amanda mitchell’s greatest chris harrison insults, 2016-2018
Welcome to the-audacity.com, the internet’s favorite place to talk television, beauty, entertainment, and all the high-brow/low-brow nonsense we love and adore. I’m Amanda Mitchell, a writer based in Brooklyn, New York, who somehow convinced the world she was worthy of putting words on the internet (you can read my bio page for all of those things, come on.)
For the site’s inaugural posting, I figured I’d give you a little bit of the lay of the land ahead of this week’s premiere of The Bachelor, which I have the (dis)pleasure of recapping this season for you on this very website! Yes, since 2016, I have spent weeks, weeks, I tell you, recapping this abhorrent, wasteful, amazing reality television show millions of people tune into every week. I deeply regret not recapping Alabama Hannah’s season, because a) I adore her, and b) Chris Harrison, my Public Enemy Number One, was on another one the entire ass time and you all know I felt some way about it. For those of you who followed my recaps on my beloved former blog, Romance vs. Reality, you know one thing:
Chris Harrison And Amanda Mitchell Are Enemies4Lyfe And I Hate Him Except For That Brief Period Of Time Where I Decided We Could Be Best Friends And Then I Hated Him Again For Reasons I No Longer Remember.
Yes, Chris Harrison and I are in a one-sided nemesis situation that he knows nothing about, and that’s okay. I’ve gathered the best of my burns from my former blog just to give you a taste of what’s to come this season:
“Ugh, we see Chris Harrison, a trash can in a McDonald’s that for some reason smells like urine, for the first time this season. Chris Harrison is my mortal enemy. He knows what he did.”
“You know Frat Fink is garbage when Chris Harrison is a better Chris. And both of them pale in comparison to my favorite Chris, my brother.”
"The Devil Incarnate Chris Harrison arrives for a solid 30 seconds to ask the guys about how they feel about Becca. We see David without the chicken suit for the first time and god, that venture capitalist does it for me. I hate myself for it too, but he honestly looks like if Scott Wolf and Matthew Fox got together on the set of Party of Five and made a baby, and I AM ABOUT IT. David probably drinks Old Fashioned’s and wears boat shoes. My Mortal Enemy Chris Harrison talks about how serious Becca is about the entire experience, and tells them to relish in the time they get with her.
Remember, these people get, in total, around 48 hours with the person they’re going to marry if they make it that far, most of which is spent with an entire camera crew and production. I hate to say it, but Chris Harrison might be right.
Aside from a brief moment of correctness, what else does Chris Harrison have?
A DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!!"
— The Bachelorette, 2018“Becca has no idea what’s happening on the date today, only that it’s been left in Chris Harrison’s hands.
A List of Chris Harrison’s Date Ideas:
Making you into a human candle
Slaughtering babies
Going to a Speculum Museum
Creating enemies
Drinking mimosas from human skulls
This is why they haven’t let this man plan a date on this show before.
They meet Chris Harrison at what only be described as a Murder Warehouse and he’s holding a sledgehammer. In case you’re wondering what my nightmares are like, it’s this: Chris Harrison in a button-down and jacket with no tie, holding a fucking sledgehammer.”
— The Bachelorette, 2018
“We’re greeted with the first shot of The Artist Formerly Known As My Mortal Enemy, Chris Harrison. Now that I’m enemies with James Kennedy, I had to replace Chris. He was super cool about it, though. He still knows what he did, though. Trust me. He knows what he did.”
“Who was more sociopathic - Arby v. Becca, Luke v. Stassi, Bentley v. Emily, or Joe v. Juelia? Answer: Chris Harrison.”
“Oh, god, I’m back.
You’re probably wondering, “Hey, Amanda, can’t you count? There wasn’t a Bachelor In Paradise: Victim-Blaming Island Episodes one and two recap?” Hunty, I know. But did you see those episodes? I literally had to leave midway through the first one and get more alcohol to handle it. You know who should never be asked to hold a panel on sexual assault and racism? Chris Harrison. Literally. I would rather have a panel on torture wherein which I am the one being tortured by Carrot Top. I would rather be taken over by a Trump-supporting demon that gets carted around Fox News as their Token Pretty Black Girl.
Oh my god, I literally just said I would prefer to be Stacey Dash, what have I done?!“
— Bachelor In Paradise, 2018
“We’re treated to a scene of Chris Harrison, the Jesus to my Judas, talking over coffee to the guys about how great Rachel is. Even Chris Harrison is enthralled by her - he calls her beautiful and smart and funny and amazing and terrific and wonderful and fantastic and it becomes very clear that Chris Harrison is also after Rachel’s heart. See, even a trash clock can be right twice a day. Okay, none of that actually happened, but wouldn’t it have been awesome if it had? I would be much better at television than the people creating this show. But he does basically say ‘I hope all y’all have good intentions because if you break her heart I will break your neck.’”
“Satan Himself Chris Harrison appears to stoke the fire that Joelle really wants all of the other guys - and by other guys, he means Jordan - around and if she didn’t, she would have sent them home last week. He literally only exists to stir the pot. You are not a CHEF, Chris Harrison.”
See you tomorrow for The Bachelor season premiere and all of the Pilot Pete Pranks!