vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 9: how to lose a gal in 10 emotionally abusive texts
The episode opens with Katie, Schwartz, Beau and Stassi entering an incredibly sterile coffee shop deep in the valley. Stassi is wearing a wedding dress as a turtleneck and calling it “fashion”, but it can’t hide her apathy for the entire scene. For the first time in many moons, Stassi doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday. She just wants to make Game of Thrones references until the Corona Virus takes us all. Ariana offered her another joint birthday party, but Stassi isn’t interested. Perhaps it’s because every year Stassi leaves her birthday party in tears? Is she maturing? Or is she just trying to change to fit the mold of “Beau’s ideal girlfriend”? She could’ve just worn a bowtie and called it a day. The waitress brings out a single cupcake with a candle in it for the four of them to split and it is perhaps the saddest birthday celebration we’ve seen on this show. And yes, I’m saying that after seeing Stassi cry with a gunshot wound on her forehead.
Been there. Tonight is Ariana’s birthday party and the gang muses about how Jax and Brittany’s attendance will go down after the animosity between them and Sandoval. All four are certain Jax will regret not inviting Tom Sandoval to the wedding. Ummmmm I would hope, above all, Jax is gonna regret not inviting his MOTHER to the wedding, but c’est la vie. Beau steals Stassi’s birthday wish (Likely for more “bowtie play” in the bedroom). Stassi claims she doesn’t want ANY attention and it’s super off brand for her. Is Stassi gonna be one of those women who hates birthdays because it means they’re getting older? Hon, it’s better than the alternative.
We head to Villa Rosa where Nathalie has brought Lisa some sympathy flowers to guilt her into attending the wedding. How dare she attend her MOTHER’S FUNERAL and leave Nathalie stranded in a Kentucky castle on the side of the freeway? They speak French and Nathalie subtly trolls Lisa by presenting her a framed photo of Lisa(’s first face) and her mother. Lisa shares a deep and intimate fact about her mother… that she knew how to solve a Rubik’s Cube. Which I’m sure is the only fact Lisa knows about her mother seeing as this is the first we’re hearing about how “close” they were, We got a lot of mommy issues on this show.
Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Danica, Dayna and Raquel are folding napkins* (stapling Laura Leigh’s head shots to her resumes). Raquel dared to go out last weekend and accidentally got blackout drunk. This resulted in her waking up to hundreds of texts from James berating her and calling her a “whore”. All this coming from the man who has been openly cheating on her since the dawn of their relationship. James is entertaining but I forget how volatile and problematic he can be. Okay, the entire cast, really. Producers force Raquel to read all the texts out loud and she adds some new words to her vocabulary. After saying “whore” and “slut” approximately 42 times, she says she’s gonna throw up. That’s what happens when you make just one member of this cast face reality. Their bodies go into full shut down mode and start rejecting everything.
At Ariana and Tom’s house, he’s doting on her like he’s a live-in butler and she’s an aging socialite (Okay Michael and Patricia from Southern Charmed). Honestly, it’s probably the healthiest relationship on the show, but that’s not saying much. Ariana applies foundation over her spray-tan while Tom gives her a heavy pour of white wine. She finally got a full night’s sleep and her depression has downgraded from Zendaya in Euphoria to Effy in Skins. She’s not necessarily excited for her birthday party, but she’s glad to have a reason to get out of the house. Ariana claims she needs to learn how to “surf her lows better”. Babe, it’s called Lexapro. Ariana doesn’t want to go to Jax and Brittany’s wedding without Tom, which is totally valid. Their entire friend group is NOT a safe space. The cast can’t comprehend why Ariana is actually discussing her unhappiness instead of drinking/snorting it away. She declares she can’t make a decision because the anxiety of it all is too much. Yeah, being trapped in the south with Brittany and Jax vs. less camera time/money is a real Catch-22.
They head to The Naughty Pig, a definite producer choice, for the birthday festivities. The black and white checkered floor is giving me serious RHONJ season 1 reunion flashbacks. Brittany makes Kristen take a shot of vodka which really says everything we need to know about those two. Brittany is forever stuck at 16 years old and will never progress further mentally or emotionally. Taking shots is still COOL and EDGY to her. Kristen will do anything to prove she can hang because of her underlying insecurity and fear of being alone. At this point, I realize Charli Without an E is MVP of the new cast members. Solely because she divulges that she’s planning on returning her top and the tag is still attached. Everyone who’s ANYONE is in attendance at this birthday: new cast members, OGs, even DJ James Kennedy, who Kristen spies and immediately scuttles away from. In what I can only describe as a Grease inspired “Summer Loving” homage, Danica, Raquel and a nameless blonde ask Charli to “Tell them more” about her date with Brett. Charli continues to prove why she holds the crown as Queen of the Newbies by basically shitting on Brett and divulging he talked about his ex (YouTuber Carli Bybel) the entire time. But, honestly, what did she expect? Dating a YouTube-lebrity is probably the most interesting thing about Brett, who has an entirely different take on how the date went. In Brett’s “reality” Charli was acting like a child and HE has chosen to reject HER. Okay, Brett.
