vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 4: kristen’s ko-dependency
1/30/20
by: Hillary Sussman
I’d like to begin by apologizing for denying you my full take on everyone’s interview lewks, which give us further proof that money can’t buy taste. Brittany is wearing an animal print night gown. Lala is giving me eighties mom realness à la Shelley Long in Troop Beverly Hills. Katie’s make-up and hair look like she just stumbled out of Studio 54 at 6 a.m. after railing an eight ball and is on her way to a discotheque with Mikhail Baryshnikov. That’s all.
The episode opens with it’s classic royalty-free bubble gum pop. Jax is wearing a Friday the 13th Jason mask and watering the garden and it’s truly the most relaxed I’ve ever seen him. Brittany giggles at her ~*quirky*~* beau, not realizing her life is in danger. It’s time for a…. Packing montage!
Scheana’s apartment is an extension of her personality. Her Kinko’s made 36x24 wedding posters have been replaced by her own merch! Namely, a print of her signature Almost Famous tattoo. She giggles that her bikini bottoms might be too small because of her FAT ASS. If Scheana has a fat ass, my ass needs its own governing body. Everyone is excited to get out of town and head to MIAMI!!! We see a photo of Sandoval and Jax(’s first face) and are reminded their friendship began in Miami when they were just wee, young models. Will creepy John make an appearance like last time they visited Miami? I can’’t wait for the day he profits off all Jax’s dirty little secrets.
Stassi and Beau are proud of Kristen for FINALLY ending things with Carter. She’s gonna be a Destiny’s Child Independent Woman. It must be noted that Stassi has a froshhhh spray tan for Miami and is definitely feeling herself. It’s Move In day for Kristen and we get a shot of her carrying, not one, but two guitars over the threshold of her new abode, because in case you forgot, she’s a rocker girl. Ariana comes over to help her unpack. Can we have a moment of silence for Ariana’s butt in those leggings? It’s incredible. Ariana spies a box in Kristen’s house labeled, “Carter” and her face is the epitome of an ellipses. Kristen explains he accidentally had it sent there and, yes, they are still sleeping together but it’s DEFINITELY over. Ariana and Kristen fight over who was in the right last episode at Stassi’s Book Signing. Ariana is obviously on Sandoval’s side because he’s her soulmate and Kristen is on Stassi’s side because she has Stockholm Syndrome.
We head to TomTom where Max (who, due to a recent uncovering of horrifying tweets, will henceforth be known as Racist #1) is in the process of ordering his minions around, when a fire breaks out! Ironically, it’s at a non-working fireplace decorated with ill placed candles. I sat at that VERY fireplace when I went to TomTom. The two people of color save the day and are rewarded with chyrons. We learn the woman is named Valissa and the man is JoJo. Lisa is pissed they ruined her attempt at another insurance fraud but cameras are on so she’s all smiles. She sits Racist #1 down to get to the bottom of the Stassi Book Signing Fight. He is tight-lipped and clearly doesn’t wanna throw his boss, Sandoval, under the boss. But he also doesn’t wanna throw his boss, Schwartz, under the bus. He’s at a standstill. Lisa decides to hold him hostage until she gets the whole story,
Airplane montage!
Brittany is wearing a Bride-To-Be sash and everyone is in coach. We land in Miami and Jax reminds us that this is where Jason Couchi had to die so that Jax Taylor could live. Did Jason kill a stripper named Jax and take on his identity? IT’S JUST A QUESTION. The bachelor/ettes head to the hotel and are greeted with margaritas. We find out Scheana is sharing a room with Peter and I can’t wait for them to fight over the bathroom mirror. Sandoval takes this opportunity to pull Stassi aside and offer her a napology. “I’m sorry for being a dick, but you deserved it”. I asked my friend if it was okay that I thought Sandoval looked super hot in the scene and the look on her face told me that I need to be 5150ed. Stassi agrees to follow protocol next time and keep Sandy in the loop, but she is still PISSED.
