vanderpump rules, season 8, episode 3: spider-sand
1/24/20
by: Hillary Sussman
The episode opens in the bleakest, most unwelcoming set we’ve seen thus far: Stassi Schroeder’s apartment. The ice blue and white aesthetic represents her frozen heart. Stassi’s brother, Nikolai, the most emotionally intelligent of the cast (which isn’t saying much), is visiting Stassi as is her mom, Dayna, to celebrate Stassi’s book launch. The last we saw of Dayna, she was throwing a fit in a restaurant (like me as a toddler, thought not nearly as adorable), demanding Stassi show her more affection. Dayna, you’re the mom. You don’t get to ask for more affection. She shows you what she’s been taught to show you. You created this monster, now deal with it. Dayna is an asbestos infested building about to collapse because she’s toxic af. Beau is cooking a “secret recipe” for the Schroeder family (my guess is boiled bowties). Nikolai performs emotional labor for all of them and daydreams about heading off to college in Berlin, wearing a beret and reciting Nietzsche to sex club door men. Stassi screams it’s time for Nikolai to spray dry shampoo in her hair and he snaps out of his fantasy. Nikolai and Dayna have read Stassi’s book, and claim they were both triggered by all the sex stuff. Do not make your little brother read about the time you lost your virginity. That’s traumatic. Beau announces he’s been invited to a BOY’S NIGHT because for the first time in his life, he has a group of male friends contractually obligated to film with him. Stassi is going to a walk through at TomTom for her book signing event tomorrow where I’m sure nothing will go wrong!
We head to SUR where Dayna #1 (SPELLED THE SAME AS STASSI’S MOM BTW) and Charli without an E fold napkins and discuss the 2020 presidential race. Just kidding! They discuss the inherent evilness of carbs. Charli says she doesn’t eat pasta because it makes you fat. Is she talking about PASTA or pasta? Because I’m pretty sure a certain kind of PASTA makes you skinny.
Dayna is like, “Who cares about carbs? Didn’t Scheana bully you into being bulimic when you applied for this position?” Assistant Manager of SUR, Danica, appears and asks the girls how they’re getting on. Danica calls Charli, “Scheana’s mini-me” and Charli is PLEASED. Charli hasn’t seen this show. She doesn’t understand that that means she’s going to get matching butterfly tattoos with her mom and unknowingly marry a pill addict. Poor Charli. Dayna is relieved to not be anyone’s mini-me, especially after Danica informs the girls why they are just now meeting her for the first time, i.e., her physical assault suspension. And in this moment I get full body chills because I’m looking at the Ghosts of Season 1 Past. Danica’s rage and readiness to fight are the perfect combination of Tequila Katie and Kristen. Charli’s vacuous eyes and aversion to food in lieu of looking good resembles Scheana and Dayna’s disgust at all of them is pure Stassi. We’ve gone full circle!
Scheana enters and loudly announces, specifically for Dayna’s ears, that she has business to discuss with Max. Dayna leaves since she knows they’re going to talk shit about her anyways and the girls make fun of the fact that Dayna doesn’t wear a bra. Ladies… that’s impressive. Being in your late twenties with tits that stay up on their own is a feat that should be celebrated. Those boobs should be met with applause every time they enter a room. These are also the same women who later in the episode gloat about not wearing underwear at work. I’m all for “free the nipple”, but let’s put a layer of clothing between your labia and my goat cheese balls, yeah? We briefly meet Danica’s (ex???) boyfriend, Brett #2, just long enough for Lisa to order him to stop asking for threesomes in her restaurant. There’s too many Bretts and Daynas on this show. I’m just gonna start giving them generic L.A. kid names. Like Forrest. Or Stella.
Scheana pulls Lisa aside to tattle on Max for calling her “boy crazy” and Lisa is like, “...And??” Scheana claims Max is the one crazy about HER and that he’s sent her pages of texts proclaiming his to love to her. Then Scheana has a full on mental spiral because she’s not actively sleeping with anyone and therefore is depleted of all self-worth. She weeps in Lisa’s arm. As always, Lisa bottles the tears for later. “For the Chilean Sea Bass,” she whispers.
We arrive at perhaps the saddest and most steroid fueled BOY’S NIGHT this side of Santa Monica Boulevard. Jax, Max (New Jax), Brett #1, Tom Sandoval and Beau all sit alone on a tiny bar patio, the L.A. heat beating down on their sunburnt, pre-aged foreheads and in the distance Peter paces around his apartment, wondering if everyone’s hanging out without him? The boys take this time together as an opportunity to rip on Scheana. Max claims she’s obsessed with him and Jax calls her a stage 5 clinger. Roll the footage of Jax season 2 trying to win Stassi back. Max gets a text that Scheana wants to have a chat with him and he tells her to come meet up. As they wait for Sche-Schu, the boys talk spooning. The skinny boys who have most def been to Warped Tour (Max and Sandoval) have a penchant for being the little spoon while Jax is appalled by this lack of masculinity.