Meanwhile, Lala tells all the girls about her conversation with Ariana, but her empathy has waned since their conversation. She seems more annoyed now that Ariana chose to hide her lack of serotonin from them than concerned about her well-being. She’s basically weaponizing Ariana’s mental illness to prove her loyalty to the Witches of WeHo. It’s pathetic considering the fact Ariana has supported Lala from the very beginning. This group really cannot handle people in their feelings. Sure, if you’ve been cheated on and wanna get rage blackout, go right ahead, but any other emotion on the spectrum is off the table. No growth allowed! No therapy! No SSRIs! Because god forbid you work on yourself and see how toxic this friend group really is. Brittany knows Jax will regret if Tom isn’t at the wedding. Again, Jax will regret TOM SANDOVAL not being at the wedding over his own MOTHER. Ariana and Sandy arrive and we get a BIRTHDAY PARTY MONTAGE!
Jax has now decided he’s annoyed that Tom Sandoval texted him. Last week he was begging for a morsel of text and after receiving a David Foster Wallace novel, he’s decided it was too impersonal. Classic coke rage Jax. Somehow he gets surrounded by all the women and the flashing strobe lights reveal his dilated pupils and sweat drenched face. And AWAY. WE. GO. Stassi urges Jax to reconsider Tom Sandoval’s disinvite to the wedding. She claims they’ve both messed up in the past. Cut to a montage of Jax admitting he fucked Tom’s girlfriend and Tom punching him for fucking his girlfriend. Not necessarily separate but equal acts of wrong doing, but sure, editors. Brittany, Jax, Ariana and Tom Sandoval all sit down to discuss the wedding. Britt’s anxiety level is through the roof. I wonder how her ulcer is doing after those vodka shots. Brittany tells Tom she loves him and that one fight won’t change that. This causes Tom to break down, it doesn’t take much these days, and Jax is ready for another line of coke. He knows the quickest way to get outta there is to just agree to squash everything. He accepts Tom’s apology and reinstates him as Best Man (again). They all take tequila shots to cement Tom’s new-ish position and Brittany’s ulcer explodes. Tom Schwartz stops hyperventilating into a paper bag and turns off the playlist of Best Man YouTube tutorials. Jax reveals in his confessional that he doesn’t actually forgive Sandy. His goal was to end the conversation so he could snort some more ketamine before his nasal canals collapsed (again).
Blackout drunk Kristen slithers over to Katie and offers her a shot, but Katie isn’t into it. Kristen plays a pathetic hand of cards and attempts to guilt Katie for not reaching out in awhile. If you’re begging Katie Maloney to be your friend, things have really gone from bad to worse. Katie asks if Carter’s going to the wedding and Kristen is like, “Of Course!” Kristen is SUCH boyfriend girl. I, too, have a friend like this. They subconsciously believe the idea of not being in a relationship somehow decreases their worth, so they jump from relationship to relationship in order to feel validated. It definitely explains why Kristen dated the troll from Big Fish in Season 4. Katie is VERY over Carter and, for once, is in the right. Sure, her and Stassi are bad friends for being unsupportive during this messy break-up, but Blackout Kristen is no different from a sleep paralysis demon and Katie is justified in trying to slay it. Across the room, Raquel makes sure James isn’t drinking and alludes to the texts he sent the other night. If she has to endure an emotionally abusive relationship, the least it can do is serve as a storyline. James is over the party since he’s not allowed to drink. Imagine being surrounded by these people sober? I’d also be OUTTA there. Raquel begs him to stay so she can continue to shame him on camera for his off camera behavior. James tries to blame Raquel for his actions (a BIG ol’ cheater move). I’ve never cheated on a significant other, but it’s common knowledge that those that do are more prone to paranoia in the relationship. Ex: Every relationship Jax has ever been in.
Speaking of the devil, Jax and Brittany get back to their house and start drunk baby-talking to the dogs. It would be a relatable scene if they also weren’t calling LANCE BASS to confirm he is officiating their wedding. You know, after they fired their homophobic pastor. Talk about over-correcting! I wonder what they/Lisa have on Lance to convince him to set foot in Kentucky and marry two people he has clearly never spoken more than 5 words to. Jax tells Lance he wants him to wear a multi-colored robe and Lance mistakes it for a Jesus Christ Superstar reference. I’m FURIOUS!!!!
AT SUR, Raquel is taking goat cheese ball orders and questioning every decision in her life that led her to working here. Ariana pulls her into the Back Alley of SUR to talk about James’ texts. Ariana attempts a Good Will Hunting impression, “It’s not your fault!” But instead of breaking down, Raquel just stares at her blankly. Her program settings have not been updated to feel that emotion. Ariana reminds us she was in a verbally abusive relationship and doesn’t want Raquel to stay with James a second longer if he’s gonna talk to her that way, Raquel realizes the seriousness of the situation and agrees to right this situation for fear of losing her meal ticket.