All the hotel rooms are gold accented french nouveau riche, but put it through a rose filter, and everyone asks if Stassi designed them. The bachelors are headed out for a Miami “rat pack themed night”, which means Tom Sandoval NEEDS to wear a fake moustache. The bachelorettes will be wearing their tacky wedding dresses. This group loves a theme. As do I. I was a theatre major, after all. We learn Sandoval rented a yacht* (*booze cruise boat) for tomorrow to prove to Jax he made the right choice re-enlisting him as best man. Stassi tells Beau about her hotel lobby conversation with Sandoval and Beau wants to defend Stassi’s honor, partly because he thinks she’s in the right but mostly because he’s terrified of her. Stassi says next time she’ll have her book signing at TGI Fridays because, “they have the good ranch anyways”. Stassi, girl, NO. On the “shitty chain restaurants” tier, TGI Fridays is the bottom of the barrel. Followed closely by Applebee’s, Then Chili’s. THEN Red Lobster. Have you learned nothing from your basic bitch persona? Stassi’s also mad at Ariana because when she was at the airport book store, likely Hudson News, she moved her book from the back of the store to the front for optimal exposure. Allegedly, Ariana was overheard telling Sandoval that she thought Stassi brought her own book to the store and that they didn’t have it in stock at all. More on that later.
Back at TomTom, Lisa calls Schwartz, Sandy and Stassi to get the entire Book Signing Fight story. Racist #1 is still there. He hasn’t been allowed to eat or drink in weeks, but he hasn’t broken yet. Consensus from Tom, Tom and Stassi is that Sandoval needs to be more professional and keep calm under pressure. In Miami, the bachelor/ettes are out on the town. The boys head to a strip club and order bottle service because this is Vanderpump Rules and everyone is garbage. Beau pretends to be uncomfortable getting a lap dance because he has Satan, a.k.a. Stassi, to answer to at the end of the night.
The girls go to Shhh Lounge in their tacky wedding dresses and, like a newborn deer, Kristen falls right away. Can I please get a gif of this? Ariana pulls Scheana aside to ask if she knows why everyone is treating her like Cady Heron at the beginning of Mean Girls and since it has nothing to do with Scheana, she hasn’t even noticed.
We head over to the strip club just in time to see Peter try to hide his erection while Jax tells a stripper he’s dead inside. Beau pulls Sandy aside to talk about… guess what? THE BOOK SIGNING FIGHT. This better not be the overarching conflict of the season because i’m already bored as fuck. It’s the RHOBH’s Puppygate all over again. Beau and Sandy cannot come to an agreement on who was in the right, but they wanna have a fun weekend and can put it aside… for now.
We get an obligatory SUR scene where Brett (Racist Tweeter #2) and Charli Without an E talk about being the new SURvers. Lisa asks Dayna how she’s transitioning in an attempt to get her to talk shit and it works! Dayna tells her that Scheana’s been a real bitch lately and Lisa is surprised to hear this considering how Scheana was treated by the Witches of WeHo when she first started at SUR.
Back in Miami, the Vanderpump Rules editors prove their love of cinema with an ‘in medias res’ tribute. Brittany is back at the hotel and wails loudly while all her bridesmaids sit silently in terror. Everyone is still wearing tacky wedding dresses. Turns out, after Shhh Lounge, the bachelorettes went to another club where they were greeted with VIP hosts holding a sign that said “Don’t Do It, Brittany”. At first, Brittany found the sign amusing, but after Kristen’s k-hole paranoia rubbed off on her, she decided it was meant to be offensive and make fun of her relationship. Brittany forced all the bachelorettes to leave the club and go back to the hotel where she could sob in private. She’s sick of everyone making fun of her relationship and feels this was a PERSONAL ATTACK. Ariana tells her that the club actually does this for all bachelorette parties as a joke and she’s not as special as she thinks, but Brittany doesn’t have the mental capacity to comprehend that. Lala and Kristen get into a fight because Lala is on the side of sanity and Kristen is still coming down from her club drug binge. Also, Kristen is secretly in love with Brittany. Remember where Brittany’s Kentucky Muffin nickname came from?
The girls all secretly think Brittany is overreacting but god forbid she demote them from bridesmaid, so they decide to enable her wild accusations and lack of evidence. Jax bursts the hotel room doors carrying two boxes of pizza. If Little Caesar’s was a Greek God… Brittany beams and tells Jax she got irrationally mad on his behalf tonight because their love language is toxic acts of service. The girls open Jax’s pizza boxes to discover 4 pieces of pizza and 2 chicken bones. Is Jax Tituba reincarnated? Was he performing a voodoo ritual to get out of marrying Brittany?