As a 27-year-old woman who’s recently been asked to be big spoon, I’m not mad at it. I definitely prefer to be held, but it’s kinda nice holding a human while THEY feel subconscious about letting their stomachs go all the way out.
Sandoval complains about Stassi’s book signing tomorrow and says he knows NOTHING about it. He’s pissed Stassi went over his head because he’s reminded that despite having his name over the door, he only owns 2.5% of the restaurant. Lol. Stassi did nothing wrong here. She asked Lisa and Schwartz because she knew they’d say yes and because she knows Sandoval actively doesn’t like her. Sandoval states that her book signing will have 50-60 people and that he refuses to bartend NO MATTER WHAT. That is a prophecy if I’ve ever heard one. Stassi and Schwartz do a TomTom walkthrough to make sure everything is in order. Schwartz makes sure to state that they’re not charging Stassi for the space because she’s their friend. Which explains why Stassi asked Schwartz and not Sandoval.
Meanwhile, Scheana Schu Schu shows up to BOY’S NIGHT and tells everyone who’s not named Max to take a hike, but not before marking her territory by kissing Brett #1 on both cheeks. She confronts Max about calling her boy crazy and basically disrespecting her. She then goes on to DISMANTLE THE FUCK BOY PATRIARCHY by reading alllll the texts Max has ever sent her. Sweet sweet retribution. Scheana was right. Max WAS obsessed with her. That or he was obsessed with her being his meal ticket to get on this show. Either way. In the texts he calls Scheana a smoke show, which is VERY nineties sitcom of him. Is Max older than he claims? Can we start the rumor that Max is Jax from the future? Scheana calls Max a fuck boy for leading her on and regrets buying him the Apple Watch. Max is in damage control mode and just starts to spew out everything he knows Scheana wants to hear. He apologizes and admits to being a bad person. Scheana asks him to stop sleeping with his staff (SPECIFICALLY Dayna) and Max skirts around the issue by claiming that Dayna is NOT his girlfriend. Scheana seems content with that. For now.
We get a quick cut of Lisa reading Stassi’s book aloud which includes saying things like “FULL BUSH” and “VAGINA”with a British accent. How gauche! C’mon Lisa. You came of age in the 1970’s London club kid crowd. I’m willing to bet you’ve seen hundreds, if not thousands, of bushes.
She’s acting pretty demure for someone who call’s Brittany a pet name for a vagina a.k.a. her little “Kentucky muffin”. We get a short flashback to Brittany and Lisa having lunch where Lisa makes fun of how Brittany pronounces Versailles. Apparently there is a castle in Kentucky also called Versaille where Brittany and Jax plan to wed. Except, unlike the one in France, this one is filled with homophobic priests and KFC potato skins.
Beau enters Stassi’s apartment with her dogs and Stassi discloses that she woke up to a paragraph of rage texts from Tom Sandoval at 2 a.m. Oh, this group and rage texts. As someone who just got in a text fight with their best friend, let me just say CONTEXT CANNOT BE READ THROUH TEXT. Fight in person like adults! Sandoval claims he has JUST found out about Stassi’s book signing today. Mostly, Sandoval wants to make it clear that him and Schwartz will not bartend Stassi’s event for her no matter what. This is purely a status fight. Sandoval doesn’t want to serve princess Stassi and give her anymore ammunition to think she’s better than him. Apparently the staff that was supposed to work the event bailed at the last minute (sounds like TomTom) and Sandoval is blaming Stassi for giving Schwartz even an ounce of responsibility. Sandoval is right in a way. Stassi shouldn’t have gone over his head to Schwartz because Schwartz was bound to buckle under the pressure. Stassi’s confused about what she did wrong since Lisa and Schwartz both said it was alright. TBH she did nothing wrong. It’s just a shitty restaurant that shouldn’t be put in charge of milestone events in peoples’ lives.
My first time at TomTom, it took so long to get a drink, Scheana asked me if I wanted to freeze my eggs while I waited. Then, when I finally did get it, the bartender refused to give me the check or let me start a tab. It wasn’t in a “You’re hot, it’s on us” way either. It was in a, “I forgot you were even here, please leave” way. I could’ve begged and pleaded for a check but they weren’t budging…. and that’s the night I stole a free drink from TomTom! I digress. Stassi is suspicious that James influenced Sandoval since they were partying together during the period of time in which the texts were sent. She knows Sandoval has always hated her, but maybe James gave him the confidence to go the extra mile.
We next head to my favorite 40 minute drama series, “Scheana in Marina”!!
Scheana’s friend Janet has come over to hem her new SUR dress. Since Charli and Danica are still desperate for camera time, they don’t mind trekking all the way to the west side. We learn that Danica’s ex (Brett #2) gave a her an envelope of cash because he feels bad that he MADE her physically assault him causing her to miss work (be suspended). Jesus Christ. Someone download the Better Help app for Brett. Danica admits that this small act of kindness resulted in them sleeping together because on this show an ex-boyfriend is just someone you don’t bring home for the holidays. At some point Charli without an E talks into a banana and I missed why, but it seemed very on brand for her. Scheana tells the girls about her talk with Max. She hopes it will lead to him prioritizing her over Dayna. Oh Scheana, Scheana, Scheana.
