana a wet blanket and says she wouldn’t want her in her wedding. Which seems like a HUGE left turn because they’ve always been friends. Hi, Lala, who stuck by you seasons 4-6 when the Witches of WeHo were against you? Lala continues to talk shit about Ariana, not realizing that maybe her unhappiness and inability to be happy for others is directly linked to her mental health. This is not a good friend. But name one non-toxic friendship on this show. i’LL WAIT.
Jax decides he wants Randall in Tom’s place in the wedding because he flies him on private jets and provides him with free stimulants. He gets down on one knee and Randall is so touched, a lone tear falls atop his TWO orders of fried chicken sandwiches, hold the bread.
Over at TomTom, Ariana tells Katie that Sandy has been uninvited from the wedding, and in a complete turn of events, she’s on Ariana and Tom’s side. Katie thinks it’s ridiculous and that Jax has taken it too far. To be honest, Jax and Katie have never really gotten along. Mutual enemies create friendships. Sandoval breaks the news to Schwartz that he’s been uninvited from the wedding and they sob in each others arms in a pantry closet. I swear they would’ve made out were it not for the entire film crew. Beau, who is an Animorph of a bowtie, has magically appeared and presses Ariana about whether she will still attend the wedding. Ariana isn’t sure, she has to speak to Britt about it. Schwartz is in denial and thinks if Sandy apologizes, they cans till turn things around. Schwartz promises to make a case for Sandy tomorrow.
We get a rare “Driving Around” scene where Scheana is heading back to L.A. from Azusa. I wish I could hang with Scheana in Azusa. We’d get matching dolphin tattoos on our ankles to commemorate her move to Marina. She calls Brett to see if he’s free to make enchiladas with her, an honor! Brett turns her down and reveals he has a date with Charli Without an E. Scheana’s world crumbles and I’m actually shocked she didn’t get into an accident right then and there. Brett should’ve had her pull over before breaking the news. Not only was Scheana being passed over, but she was being passed over for a YOUNGER WOMAN. As someone who started getting preventative Botox at 25 years old, this cannot bode well for Scheana. She catapults into a monologue about how she doesn’t see them together and Charli is just looking for a good time, nothing serious, and that she’s nothing but a CLUB RAT (my new favorite term, after Kelly Dodd’s use of “dweeb”).
She further goes on to call Brett out for saying he wasn’t attracted to Charli, because you KNOW Scheana already asked about her in fit of insecurity. Scheana claims she’s only worried about him because she’s his friend, which we know ended amazing for her and Adam last season.
At Jax and Brittany’s, the groomsmen have arrived for a tux fitting and Ariana has arrived to finally talk to Brittany face to face. Ariana tells Brittany she’s pissed that she kept ordering Jax to beat up Sandy. Brittany is like, yeah my bad, but we didn’t like what he was insinuating. She claims she didn’t see all the homophobic shit the pastor had said before they decided to fire him. Ariana thinks she worked hard to maintain her ignorance, which is a READ. Ariana doesn’t know if she can go to this wedding without Tom, which makes perfect sense after hearing about where she is mentally. She needs a support system and none of these bitches are going to provide it. Brittany cries and says she’ll need a decision soon because she’s not just a guest, she’s a BRIDESMAID.
Brett and Charli get their own worthless scene that I will not be spending my precious time on. Highlights: We learn Charli has only just tried avocado, Brett is from New Jersey, they drink $16 smoothies and Brett uses the word “genuinity”. NUFF SAID. Also, Brett plants the seeds in Charli’s mind that Scheana is mad they’re on a date. Can these woman band together to destroy Brett? We’ll see.
At Villa Rosa, Jax and Brittany have been summoned by Lisa. She can’t come to the wedding because she has her mother’s funeral in London. It’s a v tragic scene and I won’t make fun of it. You can tell Lisa is not up for filming and as soon as she’s done breaking the news, retreats upstairs to the master leaving Jax and Brittany alone in her giant mansion. Rosia must have had to escort them out because you know those two would claim squatters rights.
At TomTom, Max and Dayna try to make plans to hang out, but Max is busy with work. Woh-woh, who cares? Not me. Dayna is like “Prioritize me or lose me.” I pray for the latter. The Toms discuss Lisa’s recent loss and Schwartz breaks it to Sandy that Jax has replaced him with Randall. Sandy is pissed. He’s sick of walking on eggshells around Jax and doesn’t feel he can say anything. Ariana, Lala and Stassi are seated in the front of TomTom discussing Tom’s dis-invitation. Stassi thinks Tom should be at the wedding and that he and Ariana need to “roll over” and apologize. Ariana isn’t sure why she should compromise her morals for an event she really doesn’t give a fuck about. Lala calls Ariana out for being Miss Mopey Pants and Ariana agrees. She tells them how depressed she is and that, yeah, she doesn’t enjoy most things these days. She also reveals that she’s considered taking her own life multiple times. Stassi and Lala have both been there. They’re empathetic and want her to share her feelings with them more often so they can understand where she’s coming from, but it’s hard when Ariana doesn’t feel safe with her friend group. She admits to being Debbie Downer but says she can’t help it because it’s literally a chemical imbalance in her brain. Will someone please show Ariana PsychologyToday.com so she can get a referral for a psychiatrist? Ariana admits she feels too unstable to attend the wedding without Tom and Stassi is surprisingly understanding.
Ariana finds Sandoval and immediately breaks down, not because of Lala and Stassi, because they were actually chill about it, but because she’s in a spiral of hopelessness and doesn’t know how to get out. She wants to run away and leave her life behind (won’t help, SSRIs will) and Tom stares at her helpless. He’s seen her in this state before, but claims it happens too rarely for them to have developed a plan of action. Tom reveals he sent Jax a 5 paragraph essay apologizing and wishing him well and Ariana is mad he bent the knee. She doesn’t want to repair friendships with these toxic people. Self-care! The episode ends with her crying on Tom’s shoulder and i’m in my feelings. Big mental health moment for reality television and I’m here for it!
Next week: Brittany’s on the brim, we arrive at Versailles (not that one) and Raquel gets a backbone! Can’t wait! There was a serious lack of Doute in this week’s episode and I hope it gets rectified.
Until then.
xoxox