The next day everyone is hungover, but they have to get on a yacht* (*booze cruise). What a nightmare. Peter looks like he was rode hard and put away wet. We get a shady editor moment where all the boys claim the strip club was HORRIBLE and they were UNCOMFORTABLE the entire time followed by a flashback of Schwartz getting a lap dance and Jax motorboating a stripper he wants to leave Brittany for. They embark on their yacht journey and all the women are wearing “Bride Team” bathing suits and sunglasses that say #JaxGotItWright. I hate wedding hashtags almost as much as I hate destination weddings. Almost. Scheana complains to the other OGs about Dayna and essentially slut shames her for not wearing a bra. Lala is like, “Oh, so it’s me season 4?” And Scheana attempts to backtrack. It’s not Dayna’s lack of bra she’s mad it, it’s her lack of fake boobs. Close call, Scheana. You do not want to get on Lala’s bad side.
Jax gets marriage advice from his sister and launches into a monologue about how much he’s grown. Sure, Jan. Kristen asks Lala if she can steal her for a sec and apologizes for fighting with her last night. She says the booze (and ketamine) heightened her emotions and she promises to work on being a shit show. Kristen also admits to texting Carter last night and says she has to see him Saturday because that box we saw at her apartment labeled “Carter” is full of their sex toys! God, I do not want that visual. Lala asks if they’re still sleeping together and Kristen is like, “YUP!” Jax is grateful Sandy is proving his loyalty as Best Man by planning this booze cruise and appreciates the effort. They reminisce about being young models in this godforsaken town. Ariana finally asks Stassi what her damage is and Stassi is apparently taking out her anger from the Book Signing Fight on Ariana as well as Sandoval. You get some passive aggression and you get some passive aggression! Everyone gets passive aggression!
Ariana blames Schwartz for the everything and Stassi yells at her for throwing poor Schwartzy under the bus. Honestly, it’s not NOT Schwartz’s fault. He’s never been the brains of the operation and he’s known to crumble under pressure. Stassi is also mad at Ariana because Katie told her (OF COURSE Maloney is behind it) that she was saying the airport book store didn’t stock her book. Stassi claims Ariana is jealous of her success and doesn’t support other women!
Back at the hotel we have a Getting Ready Montage! The bachelorettes are going out to dinner and the bachelors have a surprise planned* (*Will it involve a theme???). Kristen stands outside the restaurant and calls Carter. He wants to come by her apartment and pick up some of his things. He calls her “babe” and I cringe. Inside the restaurant, Stassi tells Katie that Ariana is blaming Schwartz for everything regarding The Book Signing Fight and Katie’s eyes turn black as coal. She won’t even let Ariana finish asking if she wants to share her wagyu beef before she jumps on her for insulting Schwartz. Ariana says, “Well, Schwartz is the one who approved it…” but Katie doesn’t wanna hear it! They leave it at a miscommunication error, but Katie is still fuming. Who can she unleash all this misdirected anger on? Enter Kristen. Perfect. She asks Kristen where she was and she flinches like an abused housewife who didn’t hang the hand towels just so. Kristen admits Carter is swinging by her place to pick up his camera gear* (*sex toys) and Stassi and Katie attack her. How could she give him access to her sanctuary?!?!?! Stassi tells her they might as well get back together. Katie says she’s not allowed to cry to them about Carter anymore and it’s not fair to THEM. Kristen yells it isn’t about them and she’s doing the best she can. But Katie and Stassi tell her she’s too old to be acting this messy and it’s not cute anymore. They only are yelling at her because they love her. Kristen, who has actually been to therapy and knows how to express herself without screaming, says she does not want their kind of “love” and that she was there for Katie when Schwartz was cheating on her. Katie ERUPTS. She knows it’s true but doesn’t want her dirty laundry aired on television. Again. She says, “HOW DARE YOU?” and calls Kristen “miserable in her relationship”. Hello? Pot? Kettle? BLACK? God, this show loves hypocrisy. TO BE CONTINUED.
Next week: Old Man Prosthetics, The Possible Return of DJ James Kennedy and more club drugs!
L8r, Sk8rs.