In perhaps the best scene of the entire episode, we head back inside SUR, where Scheana saunters over to Brett. She asks about his date with Charli, but all i care about is how her famous enchiladas turned out! Brett is like, “Yeah you were right. Charli IS a club rat.” But before Scheana can give an “I told you so”, Charli pops up out of nowhere. She is straight up single white female-ing Scheana and I love it. They’re both wearing knee high boots, skirts and her signature long claws. Charli reveals to Scheana all the shit Brett talked about her on their date, IN FRONT OF BRETT. He just stares slack-jawed at the balls on this chick. And so do I! A woman has never successfully stood up to a man on this show (unless you’re Lisa). Charli doesn’t want a tiny dicked scrub to get in the middle of their friendship and Scheana clearly doesn’t know what to say. She’s always been a guy’s girl and now that Charli wants to team up, she has to rely on her improv skills from the Azusa Academy of Acting Tips and Tricks. Brett attempts to blindside Charli and tells her Scheana doesn’t like her OR trust her and this queen’s response is, “Well, she told you that in confidence and it’s shitty of you to betray Scheana’s trust.” I never thought I’d say this… but give me more Charli. Brett throws a tantrum that the scene isn’t going as planned and Charli tells him to, “WRITE. IT. IN. HIS. DIARY.”, Brett storms off to go kick a puppy. ALL HAIL QUEEN CHARLI.
Time for another AIRPLANE MONTAGE. The gang lands at Blue Grass Airport which seems sketchy af. But the plane didn’t crash so, hooray! We head to The Kentucky Castle in Versailles, Kentucky. And I’m truly shocked Peter made the invite list. Is he even on this show anymore? For his sake, I hope he owns some stock in SUR because this measly camera time cannot be paying the bills. The rooms are very Medieval Times a.k.a. Kentucky’s idea of the Renaissance. The rooms consist of a four poster bed and a four seater high top inside the bathroom. Kristen looks at the window and we see a breathtaking view of: zero landscaping, an acre of bare lawn and a busy freeway. Stunning. I’m shocked more of the cast isn’t complaining. it really proves that you can do NO WRONG your wedding season. Brittany better be pregnant by next year or she’s gonna get her comeuppance. Brittany and Jax’s dog shits in Stassi’s room and Stassi is like, “It’s fine! I’m fine! Everything’s FINE!” as her eyes bleed. This wedding will be her own personal episode of Survivor. The bridesmaids don their blue bathrobes and take some tequila shooters. They know that being sober for the next 48 hours is NOT an option. Lala tries to wear white to the rehearsal ceremony and the rest of the bridesmaids throw rocks at her and yell “SHAME” until she changes. In a twist of events, we find out Daug the lizard is DEAD. It’s extremely upsetting and unnecessary. Why did you introduce him as a character for ONE episode, Bravo editors?? WHY??? Knowing there is a lizard corpse in Katie and Tom Schwartz’s backyard is both horrifying, yet makes all the sense in the world. Brittany shouts from the balcony that she’s “GETTING MARRIED, Y’ALL” and it makes me yearn for the days when she was on the brim.
At TomTom, we get a quick, obligatory scene where it’s Max’s turn to guilt Lisa for not going to the wedding so she can attend her MOTHER’S FUNERAl. Lemme guess… Lisa is gonna surprise everyone and show up to the wedding at the very last minute?!?!?! This show loves to foreshadow. And prove that guilting people ultimately will manipulate them into doing what you want.
We head to the Wedding Rehearsal and Katie’s outfit has offended me to my core. Purple, pink, and red ruching? Just kill me. Speaking of scary clothing choices, Mitchell the Wedding Planner is sporting some VERY aggressive pants. Sandy brings a cooler of booze to prove his Best Man value while Schwartz continues to be useless. Then, we get a fake commercial edit for Tom Sandoval’s Best Man Business. I hate when the cast tries to be funny and self-aware. I want to see MAYHEM, not a digital short. Mitchell assigns everyone their aisle walking partners and at this point I had to lay down, because I found out one of Brittany’s friends is named “Jolly”. Okay, I’m back. Sandoval is standing right behind Jax at the wedding alter and Jax puts his Bride-zilla face on. This will never do. He complains to Brittany that Schwartz is his BEST FRIEND and he should be the one closest to him. Katie, eager to cause disappointment, breaks the news to Sandy that he’ll be walking with her and standing behind Schwartz. Sandy is disappointed but unsurprised.
At James and Raquel’s apartment, they’re making chicken tacos and James bruises some avocados by juggling them. Raquel wants to discuss the texts one last time, but James doesn’t understand why they have to keep talking about it after he’s already apologized. It’s called a pattern of abuse, James! Raquel claims he doesn’t wanna talk about it because he’s embarrassed and he should be. I’m here for the women holding the men accountable this season. A BIG left turn for gender roles on this show.
James storms out of the apartment and Raquel goes into shut down mode, like when you leave the TV on for too long with no one in the room. Luckily, James returns just in time before he has to boot her back up. Raquel starts crying and makes James promise to go to one Al-Anon meeting with her. Raquel being an ugly crier is a true gift from the universe. I could watch it all day. James calls her “Bubba” while he comforts her and it warms my heart picturing how upset Katie is that he stole her pet name.
Next week: Jax gets rage blackout, Stassi’s jealous of Kristen and Max cheats on Dayna.
Get ready for a Kentucky Fried Wedding!
xoxo