Over at SUR, Nathalie (with an H because she’s French), goes over the employee handbook with Brett #1 and Dayna. What I would give to get my paws on that. And not just because it’s Villa Rosa pink. I bet it reads something like this: “Rule #1: Only sleep with your co-workers. Rule #2: Support Laura Leigh’s film career. Rule #3: Plant cocaine in Lisa Rinna’s carry-on bags.” These are Lisa Vanderpump’s minions after all. Dayna and Brett bond over the fact that they’re newbies. Brett tells Dayna he broke up with Scheana in the hopes of getting a little Rule #1 action with her, but Dayna declares he’s been friend-zoned. Yikes. This show never received the memo that there’s no such thing as the friend-zone. Vanderpump Rules continues to prove in new and creative ways that it’s stuck in a higher-dimensional space time continuum where it’s always 2003. Just look at the evidence: Fashion, lingo, ambition… Scheana is basically just a hot pink bejeweled Razr phone.
We head to TomTom, where Schwartz is doing a last minute walk through to make sure everything is looking tight for Stassi’s book signing. Schwartz is a little peeved that Sandoval blamed Stassi for the original bartenders falling through, but he pulled it together. That’s a big win for Schwartz. Stassi, Dayna #2, Nikolai and human Beau-tie, enter and begin to set-up. Stassi is like, “What’s up with your business partner?” And we find out Sandoval has been in the ER all night for… a spider bite! With great hair, comes great responsibility.
Everyone shows up to support Stassi. Notably, Schwartz turns down a shot from Jax which shows extraordinary growth. Or at least that he’s been to one AA meeting since last season. Stassi reads an excerpt from her book and negs Kristen for sleeping with Jax. You know she was only invited to humiliate her. Sandoval and Ariana finally arrive and they’re ready to start some shit! Sandoval has been bitten by a black widow and he’s out for blood. And you know Ariana just wants to watch the world burn. Sandoval is pissed they have bartenders working before the restaurant opens because it’s advertising their slave labor practices and these jokers cannot afford overtime. Katie smells conflict and suddenly appears, telling Tom his texts to Stassi were aggressive. Ariana thinks it’s BS that they didn’t have a proper staff the night before an event and that if Stassi had just gone through Sandy, this could’ve been avoided. Schwartz calls all of them an “echo chamber of negativity” which is absolutely gorgeous. Put that on my tombstone. Katie claims Sandoval can’t STAND Stassi getting attention and Sandoval’s like, “No hon, that’s your mom you’re thinking of”. He then yells that this is HIS restaurant not the Katie Maloney Bar & Grill. Can you imagine anything more depressing? All the servers would have her season 2 orange hair and the special would be a scooped out cantaloupe with cottage cheese.
Stassi FINALLY hears the yelling and comes to investigate. HOW DARE YOU RUIN HER EVENT?! We get shady cross-editing of Stassi season 1 vs. present day Stassi and besides getting a better handle on her Adderall addiction, things haven’t changed a bit! Everyone decides to just leave since nothing’s being resolved and no one wants to be a character in Stassi’s next book.
At SUR, Brett and Dayna are openly flirting in front of Scheana, causing her left eye to twitch and her right nostril to gush blood. Dayna asks to speak to Scheana and pulls her into The Back Alley of SUR Restaurant. She wants to make sure they’re cool and that Max and her can bang freely without worrying if Scheana is going to Midsommar them in their sleep. Scheana says it’s all good but they agree that as long as Max is involved there will be tension. Ugh, Max sucks. Can’t these ladies team up to defeat a common enemy? Call me in two episodes after Dayna’s been Maxed. (That’s Jaxed the sequel).
Speaking of, everyone is packing for Miami for the bachelor/ette party. Sandoval calls Ken and Lisa to tell them about Stassi’s disastrous event and KEN TODD IS PISSED. I love hearing him yell. It adds years to my life.
I’ll never forget when he yelled at James that he’d “knock him spark out.” Sigh. Lisa is angry that ANY yelling happened in front of PAYING customer but then remembers that they didn’t charge Stassi for the event. She decides she has more pressing issues to attend to and it can wait until next episode.
Schwartz heads over to Tom and Ariana’s house to talk about the book signing and brings a folding chair because they have no furniture. Both Tom and Ariana and Tom and Katie’s homes came furnished but since Tom and Ariana have personalities they decided to decorate themselves. Katie is a pre-furnished display at Home Goods posing as a human. Anyway, who needs furniture when you can shoot webs out of your wrists? Sandoval is mad that Stassi yelled at him, humiliating him at his own restaurant. Schwartz is mad Sandoval would refuse to serve Stassi in a pinch and Ariana is mad she doesn’t have a cocktail in her hands. The fight ends with Sandoval declaring that Stassi is BANNED from TomTom.
Coming up next week… topless Miami strippers, Brittany coming to terms with her decision to marry Jax and Stassi bullying Kristen until she kries. See you next week.